I refuse to allow myself a moment's happiness without first treading a sea of self-hatred.
It may sound absurd, but it works.
And my god is it perfect...
I must rise above and not succumb to the torturous bliss bestowed upon an addicted soul.
I have no idea how to do that alone. I am so independent. Ever since I got sick I've been dealing with so much on my own. But this is one thing I CANNOT do alone. I used to WANT someone in my life just to have someone there, just to feel the comfort of a warm body holding me. But now it's more of a necessity. I worry that I might not be strong enough to get over these addictions on my own. I need someone to focus my attention on. Someone who will take my mind off of the substances and the masochistic tendencies filling me. Someone to love, and who will do the same in return. Someone who won't fucking pity me, because I'm sick of people saying "sorry" when I have to explain to them why I'll be sick forever. I need someone with the balls to slap me when I'm too fucked up to think straight. Someone with enough passion to hate every fiber of my being, but who chooses to instead see the little bit of good in me. Someone who I can look at and proudly say I live for. Someone I would die for, without a moment's hesitation.
But above all, I just want someone to feel for me what I feel for them. Is that so much to ask....?
I channel the pain through this
The paper, the pen, your eyes
To stare into what's next
It frightens me
No control, no reward
I'm in circles again
It may sound absurd, but it works.
And my god is it perfect...
I must rise above and not succumb to the torturous bliss bestowed upon an addicted soul.
I have no idea how to do that alone. I am so independent. Ever since I got sick I've been dealing with so much on my own. But this is one thing I CANNOT do alone. I used to WANT someone in my life just to have someone there, just to feel the comfort of a warm body holding me. But now it's more of a necessity. I worry that I might not be strong enough to get over these addictions on my own. I need someone to focus my attention on. Someone who will take my mind off of the substances and the masochistic tendencies filling me. Someone to love, and who will do the same in return. Someone who won't fucking pity me, because I'm sick of people saying "sorry" when I have to explain to them why I'll be sick forever. I need someone with the balls to slap me when I'm too fucked up to think straight. Someone with enough passion to hate every fiber of my being, but who chooses to instead see the little bit of good in me. Someone who I can look at and proudly say I live for. Someone I would die for, without a moment's hesitation.
But above all, I just want someone to feel for me what I feel for them. Is that so much to ask....?
I channel the pain through this
The paper, the pen, your eyes
To stare into what's next
It frightens me
No control, no reward
I'm in circles again
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I do the same thing with addictions. I try to find something better for me to take place of an old addiction. Even though I play video games all the time I'm not smoking anymore, and to me that is a positive.