synirr

I hate the word love, and as such I don't use it often. It can be interpreted in so many different ways. English is unfortunately lacking in terms to describe different forms of love. The Hollywood romance kind of love sickens me, and that is most often the thing that pops into peoples' heads when you say "love." Perhaps I can best describe this situation in terms of eros and agape. Most people mean eros when they say love. When I say I love someone, I mean agape. I mean caring about them and wanting the best for them no matter what that means. The emphasis is on their needs, not yours, and agape can also be non-sexual, unlike eros. Eros and agape are conflicting ideas to me because I see eros as being selfish. Eros is longing, desire, appreciation of beauty... taking the other person into account is never really a consideration. It's all about your wants in relation to that person.

There are only three people, outside of the familial love I have for my relatives, that I would say I love. All three are fantastic friends and very special people in general, and I feel like my life is improved just by knowing they exist. All three feel the same way in return. We care about one-another, and that's what makes it work; that's the only way I could allow myself to love them. I care so much about them that I would willingly let them hurt me to better themselves, but none of them ever would because they have the same consideration for me. I can tell them I love them and not worry that they'll misinterpret it, and I can simply accept it when they tell me the same because I know they don't say it with eros in mind . It's a very comfortable and fulfilling kind of relationship.

The problem is, I also want to be with one of them. Fuck you eros, seriously.

I guess you can't help how you feel, but you can control how you react to those feelings. I want to tell him how I feel, but I don't. There's too much at risk for me to do that. Part of the problem is I suspect we may be in the same predicament, and if so that would open a whole new can of worms that I won't even get into. Even if not, it would put him in an uncomfortable situation, and I don't want to be responsible for that.

In my dreams I am literally afraid to touch him. I am afraid I won't be able to let go and go back to the way things are now. I'm afraid I'll break down, and I'm afraid of destroying not only myself, but also him. It's really just a metaphor for allowing myself to get too close. It would kill me inside to know I hurt him, especially if I did so by taking an action that I knew carried that risk. It would be like a child wanting so badly to catch an insect that in the process they manage to crush it between their fingers. I can't do that.

I'm going to see him when summer rolls around. I don't really know how well I'm going to deal with that mentally, but I do know I have to do it. Will I be afraid to touch him in person, too? I find myself wondering if we're both holding back. Sometimes it seems that way. It would probably be for the best anyway. At the same time, though, I know that this is what I am always going to strive for in future relationships, this has already set the standard, and I am afraid of all future attempts falling short. But there have to be more people like this out there, right? I sure as hell hope so.

So, basially, the whole point of this is that my emotional side and my logical side are having a quarrel. Logic almost always wins for me, but sometimes emotion gets in a good jab or two. I don't like being conflicted. All I really know is what's important, and that is that he is happy. If that's the path he's currently on, I don't want to alter it in any way. If it's not... it's up to him to decide what to do about it. I don't lose out either way, because his being happy makes me happy, even if right now I have some mixed feelings. Eros fades quickly, but agape is lasting, and I love him enough to know when it is wise to maintain a little bit of a distance. Just a little.