sweetassugar

This is a repeat for some people...For others its brandy new..


Today I got a text from my x. Now let me give you a little backround. First this is the 3rd time this "man" had broken up with me. yes, yes I know shame on me for taking him back in the first place, but I had faith that this person would actually do what they said they were going to. My fault, but no I do not deserve this. So basically what happens is that he gets to stressed out and can't handle anything and the first thing to go is me, or whoever he is with at the time, now I can understand why he only wants to hook up with whores, now I get it. Well anyways he texts me saying 'I don't mean to bother you" Hey stupid..Your'e breathing..It bothers me..

But he just wanted to know when I was going to come over (When he was not there of course.Which tells me yet another quality I don't like about him..he is weak.) and get my car key and curtains. Well I called him and told him to mail them and I would mail his stuff to him. WTF! Do you really think i'm gonna go anywhere near you or where you live? My day's of running for you are OVER. And then while I am on the phone with him I ask him, "why did you do this, again?" He says "when I get stresses I can't handle anything and I just ball up and block everyone out." ok 1 thats not true, because the only one you discarded, was me. And 2 Your going to make a hell of a police officer, if you pass the oral interview. Yeah I don't need to say it do I.

Anyways so this is what is going through my mind...I'm never going to treat someone like they are disposable, im never going to take out my fears on someone else, and I am never going to live my life with the possibility of a regret. Life is to short to just throw someone away, especially somone who loves you. Thats fucking precious, but you know what, most people don't appreciate it when they have it. Thats the stuff that makes life worth living, that makes you get up everyday and fight for the life you want. Go to work and put up with the bullshit, someone to come home to and share all your up's and down's, the good and the bad.

But this is what this relationship has taught me, I will never settle for anything less than what I want, I want a family, I want children and I want somone in my life that adores me, that knows how much I am worth and when it comes to "fight or flight" they are going to fight and not just let me go like I am not worth anything, because I am, I'm worth all of it. I can give so much to someone, to their life, their dreams. And goddamn it I am so sick of the weak individuals that call thenselves men and are so far from it.

So in saying all this, yes I WANT all of this, BUT for whatever reason I don't find a man that is capable of all this then thats ok. Because I can live this life by myself, I can do everything I need to do, and I don't need a man to do it for me. Everything I have is because I worked for it, and let me tell you I have been screwed over in some of the worst ways a person can get screwed. Cheated on, used, abused, money stolen (alot of money) and just miserable people. But you know what? That has not changed who I am inside, im a sweet, smart, caring woman with so much to share with someone. You choose how you treat someone, and no matter what has happened to me, I have not changed who I am. And I will never treat people like they are disposable, like they have no feelings...EVER. Because if you do, in the end, It will come back to you, somehow it will...I I will never have to live with that fear.