Looks can be deceiving.
FUCKIN GOdzilla!
Not really...but this lizard was over a foot long. In the Phillippines these litte lizards (most are only like 3 inches) crawl around on the ceilings like youd find a spider or earwig here...just as I was getting used to the little shits, this monster invades my room.
Im soooooooooooo glad to be back.
Trip was surreal. Some good....some just really nightmarishly fucked up. For posterity....an account of my trip:
I think I need to clarify why i was so apprehensive about going.
Going to a "tropical Island" is not always about warm beaches and palm trees.
The phillippines is a primarily poor country. Everyone is poor, even those who arnt really poor live a lifestyle that would be considered "poor" or "dirty" here. or a "step up" fropm being homeless.
Maybe im a jackass...because after a week...it began to wear on me.
The no running water, squalid streets, houses and store... the food, the markets with the raw meat left sitting out with flies everywhere. My mother and i both got sick, god only knows from what..
at least 1 in 3 dogs had bum legs, insanely skinny livestock run around in the alleys eating garbage.
Everything smells either like rotting fruit or burning fuel, rubber or garbage....
AM i a bad person because i couldnt take it anymore? but who could? Mother teresa?
I had an uncle with...8 kids maybe?? living in a 10 by 8ft stick hut... with 3 walls.
It wasnt a culture shock. I was there when I was 4 for several months. I remeber it all vividly. Except when I was 4...pissing in a pot and what-have-you didnt really make me feel uncomfortable at that time.
Aside from that, it was nice to see my family...who i couldnt communicate with! I dont know Tagalog at all. Alot of them know a good amount of english but were embarassed to try to speak it. A couple of my cousins and aunts and uncles tried to... one of my uncles practiced some things to say before I came... That was so touching! He spoke well, but everyone (that would not try to speak) laughed of him. WHY?!
It was hard. That wore on me too. I couldnt understand a fuckin thing and after a while ppl stopped translating for me...so i wouldnt know what the fuck was going on...
I dunno...it was all in good fun, of course...but there is just something about being laughed at by 20 some ppl who are telling stories or talking about you in a another launguage....
"hahaha....mom, why are they laughing at me?"
I was so obviously "americana" In the streets i got looks like i had just walked off a fuckin spaceship. My aunts said "oh they think youre beautiful" Yeah....more like a fuckin weirdo...
Maybe its that undeniable "philipino" face - an kind of angry look at all times...But Im pretty sure they though i was a marshian who came to invade their village.
my aunts paraded me around to their neighbors and workplaces "look at my AMERICAN niece!" like i was some kind of novelty item. My cousins wanted pictures of me to show to their classmates. One of my cousins told her friends I was coming and they came over the day of my arrival and waited to see "the american" She asked me to sit down and visit with them (they spoke decent english) but the just sat there and stared at me. Then my coiusin asked me to leave because her frioends were "too ashamed to talk to me" What the shit...?
I was just odd to me i guess... "look at the american"
The distrurbing thing was how many of my cousins, and actually alot of my aunts friends seriously wanted me to find them husbands so they could come to america...
My cousins gave me their address ....not for ME write TO THEM, but to give to an american guy so they can hook up and come to the US.
Am I wrong or is that fucked up?
Never the less -
I realized this long ago...but the trip help magnify the realization...that i am not the best person i could be...
I knew how much of my family lived, but actually seeing it was saddening....they are mostly happy tho. they dont know any oher way. They live and they work.
i feel guilty for feeling uncomfortable there.
I was so happy to see my family (all 11 uncles and aunts plus their husband/wives and...fuck....at least 20 some cousins, if not more) But i gave up because of the language barrier.
I kept a smile and good attitude (on the surface) while i was there... but underneath, i only wanted to come home....I feel like a fake.
I did gain a new appreciation for my mom. A new understanding. An appreciation for what I have. an appreciation for this country.
I have a lot to learn....the Tagalog language is towards the top of the list.
In the end...Im glad I went.
But my stomach is still in a vice grip....what the hell, i didnt drink the water..
VIEW 8 of 8 COMMENTS
I understand you guilt and would probably feel the same, but I don't think you should feel guilty about the way you felt. Being in America, not being homeless, it's difficult to be around what passes as normal in lesser developed countries. They really don't know of life any other way. Even the poorest in this country have the opportunity to a much higher standard of living than your uncle's family would.
The language barrier had to have been difficult. You can't help but wonder what they are saying. And most of us are so self conscious how could we no think they are talking about us.
I think of them "Staring" at you and imagining themselves in your world, getting to live in America. It wasn't even about you, but the infectuous idea that America is the land of promise. In reality, it doesn't matter where you live or who you are, it's all about your ability to be yourself where ever you are right now. Who and what is self? you know....that's the real question we all need to answer for ourselves.
It's cool that you got to see your mom in a new light. I knew you would have a good time with her if you opened yourself up to it.
"Maybe its that undeniable "philipino" face - an kind of angry look at all times.." I don't think I ever noticed that. strange. I'll have to look more closely....I just checked out your pictures, I don't know how to tell you but you don't have that "angry at all times" look at all. quite the opposite or close to it. Sweet, would be a word I could use to describe your facial expression.
I hope you are feeling better.
Happy Valentines Day!!!
Thanks for your comments on my latest journal entry. I can draw quite well, but i really don't have much of anything to put up just now. I've been wanting to draw some of the SG's, but haven't taken the time to do it. That will change this weekend, I hope. .:fingers cross:.
So being a Phillipino-American, what does that mean to you? Now that you've been to the phillipines do think you see yourself as American more than philipino?
What does your username reference?
You should have gotten pictures of your relatives. You could have made a lot with an online dating service for philipino women. (I am kidding of course.) but really you didn't get much of a chance to know any of them so it's not really any wonder they didn't ask to communicate with you. They probably thought you were too busy to communicate with the likes of them. You said they were ashamed of who they are, that's unfortunate that they let that get in the way of getting to know you. You seem really cool.
Done any more drawings lately. I am off to draw a value scale. Thrilling!