sushi

You know things are really bad when you miss the good old days where abnormally large things came out of your penis. I say this because very soon something will be going in! Does this not disturb you? Are you not terrified for me? It's okay, really... I'll make up for your lack and more all by myself. In about five hours I will check into the hospital for an endoscopy. And I'm a little upset about the whole ordeal. Early Monday morning I passed what I thought was my stone. It was not fun-- but only mildly unpleasant in comparison to what I experienced initially. I feel like after that I can take anything. I talked to a woman at the urologist who was a veteran of both kidney stones and child-birth. She assured me that the stone was at least twice as painful. Several medical documents I have browsed cited it as being the worst possible pain there is. I would argue against that, but only with metaphysical evidence to present (i.e. heartbreak)... but then, I'm a sap. Anyway, the stone was about the size of a b.b. and was (as I was to discover later that day) only part of the whole that was having a picnic in my bladder. The culprit itself is about the size of an m&m. Enter Mr. Endoscope. I became aquainted with him at my pre-op session. This is the frightening looking device that will soon be jabbed into my bladder via my urethra. I liked how they were always certain to use that phrase-- "via the urethra". I'm not sure if they were too polite or too chicken to give it to me straight and explain that this long, scary, bendy-pointy-thing was going to become quite intimate with my penis. "It's like surgery... but there are no incisions in an endoscopy!" my doctor friend tells me reassuringly. I dunno... maybe I'm a littly zany, but I would much rather them cut into my abdomen than go up in there rotor-rooter style. So anyway... after this thing has wormed it's way through my member... it finds the stone, captures it, crushes it, and yanks it out of me. Then a tube is placed inside for a few days to allow the lining of my urethra to heal... "because there will be inevitable damage" says Dr. Duralde. "AHHHHH!!!.... AAAAAAHHHHHHHHH!!!!" says me. Also I will apparently be in still more pain each time I urinate for about two weeks. I'm telling you, kids... these things are the way of the future! Forget your pansy-ass piercings and tatoos. Endoscopies are where it's at!

If complications from the procedure result in my death... will someone please tell them to inscribe the following on my headstone: "He died the way he lived... naked... with several strangers inserting horrifying unholy machinery into his genitals."