surface

last night i dreamed of suicide. i kept throwing myself into oncoming traffic, but kept getting back up. is this code for something?

I've never claimed to be an expert at dream interpretations, but I'll give it a shot.

I'd say that first of all, you're going for something dramatic, like you're looking to make a splash in death to make up for not being able to accomplish that in life. I say this because when people really want to die there are a lot more sure fire ways to die than jumping in front of a train, and the only people that do that are trying to be remembered or noticed. But as you said you're not lying down on the train tracks, you're throwing yourself in front of a train, which is something different all together. People who lay down on train tracks are waiting to die, they know their death is coming, and they wait for it. People who throw themselves in front of trains are definitely living in that moment. Throwing yourself in front of a train could be a brutally romantic way to die, but the point is that it's an act of commitment but also of resistance since you're having to throw your body into the path of this train. The train could also symbolize a lot of things, which is open for interpretation. I'd say that the train represents a direction in your life that you feel is both unstoppable, and that you cannot redirect, so you're throwing yourself in front of it as a last act of desperation. And lastly, you could possibly be getting back up from it because of some resentment you have towards your father.

psyche. I just wanted to throw that in to try to get all freudian.

Anyways.. I would venture a guess that you keep getting back up because you've got two different perspectives of the situation at hand: one is that you cannot control the situation to it, and you've got to submit to it, so you're throwing in the towel, and the other is that thought in the back of your head of stubborn denial of the impending doom that is this train, and your refusal to be beaten by destiny. You're grabbing the theory of free will and pulling it onto the tracks with you as you take that leap in front of the train that represents destiny and making it pull you back up time after time.


So there's my take on it, anyways.

I could be totally wrong.