synthetiksouls

I just found out that somebody i know from school committed suicide last week. His name was Matt H. I knew him as an incredibly dedicated artist. He was also the biggest alcoholic known to our school. A few years ago, when I first met him, I went to his dormroom, he had a corner room with great light. I noticed he had no bed. He got rid of it to make space for more paintings. All he did was smoke cigarettes, paint, and drink, all day, all night. If he got too drunk and passed out, he'd sleep in his bathtub. (the carpet was always covered in fresh bits of paint]. I used to tell people that I wish I had that much determination when it came to my artwork, that it was truly his life. I obviously didn't want the alcoholism. I found out from Wan Ling that he'd been attending A.A. meetings for the past four months. I don't know if he was sober throughout that time, or if he was on and off the wagon.

My bestfriend called me to tell me that some of our friends are holding a memorial service at Plug Uglies on Thursday. Plug Uglies was his favorite pub, around the corner from school. they want to celebrate his life, not mourn his death. There is something really upsetting to me about celebrating somebody's life, somebody who's been plagued with a disease like alcoholism for the majority of his life, struggling to get it under control, by drinking. When I told my bestfriend I didn't think I would be attending the Plug's drinking in the name of Matt "celebration", she seemed upset and disappointed with me.

I explained that my father is a recovering alcoholic. This February15th will be his 12th anniversary of his being sober. He, too, is in Alcoholics Anonymous. I watched his addiction ruin his life, his family, friends, everybody around him for the first 9 years of my life. I watched him struggle with his disease in the past 12 years as well. If my dad were to die in any way, shape or form, ESPECIALLY suicide, I would not celebrate his life with alcohol at his favorite pub.

Matt was an incredible artist, incredibly dedicated with great determination. The school is holding a memorial service for him on Monday. I'd rather celebrate his life with art, his contributions to the school's galleries and shows, his productivity, his gift, than celebrate his life with his addiction to alcohol.

This news hits entirely too close to home for me right now. He committed suicide by lying on the train tracks by his house and being struck by a train. In 1998, I was checking out colleges I may have wanted to apply to, one of them was Maryland Institute, College of Art (MICA). A friend and I took the Amtrak to Baltimore. On our way back, our train hit a person attempting suicide. By the time the driver realized what had happened and the train had come to a stop, my seat was directly over the body. I looked out my window and saw bits and pieces of organ and muscle tissue and god knows what else sprayed all over the tracks next to our train. The detectives came, the police came, they collected whatever they could find in order to determine who this person was, then, in order for our train to switch tracks so they could do "clean-up", the train had to back up over the body, switch tracks and then we passed by the body again. I saw the horrors that is a suicide victim hit by a train. I won't go into more details but it's really not a sight I wish on anybody ever.

I keep thinking back to that incident, those visions, that memory, whenever I think of Matt tonight. I think that is probably what his body looked like after the impact of the train. Such vivid images from 5 years ago, and now it's even closer to home because the same sort of thing happened to a fellow student, somebody i knew, the most determined artist i'd ever met.



<i>Goodnight
to every little hour that you
sleep tight
may it hold you through the winter of a
long night
and keep you from the lonliness
of yourself
heartstruck,
is your heart frayed and empty cuz it's
hard luck
when noone understands your love it's
unsung
and i say
"goodnight, my love, to every hour in every day
goodnight, always, to all that's pure
that's in your heart"

Goodnight, may your dreams be so happy and your
Head light with the wishes of a sandman and a
night light
Be careful not to let the bedbugs
sleep tight
nestled in the covers
The sun shines, but I don't
A silver rain will wash away
And you can tell, it's just as well
Goodnight, my love, to every hour in every day
Goodnight, always, to all that's pure that's in your heart...</i>

<b>RIP Matt H.
1981-2003</b>

Peace and Love.