So, I have these two things that recently happened, either of which could be a totally entertaining separate blog entry, but I'll give you both because my short-term memory is total shyte, and this shit needs to be documented because it's legit.
1. I'm on an airplane to Medellín, Colombia. I'm exhausted, having stayed up for almost 48 hours; I was struggling to keep my eyes open. At some point the sky waitresses (I know they hate that, that's why I say it-you don't like it? Learn to type, I dunno what to tell you. Maybe go fish for Alaskan Crabs, become an Ice Road Trucker, Go look for gold in some shit location, or some other ridiculously poor career choice, bygones) begin serving "lunch." They start from the front and begin their way back. As I am in 36F (right next to the bathroom which is a totally different rant, but also noteworthy), this completely fucks me over. First of all, it takes them an hour to reach me and I am literally hanging on a thread of consciousness in hopes of some most needed nutrition to keep me stable and sane. I know if I fall asleep, I'm done. They'll skip me--after that, you're done. You'd have better luck putting an oyster in a parking meter than getting anything from the waitresses, whom I refuse to call "flight attendants." They don't "attend" shit unless you're in first class; otherwise, the treat you like total shit.
Sooo, as they are making their way, I hear the repeated offer of, "Chicken Sandwich or Taco Salad? Chicken Sandwich or Taco Salad?" So, I start thinking... Man, fucking Taco Salad on an airplane. What the fuck would that be like??? I, normally, don't eat the crap food on an airline, but in my sleep-deprived autonomy, I've completely neglected to eat and I am starving. Taco-fucking-salad!
As they draw nearer, my fantasy is running wild: YO, I'M EATING TACO SALAD IN THE SKYYYYYY!!!!! Never even heard of that option! I can't fucking wait.
Now, here's where a curious thing happens... By "curious," I mean fucking absurdly disappointing. Now, the flight crew is Medellín based, which means they speak English as a second language, which sets the stage for some pretty unique and awkward situations, especially if you understand what it's like to speak in a foreign language and totally fuck something up. They've no idea I speak Spanish, so I always get this very uncomfortable attempt to "speak English to the white boy."
They fucking ran out of Taco Salad!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! ARE YOU SHITTIN' MEEEEE?????? FUCKING TACO SALAD???? HOW THE HELL AM I EVER GOING TO HAVE THIS OPPORTUNITY AGAIN? WHAT THE FUUUUCK????
So, I hear this and am overwhelmed with grief; I couldn't even concentrate. I began to perspire. My heart was pounding. I was angry. Total disbelief. I couldn't believe the carelessness in all of the airline employees' negligence it must have taken to set this chain of events in motion... How disrespectful! You don't know who I am? You don't think it's too much for me to ask for a damn Taco Salad??? Is it because I'm in 36F? I bet if I was in first class, I'd be eating Taco Salad right now! But, noooo.... You think I'm a second-class citizen! What would you think if I told you I could buy this motherfucking airplane and fire everyone of you? I just sit in coach, because it's sensible. Fuck you, sky-waitresses!
So, then comes the time when she comes to offer me my only option.... I'm so ready to give her sooooo much shit, because I am acting selfish, defensive, and generally infantile--she's gonna pay. She prolly does't deserve it, but at this point, it's on.
She totally and completely disarms me with a minute question of grammar. As she approaches, she hands me a dish and simply says, "Today your choice is Chicken Sandwich."
I start to go off on my predetermined rant, but I'm suddenly stricken by the simplicity of her statement and it's philosophical content. "Today your choice is Chicken Sandwich."
Fuck yeah, it is. You know why? Because we're completely out of the other shit and this is all we got left--eat it or starve. Your choice is "Chicken Sandwich." It's your fucking choice. And so, I began thinking of my prior outrage about the Taco Salad and I felt a shame that I cannot verbalize. First-world problems, Man. I was freaking out because I couldn't have Taco Salad on a 4 hour flight. How embarrassing.
Today my choice was Chicken Sandwich.
2. I live several floors up in my building, which requires the obligatory elevator ride to my parking space or the concierge. I live in a building full of immigrants--very wealthy immigrants, not fugitives or anything like that, but they're simply not used to being here yet. They'll come around. Anyway, it always makes for some incredibly interesting shit on the elevator.
There's the "Sexy Chinese" girl. Dude, this chick is sooooo friggin' hot, she stops traffic. I've seen it happen when we both were inadvertently walking to Publix--two times ;) Cars, literally, stop in the street. She's so hot. I've attempted to speak to her on 2 occasions, but she doesn't speak English and just turns flush and giggles. Meh....
I live on the top floor. So, there is also the occasional Latino on-board the elevator going down when it opens on my floor.... What the fuck is that all about? You came from a lower floor, now you're going down? I want to interview this guy. "What kind of a dipshit are you?" Fuck me. You're an idiot. Did you come from the motherfucking sky? We're going down. I'm on the top floor. How the fuck did you get here?
Whatever...
Here's where your loyal narrator becomes a complete dick....
So, I'm in the elevator (going down without extra passengers) and the elevator stops and a woman enters. This very, very, rarely happens at the time I'm leaving the building, so I perk up just a bit. She looks at me and says, "Thank you."
I'm immediately flabbergasted with my infantile mind. I start thinking, "Thank you? Who the fuck are you and who do you think I am? I don't work in a goddamn elevator. This ain't an episode of Mad Men. Are you normally not allowed on elevators? Why do you want to thank me? "
"No ma'am, it's stairs for you! It's always BEEN stairs for you, and you KNOW this! Get the fuck off the elevator!"
I bite my tongue and don't say shit, thank Darwin.
As I am driving to work, I am recapping the weirdness of all this shit and the audacity of the woman and I have an astounding moment of clarity. I am in uniform.... Holy shit. This woman was thanking me for my service, and me in my fucked up little head couldn't tally that, at the time and just say, "You're welcome. Thank you for saying as much."
Wow.
