sweetie

*here's to new beginnings and no loose ends*

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It's my 28th birthday. On the course of the past few days I've shaved half my eyebrows off (how thrilling and fun), found out who are my friends, drank myself to sleep, had a couple breakdowns, danced in a vynil banana costume and dyed my hair pink again.
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I'm broke, jobless (well, formally) and with a college tuition to pay. I'll acknowledge I owe most of my well being (and some of the heartbreak) of the past few years to the Mister. Well, as everyone else, in the end, I'm lost and alone. Empathy is a dream one dreams of constantly. We build castles in the sand with other people, we find joy in things and moments, big and small. We connect. At least we try to. But there is always a darker side we hope will never shine through. The truth? The things we run away from the most are the ones who make us who we trully are. Maybe strength lies in embracing those. Who knows?
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Life is a mind boggling thing. Everyday we fight wars. We go through time chastising ourselves for the things we didn't do, blaming ourselves for not trying harder, wondering if it's not all in vain. One finds oneself over time. Goals, dreams, needs... are all changeable as traits are added to the persona we assume, day after day.
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Who am I? I started counting the many passions that move me: sewing, writing, editing (all sorts of things), singing, acting, dancing, cooking, making IT happen. I, somehow, sometime, must come to terms that one does what one can. Oomph is something one can't learn, and so is talent. All you can learn is technique. All you can look for is inspiration. And pray, as so many other do, for that one chance. Hoping it doesn't pass you by. Because, even if it isn't the one chance world so many preach of, it is a universe of cunning minds. It is not the most deserving, nor the most willing that get's it, it's the one at the right place and time.
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I've heard, many times, that I shine so bright I could light up a room if I really wanted to. Who knows? Light attracts darkness, and time after time, I find myself surrounded by disorder and confusion. Over the years I even came up with this theory that order can only come from chaos, because that's the only way I could make ammends with the facts.
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Pay the piper and blame it on the music. I know I do. So I'm changing my tune. Enough chasing rainbows with Judy Garland.

I'll be hopeful with Liza...

and try, at least once, right Barbara?

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Who cares what I'm supposed to do? These things change indefinitely. Whatever I'm happy doing, I'll do my best do be damn good at it too.
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Birthday girl spent her day thinking such things. Guess it's time to put some of it into action.
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Good bye, and to all of you, a good night.

xoxo

sweetie