sweetiyvie

I am about to embark on what could be the most traumatic and disturbing path
yet traveled, (speaking for myself of course) and I AM SCARED
SHITLESS.
I tried this a few years back, and it proved to be a pathetic failure that
left me quaking in it's wake for years. I would love to let it go.. sulking
off to my den with my tail tucked, relenting to live in the safe and shallow
luxury of denial.
When I lie awake at night I repeat such ramblings as seen above over and
over.....hoping that somehow they will validate my weakness and hesitation.
In all honesty, it's not working in the slightest. I am neither meek nor
cowardly, weak nor conquered, and certainly not immoral.
I am defiant, strong, pigheaded, and scathing with the injustice that has
been bestowed apon me.
Sometimes I feel that nothing can silence the tortured screams rattling
within my core. Shattering my attempts of normalcy, crippling me without
warning.

In my moral realm, I believe there is a fine line between ignorance and
evil. The ignorant may be forgiven, but not go without punishment. They are
inept, naiive and unaware of the calamity they cause. Even under full
intention and repeat offense, to me, they are just sick in the head. True
evil spawns from an aware being, someone who can see exactly what is
happening around them and does nothing. These people usally are "innocent"
bystanders at crime scene...watching, and not reacting. A woman watching her
husband fuck her daughter only to run into her room and lock the door is
more evil than the predator in my eyes.

I cannot ignore my power to change many a destiny based on my want to
dissapear completely...to do so would destroy me.


I have a choice now.
To do what is right, tinkering with my fragile stability,
Or to sell my soul to the devil....

I am at an empasse.

Give me courage, give me strength, To hold my head high, that my heart won't
break...

*WarCry*