man, even when i'm hyper and giggly i'm still depressed. this fucking sux. i wanna be out doing something fun!!!! but i cant! cuz i dont have any friends! cuz i'm too fucking psycho and have no social skills at all so everyone hates me! YAY!!!!
meh.
i can always play with my kitten, but, arg. i want to play with a PERSON! preferably a male! preferably without any clothes on! i'm not supposed to call nick (cuz then i'd be too needy (he is the one who told me this btw, i didnt make it up), he's stupposed to call me), but i think i could for this particular activity. as long as i go to his house. then he doesnt have to really do anything.
i'd call andrew, but i've called him like 4 times in the past few weeks, and he hasnt called me back. he hasnt answered my emails either. i dont know what's going on. he's still a virign anyway and wants to stay that way until he's married. crazy kid. i've seen him in his underwear though! not that that's special though cuz he played brad in rocky horror, so, yeah, lots of people did. it was funny.
i'm just so fucking bored! and horny! and lonely! it's a bad combination. there was an ad on craigslist for some guy who wanted some female company about once a week for $350 a night. i was very tempted to respond, but then i decided that no, i really shouldnt become a prostitute. that'd be bad. i'll stick to being a slut.
i'm ready this book, pledged, about sororites and it's making me very sad that mine sux so much. i haven't even heard from any of them since before finals. and yeah, that quarter is over, we had a week of finals, then 2 week break, and now the first week of summer school is almost over. i dont think they like me. i'm not suprised, after all, no one likes me, that's why i was trying to join in the first place!
i totally wimped out in my poli sci class today too. i didnt talk to cute boy. i was hoping he'd talk to me, but he didnt. i'll talk to him on monday though. we have a test, so that's always an easy topic. i was going to ask him about his plans for this weekend, but meh. maybe next weekend? i should just ask him out. wow, that'd be so brave of me. like i could ever do that. i'd have to drop out of the class cuz he'd say no, and then i'd be way too embaressed to go back. and when what would my parents say?
sometimes i wish my parents were dead, or were assholes, or something. then i wouldnt feel so guilty about hurting them all the time. and then i could just kill myself and be done with it all, but nooo, i cant do that, it'd destroy them. fucking guilt. i havent even done anything and i feel guilty!
it's not fair.
oh my god i wish i had a friend. i wish i knew how to be a friend. that would help a lot. i'm trying to get better.... but it's hard cuz right now i dont even have anyone to practice on. and i'm really tired of online friends too. i want someone in real life, not just on here.
blech.
my kitten is so cute.
when i was in jr high and high school i used to pray that god would just give me cancer or something. but then my friend got cancer and then i felt very guilty, like i somehow caused it, so i stopped. but then i started again when she got better. of course, by then i didnt even believe in god anymore, but that's relaly not the point. at the church that i was going to they were very much into spreading the word and all that, and one of the things that they'd tell us is to tell other people that when you became christian the joy of the lord would be with you, and wasnt that just so wonderful>?!??! and they'd always bring up that verse in matthew (i cant remember where anymore) that said "ask and you shall recieve, knock and the door will be opened to you." so every day, actually several times a day i prayed that god would let me have a bit of his joy, but he never did. so of course i'd feel very guilty (i'm guilty about everything, you'd think i was catholic, but nope!) because there must be something that i was doing wrong. eventually though i gave up. that's pretty much why i dont believe in god anymore.
wow this is turning into a long entry!
this is just what happens though.
i mean, it's not like i have an actual person to talk to.
hell, since punk isnt speaking to me anymore i dont even have someone online. dont get mad at him though, that really is my fault. i was pretty awful to him. i didnt mean to be, and i'm pretty sure he knows that, but still. even if i'm accidently making him feel like crap, i still am, and that's not cool. so i wish him all the best, and maybe once i've learned how to be a better friend i'll try to talk to him again.
blah blah blah.
i took my camera out of my car (and yes, of course, i do feel guilty about leaving such an expensive thing in my car) meaning to take some pics, but then i didnt. i dont remember why. i dont feel like taking them anymore too, so ha! no pictures for you!
assholes.
demanding pictures.
i cant always have pictures!!!
ok, so no one demanded anything. i'm just making shit up. i should stop doing that. some woudl call it lying, and lying is bad. i dont think it's lying so much as it's being creative. "creative" is much better than "lying", even when they mean the same thing.
csi is on in 6 mins. i think i'll watch that and then go to bed. i wont sleep, but whatever. i'll still go to bed!
then tomorrow i start my new job at big 5 (sporting goods store, yippie), so hopefully that goes well. or maybe god will finally answer my prayers and kill me in my sleep. i think i'll leave my door unlocked tonight.
