I received a disturbing letter in the old e-mailbox today. The implications of this message are quite possibly catastrophic. Even worse is that my communication to the author of the troubling news has been cut off. Since my account has this loving habit of not letting me send large letters... or, at least, making me click send about 50 times before it actually works. This entry is for Liz. I hope it helps.
Liz says:
Have you ever been in orlando, Florida? See, I was in Orlando one day walking though the grocery store in search of a bottle of grape Faygo when this kid came up to me. He had a fist full of photographs and said, "Hey, you, girl, check these out." And I did, and I did... The first one he showed me was of this kid stuck in the freezer in the frozen food section. And, the spooky thing is, I think it was that kid, the one in your picture.
She is referring to this:
My response:
To answer your question: Yes. I have been to Orlando.
Now, to address the dilemma, I present two facts: 1) I am the kid in the polaroid. 2) The polaroid is sitting directly in front of me as I type.
This leaves us with a number of possible solutions which I will briefly indulge throughout the remainder of this letter.
Solution A} You are mistaken. They were two different photographs with two different subjects. -:::- I have decided against this solution. It's boring. I refuse to believe that you would have ever made such an error, that memory is in any way fallable, or that fate is such a cold-hearted-bitch-monster-of-death that she would lead you back to an image that is only similar to the one you had seen before. No. This is the same picture. You have seen me before... if only as a fragment of light held captive on film.
Solution B} They came in the night. My trusty old polaroid camera has a name-- "Soul-Stealer". Surely you are aware of the common believe among more spiritual cultures that mirrors and cameras will capture a piece of your soul each time they are put to use. Now, if I am to assume that I have a soul... and that it can be manipulated/captured/purchased/etc... It wouldn't be too far of a stretch to wager that there are beings out there that enjoy the manipulating/capturing/purchasing/etc of human souls. It is plausible, to me, that one of these beings, knowing the price for the entirety of my soul would be far too high, raided my room at night and stole my vast collection of polaroids. Thereby taking tiny pieces of both mine and many others' souls. -:::- There are two problems with this solution. How the polaroid ever got to you and How it was returned to me before the writing of this letter. To address the former problem: Could you have, in fact, met face to face with a soul-stealer at the grocery store? Perhaps he was full of pride and simply wanted to share his bounty. Perhaps it was in an attempt to win a larger share of your soul "Hey, you, girl, check these out... while unbeknownst to you I stare at your reflection in that shiny shopping cart over there and use my reflect-o-suck-machine, like some sort of ethereal dust buster, to take a significant portion of your being." Afterwards he could have returned my pictures, having gotten what he was really after... you. I suppose an alternate means of their return is that there was a freedom fighter of souls. If there are villianous soul thieves, then surely there are heros to balance the scales. Somewhere along the line my captor was engaged and defeated and my pieces-of-soul were returned safely without my ever knowing.
Solution C} My middle name is Tyler. This is true. I don't sleep very much. This is also true.... i think. Or is it that during the intervals of my half-wake state I have become the latest cash-in cliche... a wacky multiple personality guy! -:::- However, hollywood has taught me that these alternate characters are generally produced in order to fill a role that the other self can not. Going to a grocery store in Florida and showing a girl polaroids of myself in a freezer seems to be perfectly within my own realm of capabilities. So why would I need to create some other guy to do this for me? Were there any murders in the area around that time? Perhaps he was up to no good and wanted to link me to the acts by leaving pictures of me at the various scenes of crime... but in the meantime wanted a box of hostess snack cakes and decided to drop by the store where you happened to be.
Solution D} You made the story up in an attempt to say "hi" without being boring. -:::- Nah... this was simply a possibility that flashed through my mind in a moment of pure vanity... a moment in which girls that were too creative to simply click "add to friends" actually wanted to talk to me. Disregard this solution.
Solution E} The work of the devil. -:::- No further expounding of this solution is neccessary as it is obviously the correct one.
but just for kicks..
Solution F} Grape Faygo is a hallucinogen. I'm not sure if you are aware of the sordid history of the product... but the company was originally owned by brothers Ben and Perry. FROM RUSSIA!!!! That's right, sister-- the iron curtain; the red machine; the... socialist... something. Anyway, despite the fall of communism and being pals with them now and all... back in the day, the son of Perry-- a cold war spy for the motherland, took over the company and altered the ingredients of the export version of the beverage to include a mild psychoactive chemical that induces a state of acceptance. This was part of his master plan to drug the American public with the intent to brainwash. While his attempt was a massive failure, grape Faygo has been known, on very rare occasion, to produce such astonishing effects as mind-reading, animal-communication, and--most notable to this solution-- visions of the future! The whole conversation with the guy who showed you the pictures never happened. What you saw was a brief glimpse of things to come... particularly mundane things... such as you browsing around on myspace and seeing a photograph of me. -:::- This, of course, all depends on whether or not you actually found the bottle of Faygo you were in search of. If not, consider yourself psychic.
