way too stressed over john today. didnt eat much. a bowl of oatmeal and some potatoes for dinner. my stomach is killing me and we dont have anything for it, which sux. i've never actually taken medicine for a stomache before, but they usually dont last for 3 fucking hours. ugh. much pain. stupid boys. i totally blame him. (a bit of explanation about my last entry, for those who were curious, and for myself cuz i need to write it)
see, last night we were talking. and i told him about how upset i've been that abby couldnt talk to me when she found out that she was pregnany and about how hurt i was that she lied and all that. nothing from him. so i talk a bit more about how i've always wanted to be close to her and yet we never have been. nothing from him. so i go on a bit more. nothing. finally i say something along the lines of "but i guess this isnt interesting, new topic maybe?" and he just says "it's life." ok. fine.
so i drop it. despite the fact that by this point i'm crying. so we talk about nothing for awhile and then i dont even remember what it was that i said.... it was about something else that's been stressing me out anyway. and he still didnt say anything. so then i pointed out that we only ever work when we're just messing around, which he (finally) agreed with. and was ok with. sometimes we need someone to talk to, and i was trying to talk to him cuz i thouhgt i was closer to him than anyone else, but he didnt even respond to anyhing that i said that was of any importance. and it really upset me. so more crying. so i dropped it. i said "fine, whatever, i dont even want to talk about it anymore" because, well, i didnt. not with him anyway. so he says goodnight and that was it. about 15 mins later he put up an away message and left.
for a long period of my life i didnt ever stand up for myself when my friends treated me like shit. like when i was turning 16 and my best friend forgot about my birthday. or all the times going out with carina and she never once listened to me when i said what movie i'd prefer to see or where we'd go to eat or anything. after awhile i just stopped voicing my opinion, and then i just plain stopped having one. i didnt care. it was better to have friends that you dont even like and who dont seem to like you either than it is to have no friends. as i'm getting older though i'm changing my mind. i'd rather have a good friend. and if the only people around me arent being good friends than i'd rather not have them around.
so when john completely ignores me unless i'm joking about something or fucking him then i have to make the decision. do i really want to be his friend or not? in his defense, when we are just joking around we have a great time together. he can be way more fun than anyone else. but sometimes i need to be serious.
so last night i sent him an email that said that i dont think i can be friends with him anymore.
and he hasnt responded. he hasnt even been on aim. which is weird. he was having some computer troubles he said, so maybe his comp is just fucked up, but i dunno. maybe he blocked me.
anyway. the point to all of this is that it's making me all stressed out, which makes me not eat very much, which means that when i do eat finally it gives me a very veyr bad stomach so i'm gonna go lie down or something.
and tomorrow morning i'm getting up early and heading off to ventura (a ca. city in between la and santa barbara for those who dont know heehee) and i wont be back until monday afternoonish. hopefully by then i'll have a response from him.
see, last night we were talking. and i told him about how upset i've been that abby couldnt talk to me when she found out that she was pregnany and about how hurt i was that she lied and all that. nothing from him. so i talk a bit more about how i've always wanted to be close to her and yet we never have been. nothing from him. so i go on a bit more. nothing. finally i say something along the lines of "but i guess this isnt interesting, new topic maybe?" and he just says "it's life." ok. fine.
so i drop it. despite the fact that by this point i'm crying. so we talk about nothing for awhile and then i dont even remember what it was that i said.... it was about something else that's been stressing me out anyway. and he still didnt say anything. so then i pointed out that we only ever work when we're just messing around, which he (finally) agreed with. and was ok with. sometimes we need someone to talk to, and i was trying to talk to him cuz i thouhgt i was closer to him than anyone else, but he didnt even respond to anyhing that i said that was of any importance. and it really upset me. so more crying. so i dropped it. i said "fine, whatever, i dont even want to talk about it anymore" because, well, i didnt. not with him anyway. so he says goodnight and that was it. about 15 mins later he put up an away message and left.
for a long period of my life i didnt ever stand up for myself when my friends treated me like shit. like when i was turning 16 and my best friend forgot about my birthday. or all the times going out with carina and she never once listened to me when i said what movie i'd prefer to see or where we'd go to eat or anything. after awhile i just stopped voicing my opinion, and then i just plain stopped having one. i didnt care. it was better to have friends that you dont even like and who dont seem to like you either than it is to have no friends. as i'm getting older though i'm changing my mind. i'd rather have a good friend. and if the only people around me arent being good friends than i'd rather not have them around.
so when john completely ignores me unless i'm joking about something or fucking him then i have to make the decision. do i really want to be his friend or not? in his defense, when we are just joking around we have a great time together. he can be way more fun than anyone else. but sometimes i need to be serious.
so last night i sent him an email that said that i dont think i can be friends with him anymore.
and he hasnt responded. he hasnt even been on aim. which is weird. he was having some computer troubles he said, so maybe his comp is just fucked up, but i dunno. maybe he blocked me.
anyway. the point to all of this is that it's making me all stressed out, which makes me not eat very much, which means that when i do eat finally it gives me a very veyr bad stomach so i'm gonna go lie down or something.
and tomorrow morning i'm getting up early and heading off to ventura (a ca. city in between la and santa barbara for those who dont know heehee) and i wont be back until monday afternoonish. hopefully by then i'll have a response from him.
For your sake, I hope I am wrong and he gets his act together, cause I can tell you care deeply for him. At the same time, I really don't want you to keep getting hurt by him.
I am the same way, as far as voicing my feelings and opinions. I have come to terms with the fact that no one cares to hear them.
For what it is worth, I am always around to talk to. You know that.