meh.
i can always play with my kitten, but, arg. i want to play with a PERSON! preferably a male! preferably without any clothes on! i'm not supposed to call nick (cuz then i'd be too needy (he is the one who told me this btw, i didnt make it up), he's stupposed to call me), but i think i could for this particular activity. as long as i go to his house. then he doesnt have to really do anything.
i'd call andrew, but i've called him like 4 times in the past few weeks, and he hasnt called me back. he hasnt answered my emails either. i dont know what's going on. he's still a virign anyway and wants to stay that way until he's married. crazy kid. i've seen him in his underwear though! not that that's special though cuz he played brad in rocky horror, so, yeah, lots of people did. it was funny.
i'm just so fucking bored! and horny! and lonely! it's a bad combination. there was an ad on craigslist for some guy who wanted some female company about once a week for $350 a night. i was very tempted to respond, but then i decided that no, i really shouldnt become a prostitute. that'd be bad. i'll stick to being a slut.
i'm ready this book, pledged, about sororites and it's making me very sad that mine sux so much. i haven't even heard from any of them since before finals. and yeah, that quarter is over, we had a week of finals, then 2 week break, and now the first week of summer school is almost over. i dont think they like me. i'm not suprised, after all, no one likes me, that's why i was trying to join in the first place!
i totally wimped out in my poli sci class today too. i didnt talk to cute boy. i was hoping he'd talk to me, but he didnt. i'll talk to him on monday though. we have a test, so that's always an easy topic. i was going to ask him about his plans for this weekend, but meh. maybe next weekend? i should just ask him out. wow, that'd be so brave of me. like i could ever do that. i'd have to drop out of the class cuz he'd say no, and then i'd be way too embaressed to go back. and when what would my parents say?
sometimes i wish my parents were dead, or were assholes, or something. then i wouldnt feel so guilty about hurting them all the time. and then i could just kill myself and be done with it all, but nooo, i cant do that, it'd destroy them. fucking guilt. i havent even done anything and i feel guilty!
it's not fair.
oh my god i wish i had a friend. i wish i knew how to be a friend. that would help a lot. i'm trying to get better.... but it's hard cuz right now i dont even have anyone to practice on. and i'm really tired of online friends too. i want someone in real life, not just on here.
blech.
my kitten is so cute.
when i was in jr high and high school i used to pray that god would just give me cancer or something. but then my friend got cancer and then i felt very guilty, like i somehow caused it, so i stopped. but then i started again when she got better. of course, by then i didnt even believe in god anymore, but that's relaly not the point. at the church that i was going to they were very much into spreading the word and all that, and one of the things that they'd tell us is to tell other people that when you became christian the joy of the lord would be with you, and wasnt that just so wonderful>?!??! and they'd always bring up that verse in matthew (i cant remember where anymore) that said "ask and you shall recieve, knock and the door will be opened to you." so every day, actually several times a day i prayed that god would let me have a bit of his joy, but he never did. so of course i'd feel very guilty (i'm guilty about everything, you'd think i was catholic, but nope!) because there must be something that i was doing wrong. eventually though i gave up. that's pretty much why i dont believe in god anymore.
wow this is turning into a long entry!
this is just what happens though.
i mean, it's not like i have an actual person to talk to.
hell, since punk isnt speaking to me anymore i dont even have someone online. dont get mad at him though, that really is my fault. i was pretty awful to him. i didnt mean to be, and i'm pretty sure he knows that, but still. even if i'm accidently making him feel like crap, i still am, and that's not cool. so i wish him all the best, and maybe once i've learned how to be a better friend i'll try to talk to him again.
blah blah blah.
i took my camera out of my car (and yes, of course, i do feel guilty about leaving such an expensive thing in my car) meaning to take some pics, but then i didnt. i dont remember why. i dont feel like taking them anymore too, so ha! no pictures for you!
assholes.
demanding pictures.
i cant always have pictures!!!
ok, so no one demanded anything. i'm just making shit up. i should stop doing that. some woudl call it lying, and lying is bad. i dont think it's lying so much as it's being creative. "creative" is much better than "lying", even when they mean the same thing.
csi is on in 6 mins. i think i'll watch that and then go to bed. i wont sleep, but whatever. i'll still go to bed!
then tomorrow i start my new job at big 5 (sporting goods store, yippie), so hopefully that goes well. or maybe god will finally answer my prayers and kill me in my sleep. i think i'll leave my door unlocked tonight.
VIEW 5 of 5 COMMENTS
Evil
So how was your day
[Edited on Jun 24, 2005 8:18PM]
Get plenty of rest.
Evil