new song i'm working on..."together we will live forever"
you may recognize it from the end credits of the movie "the fountain". it's a beautiful song. thought i'd post a youtube vid featuring the song and some clips from the movie. enjoy
in less interesting news.... what a shitty day. sorry to those of you who i have not replied to. it's been a tough one
i haven't left the apartment all day. every time i got dressed and set out to go to the store i ended up in the bathroom puking up blood. followed by no less than half an hour lying on the floor in the kind of pain only women in labor should have to go through. i didn't even care to push my kitty away when he started chewing my hair as i was lying on the floor.
sometimes i wonder how i will ever be able to live with someone else when i'm too ashamed to even leave my own apartment sometimes. well, maybe ashamed isn't the right choice of words. yes, i'm ashamed of being so weak that i cry when i hurt. they told me "you'll be stronger, have more endurance" and all this shit. but all i see when i look in the mirror is a weak girl who hasn't gotten any better, after hundreds of thousands of dollars in treatment and medical bills.
how am i supposed to be independent when i can barely make it through the day taking care of myself?
i need to get better. as soon as i go home for treatment on the 29th i'll be a little better. but until then i can't stop thinking of what i should be wanting. someone to be here to help me out. or someone to push me and tell me i can do this on my own and encourage me to get better by myself. or... no one. just me. i don't want to lean on others for support. i don't want to be a burden to them.
and let's face it, no one wants to date a sick girl. no one wants to deal with that. everybody wants an easy relationship, no fuss, no complications. it doesn't matter that i'm a kind person, i've never cheated on anyone, i'm honest and trustworthy, i enjoy caring for someone, and i am not some shallow, high maintainance, psychotic bitch like so many girls i've met around here. i won't mention i love sex because that goes without saying. none of that matters, because in the end, they always tell me it's just too much to handle to date someone like me.
well for all of them, i've got some fucking news. BE A MAN.
(i realize none of them will read this. but i just had to get that off my chest.)
you may recognize it from the end credits of the movie "the fountain". it's a beautiful song. thought i'd post a youtube vid featuring the song and some clips from the movie. enjoy
in less interesting news.... what a shitty day. sorry to those of you who i have not replied to. it's been a tough one
i haven't left the apartment all day. every time i got dressed and set out to go to the store i ended up in the bathroom puking up blood. followed by no less than half an hour lying on the floor in the kind of pain only women in labor should have to go through. i didn't even care to push my kitty away when he started chewing my hair as i was lying on the floor. sometimes i wonder how i will ever be able to live with someone else when i'm too ashamed to even leave my own apartment sometimes. well, maybe ashamed isn't the right choice of words. yes, i'm ashamed of being so weak that i cry when i hurt. they told me "you'll be stronger, have more endurance" and all this shit. but all i see when i look in the mirror is a weak girl who hasn't gotten any better, after hundreds of thousands of dollars in treatment and medical bills.
how am i supposed to be independent when i can barely make it through the day taking care of myself?
i need to get better. as soon as i go home for treatment on the 29th i'll be a little better. but until then i can't stop thinking of what i should be wanting. someone to be here to help me out. or someone to push me and tell me i can do this on my own and encourage me to get better by myself. or... no one. just me. i don't want to lean on others for support. i don't want to be a burden to them.
and let's face it, no one wants to date a sick girl. no one wants to deal with that. everybody wants an easy relationship, no fuss, no complications. it doesn't matter that i'm a kind person, i've never cheated on anyone, i'm honest and trustworthy, i enjoy caring for someone, and i am not some shallow, high maintainance, psychotic bitch like so many girls i've met around here. i won't mention i love sex because that goes without saying. none of that matters, because in the end, they always tell me it's just too much to handle to date someone like me.
well for all of them, i've got some fucking news. BE A MAN.
(i realize none of them will read this. but i just had to get that off my chest.)
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If none of what i said has made you feel less alone in this then just think........... what colour does a smurf turn when you choke it ?!
talk to you soon