Wow. It's moments like these that make me stop and appreciate what a cool ass motherfucker I am.
I received this email from Koriku last night. I would like to make it clear that I have been great friends with this girl for several years and she has never so much as kissed my cheek... nor has she mentioned any desire to do so or (to my knowledge) given me any indication that she would like to... And then this monster shows up in my box:
"I swear. What if I moved to Atlanta? Then what would you do? Listen, dude. I know you mean well and you don't trust me and you shouldn't trust me because I would crush you. It's something I do. But it would be like the horrible hangover after a wonderful night of drinking! Okay. That's probably not a good compareson. I forrgot you don't really drink. Well I do. And I have. And I'm drunk. But that deosn't change what I'm tryin to say here. And that is that yes you'd probably get hurt at some point. but you're awesome. I think you're soooo fuckng awesome. Adn so that's how I would treat you. and also what the fuck? seriously. You act like you don't even want it! I'm hot! You're hot! It would be hot!! And so what if we didn't end up like fucking bonnie and clyde? you konw? whats so bad with just tryin git once? I know you want a stupid girl friend thats not your 'girlfreind' and this is pure and all that bullshit. but it IS bulllshit! it doesnt work. never has. never will. I mean yeah. okay. it is working. but it woldn't if i didn't want it to, you konw? Cause youd be going no no no until I start in with the licking. then youd be pretty much done for. and okay sure. I would probably lick some other boy and piss you off or whatever but even if I did that I would'nt think he was nearly as fucking awesome as you are. cause I haven't for like since we first started talking way back man!!! seriously. you dont even think your that fucking awesome but you are like the fuckingest awesomist in the worldest!!! Im not jus t saying that cause i want to fuck your brains out or whatever. I mean it!!! But come on!!! Look it's like this. You give me one night to do whatever I want and that will ber that! Then there wont be any problem cause youl'l want to keep hanging around! and that will be cool! But I know you dont want one night you want every night and all taht bullshit. I think your ideals are great and really sweet but they are fairey tales. you need to grow up and get with the rest of the human race. but your right. what we have is really cool and stuff. and maybe thats why I want to fuck you so bad. but I think maybe its just cause your so cool and not cause I cant have you or whatever but just caues I geuinely think that you are the best guy i've ever talked to. you know? It's like every other guy is dying to get in my pants and you dont even give a shit. but that's not even why I like you. I just do!!! thats what you need to understand! okay sure the whole not givng a shit about my sex is intriguing and stuff and also annoying as hell cause hello??? eagar aggressive girl meets totally unimpressed boy! But still thats not what draws me to you. I liked talking to you waaaay before I wanted thiss for real. you are a funny bastard and you always know when to make fun of me and when to shut up and let me bitch and when to say something really eloquent and nice in its simplicity. So yes I really want to rock your fucking sox off with some crazy monkey sex, but its really cause I want to fuck your brain! and i'm not talking about some sick skullfuck shit. you know what i mean. And just cause I dont really belive in monagamy or marraige and stuff doesnt mean you shoudn't take advantage of that!!!! I dont even think you really do sometimes! I think maybe i have been getting to drun kto make much sense now but all i am trying to say is you should get over your stupid philosphies and we should hang out SSOON!!!! maybe i wouldnt even TRY to have sex with you! okay i would. but you would like it I promise!!! and if I hurt you later I would make it up with more of the sex that you would like!!!!!!! so now i will quit bitching but you should come over. bye."
So besides causing me to laugh my ass off, this letter touched me deep down inside. I mean it's not that often a friend tells me they want to fuck my brain in a totally non skull-fuck kind of way. After having an extremely long conversation with her she claims to have been abnormally sexually frustrated and lonely that night. And that she doesn't want my sex all that bad. This seems suspicious but I'll go along with it. She has given me permission to paste the letter all over the internet, though... as a Public Service Announcement against drinking and typing. I will back her efforts to the fullest of my capabilities.
Girls and boys: If you ever feel the need to explain your opposition to someone's basic beliefs, there is a fairly good chance that you won't win the debate with a blood alcohol content over .15 ...excepting, of course, their belief is that you won't make a total ass of yourself and vomit on the majority of your belongings in the near future. Not that it isn't possible... your opponent could have a alcohol level over .50 making him/her legally dead and in no condition to present a reasonable rebuttal.
Also, Koriku would like to add the following... I suggest taking her message to heart:
"Hey kids. Auntie Kori here. Whatever uncle Will has been telling you is true. On top of that I would like to say that Drunk time is also not the best time for driving. Cause you may end up driving over to your long time trusting friend's email account and explaining repeatedly in a clear and dignified manner your intense desire to fuck their brains out. Possibly in ways that are illegal even in Amsterdam. This can sometimes lead to complications in a friendship. Or sometimes babies. Lots and lots of beautiful babies. Depends on if the guy is a total fag or not. I guess it's your call."
Indeed.
....waitaminute!
Anyway. Regardless of my sexual orientation, I think the real lesson here is clear. And it's this: I really am a cool ass motherfucker.
...a not gay one.
{shifty eyes}
The End(?)
