sweetie

*
i'm getting cold feet.
.
and i'm constantly on the verge of tears. No, i'm constantly crying.
.
more painful than the pain itself is knowing He takes thinks i'm being a whining bitch and wimp when i am being as strong as i can right now. How long have i been hurting for?
.
these have been the longest weeks in a long time. But at least i could be with a friend yesterday, and it was worth it even if it wasn't everything it could have been. Even if the we couldn't stay, even if...

sweeties
.
i'm hungry.
.
i'm clearly not able to take care of myself these days. And i guess He is too busy to care. He must be tired... that's it.
.
at least He takes the time to buy symbols that show the world i'm His. As His as the box of toy cars and the old video games lying unused in the mess room. Nevertheless, His. And i like rhinestones.

it spells "sexy dog"
.
so i'll pop another pill, brew myself some coffee and call it a day. This should be interesting. i haven't had caffeine in ages. i'll have mine with some frangelico and milk, thank you.
.
i'm so sad it makes my my tummy hurt. My moods are swinging in a dangerous way.
.
note to self: hurting myself does not hurt Him.
.
and keep your eyes peeled. The feeling of impending doom has been lingering for a while. i think its about to hit the fan. In a good way, of course. All good things. i deserve them. i do!

i need a puppy. They make me smile. Or i will start attacking people for hugs.

.
Now, now... make justice to my real name and let the good times roll?
.
Bored much?




i really must get up. It's 9 in the afternoon.
.
The orthopedist will be visited on Monday (like my use of the passive voice?). And he will tell me i can go back to dancing. He must!
*

*
p.s.: i wish i could just go and see my parents today. i miss my mom's hugs and my dad's pancakes. If i could drive, that would be a well worth 500 km drive.
p.s.2: i love You. Baka!
p.s.3: the pain has actually gotten to the point it hurts even when i don't move. Pass the pain killer, please.
*

*
"i've seen it. It's rubbish."

yeah, i'm quite the anti-social one today.
*

1. Has anyone ever heard of Sherif Sabri Creative Communications in Egypt? One of their so-called employees approached me on myspace for a dancing gig in a very fishy manner. Oh well, after the "job-interview" i had with a middle-eastern ending with rape years ago i tend of fearing anything related to egypt/any other muslim country.

2. I took 3 tablets of
dorflex and shortly after 3 500 mg tablets of depakote because i have slept all day and need to sleep more but just can't because i'm too hungry (i think i'm on a hunger strike - haven't eaten in the past 24 hours and won't till He tells me too and He's not talking to me). NOT a smart move. My heart is beating like a Japanese drum show, my muscles are stiffening, my ears are buzzing and my extremities are extremely cold. My hands are shaking crazy now... i just wanted to sleep... argh, brain fog. So sorry if i'm not making sense here.

3. Just for the record, the last diagnosis i had was cyclothimic bipolar disorder. i was medicated only once, when my Man thought a cutting episode was actually a suicide attempt (IT WASN'T), and i had to take Depakote because some stupid ER psychiatrist thought i was going thru mania. The worst two weeks of my life, those were. And i haven't gone to therapy since 2004, when aforementioned rape episode occurred.

4. Consider yourselves all hugged, because the only one around me right now is the MAN, and He is actually growling at me whenever i try to speak to Him.

5. Cold feet refers to the literal situation. My blood pressure has just dug a hole in the ground. Its soooo cold. Argh... My head is throbbing. Damn.

6. I'll be ok tomorrow. i cut myself, but i'll be ok.

7. During the hours i was able to sleep i dreamt:
- i was in driving a car (i don't even know how to turn the thing on) without a drivers license, was carjacked and raped, then brutally mutilated.
- i was in SG magazine
- i was in bondage but the torture consisted of kisses and breast and pussy rubbing by an adorable sweet lady with large breasts and colored hair. And she had a strap-on. Hmmmm... if only i could go back to this dream.

8. in the past 30 seconds. Shit!

9. its been over two months since:







i like bondage. i just don't enjoy pain in the wrong context. Or do you really call giving the same treatment to punishment you give to play conditioning?

9. Damn i'm a whining bitch. i should just shut up.