swoop

It seems to me that many of you noobs need to learn a little of my world-class assertiveness. I assure you, before you ask, my assertiveness truely IS world class. No, I don't have to prove it! You'll take my word for it, and you'll like it! Thus, I'm going to give you a quick crash course in the art of primadonnahood. Which is a word because I SAID so. When we're done here, you'll all be able to give Borfase and I run for our self-centered money. Or you'll at least THINK so. WE'LL know the truth. Remember, I'm presenting these rules in the first person, so you can follow in my glorious footsteps. Try to keep up.


Rule# 1. I'M number one.

When you're the greatest thing on the planet, reminding yourself how awesome you are
is seldom necessary. But, I do it anyway. One of the best ways to do this is by keeping a large selection of quality pictures of myself at the ready, for my own enjoyment, and that of my millions of loyal fans. I keep similar photos in my wallet, where lesser folk keep pictures of their familiy and loved ones. Sure, I have family, but my primary function is to inform others of my awesomeness. I will not be deterred.



Note: That last pic is an excellent example of my uniqueness and courage. No one's going to tell me the proper way to ride a plastic seahorse! You're not the boss of Swoop!!

Rule #2 Use of Third Person

This is similar to the royal WE. The main distinction is that there IS NO WE. There is only ME. Deal. The premise is thus: When one speaks in third person, one maintains an appropriate distance from others, allowing one to dispense wisdom and judgement from on high.

Examples:
Random Person: "I like peanut butter."
SwP: "The Swoop isn't down with that action. He DISLIKES peanut butter.."

Note: The Swoop actually DOES like peanut butter. He just didn't want to allow a normal person to think that they had something in COMMON with him. It's all about image, people!

Rule #3 There's no such thing as too much positive feedback.

This rule is important. Positive feedback is how we know when we're doing a good enough job of imposing our awesomeness on others. An average day for a good prima donna involves at least four different people becoming wildly excited to see you through the course of the day. In IRC, this manifests itself in long exclamation point strings. One can measure one's importance based on the lenght of the string. I'd like to note here, taht Swoop rarely achieves fewer than 10 points for each of his strings. Uh-HUH. You heard Swoop. Aspire to be like me.

I'm going to truncate this post, so that you lot may absorb what you can, without risk of mental meltdown, or ego eruption. Remember, working to my level of greatness requires baby steps. And the ability to run away from those who can't comprehend my greatness. Because nothing hurts those closeup glamour shots like black eyes, and swollen lips.

Swoop: out!