Today i am writing as I would in my personal journal. I need to get this out and I don't care who sees it. I welcome strangers eyes to this and maybe some mute someone will see this and feel less alone.
for some time now I have been feeling alone, every week since we have been married I have seen and been with my husband maybe a true good meaningful 4 hours each day at best .
He works far from home and generally leaves at 7:30 am and doesn't come home sometimes till very late (when I am already asleep) When he does get home early meaning 7:30 at night he eats dinner, and sits at this computer until after I go to bed.
On the weekends he is so exhausted from working he does not leave the house unless I guilt him into it. I have not gone out with him at all, save for one trip to the grocery store about 2 or 3 weeks ago.
As far as sex goes. I come from time to time but recently its been getting more and more difficult for me to do so. I have to detach myself, create a fantasy, erotic images that involve other people.
I often find myself coming up with excuses or getting angry when he desires me. We have sex maybe once a week. I give him what ever he wants sexually. Whatever he asks or demands in any way I give it to him.
My heart and soul are devoted to him, loyal to him. Yet, I find myself slipping away and becoming more and more introverted and involved in my own sexual obsessions and desires.
I want to dominate. Rape. Hurt. Fuck. and leave without any attachments. I want women and men. I want them to adore me, worship me and be inspired by me. I want to leave my smell in their sheets and impress a mark upon them. I want to brand them and carve myself into them and then leave them in ruins.
I am conflicted. I feel guilty. Here this man that loves and adores me and gives me whatever he is capable of giving. He works his ass off to support me and dreams. But fuck, I feel so lonely and angry.
I snap at him so easily now and hiss at him without any reasonable explanation. I want to hurt him and I would never want anyone or anything to hurt him. I feel abandoned and afraid of what I know I am capable of. I have learned now that I DO have scorn, spite, hate and devils in me, that is, as a part of my being.
So what I look like to people on the outside of me is always a very curious thing to me because I am so quiet around people I don't yet know. I am shy. I am vulnerable.
I am quiet because I know I am extremely intense and all my life people learn this and run like hell.
I do not like or dislike, I obsess, devour or despise and destroy.
I have learned to keep these things hidden from those I think will not comprehend because I can't stand to be hurt again, left again, abandoned again. I love to please and give to people because I think they will otherwise leave me or not love me.
I don't know if any of this makes any kind of sense but this is how I write in my journals, my true journals, the non bullshit unexpurgated things.
got my haircut yesterday. my god getting my hair fondled and caressed made me toes curl.. I'm rockin the Amilie hair cut this marvelous Korean man, Sean gave me.
I feel broken
oops forgot to ask a question?
top 5 songs to fuck to
for some time now I have been feeling alone, every week since we have been married I have seen and been with my husband maybe a true good meaningful 4 hours each day at best .
He works far from home and generally leaves at 7:30 am and doesn't come home sometimes till very late (when I am already asleep) When he does get home early meaning 7:30 at night he eats dinner, and sits at this computer until after I go to bed.
On the weekends he is so exhausted from working he does not leave the house unless I guilt him into it. I have not gone out with him at all, save for one trip to the grocery store about 2 or 3 weeks ago.
As far as sex goes. I come from time to time but recently its been getting more and more difficult for me to do so. I have to detach myself, create a fantasy, erotic images that involve other people.
I often find myself coming up with excuses or getting angry when he desires me. We have sex maybe once a week. I give him what ever he wants sexually. Whatever he asks or demands in any way I give it to him.
My heart and soul are devoted to him, loyal to him. Yet, I find myself slipping away and becoming more and more introverted and involved in my own sexual obsessions and desires.
I want to dominate. Rape. Hurt. Fuck. and leave without any attachments. I want women and men. I want them to adore me, worship me and be inspired by me. I want to leave my smell in their sheets and impress a mark upon them. I want to brand them and carve myself into them and then leave them in ruins.
I am conflicted. I feel guilty. Here this man that loves and adores me and gives me whatever he is capable of giving. He works his ass off to support me and dreams. But fuck, I feel so lonely and angry.
I snap at him so easily now and hiss at him without any reasonable explanation. I want to hurt him and I would never want anyone or anything to hurt him. I feel abandoned and afraid of what I know I am capable of. I have learned now that I DO have scorn, spite, hate and devils in me, that is, as a part of my being.
So what I look like to people on the outside of me is always a very curious thing to me because I am so quiet around people I don't yet know. I am shy. I am vulnerable.
I am quiet because I know I am extremely intense and all my life people learn this and run like hell.
I do not like or dislike, I obsess, devour or despise and destroy.
I have learned to keep these things hidden from those I think will not comprehend because I can't stand to be hurt again, left again, abandoned again. I love to please and give to people because I think they will otherwise leave me or not love me.
I don't know if any of this makes any kind of sense but this is how I write in my journals, my true journals, the non bullshit unexpurgated things.
got my haircut yesterday. my god getting my hair fondled and caressed made me toes curl.. I'm rockin the Amilie hair cut this marvelous Korean man, Sean gave me.
I feel broken
oops forgot to ask a question?
top 5 songs to fuck to
I keep things hidden for the most part, but that can be really hard on you. Have you talked to him about it. It seems like you really care about each other. I'm sure he would really want to know how you're feeling!
Take Care.