These are only the solutions I have come up with thus far and are by no means the only possible answers to this intriguing problem you have proposed to me. Regardless, it has been most enjoyable discussing the event and a great pleasure to meet you. (again?)
Liz says:
Have you ever been in orlando, Florida? See, I was in Orlando one day walking though the grocery store in search of a bottle of grape Faygo when this kid came up to me. He had a fist full of photographs and said, "Hey, you, girl, check these out." And I did, and I did... The first one he showed me was of this kid stuck in the freezer in the frozen food section. And, the spooky thing is, I think it was that kid, the one in your picture.
She is referring to this:
My response:
To answer your question: Yes. I have been to Orlando.
Now, to address the dilemma, I present two facts: 1) I am the kid in the polaroid. 2) The polaroid is sitting directly in front of me as I type.
This leaves us with a number of possible solutions which I will briefly indulge throughout the remainder of this letter.
Solution A} You are mistaken. They were two different photographs with two different subjects. -:::- I have decided against this solution. It's boring. I refuse to believe that you would have ever made such an error, that memory is in any way fallable, or that fate is such a cold-hearted-bitch-monster-of-death that she would lead you back to an image that is only similar to the one you had seen before. No. This is the same picture. You have seen me before... if only as a fragment of light held captive on film.
Solution B} They came in the night. My trusty old polaroid camera has a name-- "Soul-Stealer". Surely you are aware of the common believe among more spiritual cultures that mirrors and cameras will capture a piece of your soul each time they are put to use. Now, if I am to assume that I have a soul... and that it can be manipulated/captured/purchased/etc... It wouldn't be too far of a stretch to wager that there are beings out there that enjoy the manipulating/capturing/purchasing/etc of human souls. It is plausible, to me, that one of these beings, knowing the price for the entirety of my soul would be far too high, raided my room at night and stole my vast collection of polaroids. Thereby taking tiny pieces of both mine and many others' souls. -:::- There are two problems with this solution. How the polaroid ever got to you and How it was returned to me before the writing of this letter. To address the former problem: Could you have, in fact, met face to face with a soul-stealer at the grocery store? Perhaps he was full of pride and simply wanted to share his bounty. Perhaps it was in an attempt to win a larger share of your soul "Hey, you, girl, check these out... while unbeknownst to you I stare at your reflection in that shiny shopping cart over there and use my reflect-o-suck-machine, like some sort of ethereal dust buster, to take a significant portion of your being." Afterwards he could have returned my pictures, having gotten what he was really after... you. I suppose an alternate means of their return is that there was a freedom fighter of souls. If there are villianous soul thieves, then surely there are heros to balance the scales. Somewhere along the line my captor was engaged and defeated and my pieces-of-soul were returned safely without my ever knowing.
Solution C} My middle name is Tyler. This is true. I don't sleep very much. This is also true.... i think. Or is it that during the intervals of my half-wake state I have become the latest cash-in cliche... a wacky multiple personality guy! -:::- However, hollywood has taught me that these alternate characters are generally produced in order to fill a role that the other self can not. Going to a grocery store in Florida and showing a girl polaroids of myself in a freezer seems to be perfectly within my own realm of capabilities. So why would I need to create some other guy to do this for me? Were there any murders in the area around that time? Perhaps he was up to no good and wanted to link me to the acts by leaving pictures of me at the various scenes of crime... but in the meantime wanted a box of hostess snack cakes and decided to drop by the store where you happened to be.
Solution D} You made the story up in an attempt to say "hi" without being boring. -:::- Nah... this was simply a possibility that flashed through my mind in a moment of pure vanity... a moment in which girls that were too creative to simply click "add to friends" actually wanted to talk to me. Disregard this solution.
Solution E} The work of the devil. -:::- No further expounding of this solution is neccessary as it is obviously the correct one.
but just for kicks..
Solution F} Grape Faygo is a hallucinogen. I'm not sure if you are aware of the sordid history of the product... but the company was originally owned by brothers Ben and Perry. FROM RUSSIA!!!! That's right, sister-- the iron curtain; the red machine; the... socialist... something. Anyway, despite the fall of communism and being pals with them now and all... back in the day, the son of Perry-- a cold war spy for the motherland, took over the company and altered the ingredients of the export version of the beverage to include a mild psychoactive chemical that induces a state of acceptance. This was part of his master plan to drug the American public with the intent to brainwash. While his attempt was a massive failure, grape Faygo has been known, on very rare occasion, to produce such astonishing effects as mind-reading, animal-communication, and--most notable to this solution-- visions of the future! The whole conversation with the guy who showed you the pictures never happened. What you saw was a brief glimpse of things to come... particularly mundane things... such as you browsing around on myspace and seeing a photograph of me. -:::- This, of course, all depends on whether or not you actually found the bottle of Faygo you were in search of. If not, consider yourself psychic.
These are only the solutions I have come up with thus far and are by no means the only possible answers to this intriguing problem you have proposed to me. Regardless, it has been most enjoyable discussing the event and a great pleasure to meet you. (again?)
arcadia_rose:
that was the best introductory email i have ever received. You are indeed an interesting person, no doubt.