I received this email from Koriku last night. I would like to make it clear that I have been great friends with this girl for several years and she has never so much as kissed my cheek... nor has she mentioned any desire to do so or (to my knowledge) given me any indication that she would like to... And then this monster shows up in my box:
"I swear. What if I moved to Atlanta? Then what would you do? Listen, dude. I know you mean well and you don't trust me and you shouldn't trust me because I would crush you. It's something I do. But it would be like the horrible hangover after a wonderful night of drinking! Okay. That's probably not a good compareson. I forrgot you don't really drink. Well I do. And I have. And I'm drunk. But that deosn't change what I'm tryin to say here. And that is that yes you'd probably get hurt at some point. but you're awesome. I think you're soooo fuckng awesome. Adn so that's how I would treat you. and also what the fuck? seriously. You act like you don't even want it! I'm hot! You're hot! It would be hot!! And so what if we didn't end up like fucking bonnie and clyde? you konw? whats so bad with just tryin git once? I know you want a stupid girl friend thats not your 'girlfreind' and this is pure and all that bullshit. but it IS bulllshit! it doesnt work. never has. never will. I mean yeah. okay. it is working. but it woldn't if i didn't want it to, you konw? Cause youd be going no no no until I start in with the licking. then youd be pretty much done for. and okay sure. I would probably lick some other boy and piss you off or whatever but even if I did that I would'nt think he was nearly as fucking awesome as you are. cause I haven't for like since we first started talking way back man!!! seriously. you dont even think your that fucking awesome but you are like the fuckingest awesomist in the worldest!!! Im not jus t saying that cause i want to fuck your brains out or whatever. I mean it!!! But come on!!! Look it's like this. You give me one night to do whatever I want and that will ber that! Then there wont be any problem cause youl'l want to keep hanging around! and that will be cool! But I know you dont want one night you want every night and all taht bullshit. I think your ideals are great and really sweet but they are fairey tales. you need to grow up and get with the rest of the human race. but your right. what we have is really cool and stuff. and maybe thats why I want to fuck you so bad. but I think maybe its just cause your so cool and not cause I cant have you or whatever but just caues I geuinely think that you are the best guy i've ever talked to. you know? It's like every other guy is dying to get in my pants and you dont even give a shit. but that's not even why I like you. I just do!!! thats what you need to understand! okay sure the whole not givng a shit about my sex is intriguing and stuff and also annoying as hell cause hello??? eagar aggressive girl meets totally unimpressed boy! But still thats not what draws me to you. I liked talking to you waaaay before I wanted thiss for real. you are a funny bastard and you always know when to make fun of me and when to shut up and let me bitch and when to say something really eloquent and nice in its simplicity. So yes I really want to rock your fucking sox off with some crazy monkey sex, but its really cause I want to fuck your brain! and i'm not talking about some sick skullfuck shit. you know what i mean. And just cause I dont really belive in monagamy or marraige and stuff doesnt mean you shoudn't take advantage of that!!!! I dont even think you really do sometimes! I think maybe i have been getting to drun kto make much sense now but all i am trying to say is you should get over your stupid philosphies and we should hang out SSOON!!!! maybe i wouldnt even TRY to have sex with you! okay i would. but you would like it I promise!!! and if I hurt you later I would make it up with more of the sex that you would like!!!!!!! so now i will quit bitching but you should come over. bye."
So besides causing me to laugh my ass off, this letter touched me deep down inside. I mean it's not that often a friend tells me they want to fuck my brain in a totally non skull-fuck kind of way. After having an extremely long conversation with her she claims to have been abnormally sexually frustrated and lonely that night. And that she doesn't want my sex all that bad. This seems suspicious but I'll go along with it. She has given me permission to paste the letter all over the internet, though... as a Public Service Announcement against drinking and typing. I will back her efforts to the fullest of my capabilities.
Girls and boys: If you ever feel the need to explain your opposition to someone's basic beliefs, there is a fairly good chance that you won't win the debate with a blood alcohol content over .15 ...excepting, of course, their belief is that you won't make a total ass of yourself and vomit on the majority of your belongings in the near future. Not that it isn't possible... your opponent could have a alcohol level over .50 making him/her legally dead and in no condition to present a reasonable rebuttal.
Also, Koriku would like to add the following... I suggest taking her message to heart:
"Hey kids. Auntie Kori here. Whatever uncle Will has been telling you is true. On top of that I would like to say that Drunk time is also not the best time for driving. Cause you may end up driving over to your long time trusting friend's email account and explaining repeatedly in a clear and dignified manner your intense desire to fuck their brains out. Possibly in ways that are illegal even in Amsterdam. This can sometimes lead to complications in a friendship. Or sometimes babies. Lots and lots of beautiful babies. Depends on if the guy is a total fag or not. I guess it's your call."
Indeed.
....waitaminute!
Anyway. Regardless of my sexual orientation, I think the real lesson here is clear. And it's this: I really am a cool ass motherfucker.
...a not gay one.
{shifty eyes}
The End(?)
and the illuminati are just the upper crust of the shriners, anyway.
[Edited on May 16, 2004 12:50PM]