superflea

Long one today. Sorry. I wonder if HTML anchors could be stored in cookies as bookmarks. Hmm.

The journal commenceth:

In somewhere under 48 hours, I will have been single for a full week, for the first time in over four years. I'm crushed. I'm frightened. I'm ecstatic. I'm optimistic. I'm content. I'm miserable.

So it goes.

*IMPENDING METAPHOR ALERT*

Once could think of a relationship like a glass of water, where the glass represents what you need and the water represents what you have. Fill the glass full enough, and you have a relationship that you can make work for the rest of your life.

Alternately, you could think of a relationship like a row of shot glasses. They'll hold the same volume in total, but they're compartmentalized. The shot glasses represent your individual needs, one at a time. This is how I think of this relationship. The problem wasn't that we had one large glass that was only 60% full or something. It was that we had a row of little glasses. Some were overflowing, most were well stocked, but one was almost completely empty.

There were elements to our relationship that just never seemed to quite be there, but these are elements that are fundamental to what we both want and need in a relationship. It's one thing to have something to work on. It's another to effectively have nothing in a certain area.

And so we made our difficult decision. I think we both saw it coming, both independently and in our ever more frequent 'state of the union' talks. And as much as I hate admitting it, or will try to scamper around the fact, I think we both sincerely know this decision is for the best.

She said something that surprised me last night - that a reconciliation would not be what she's looking for at this point. I was initially taken aback, but I think mainly because I never like being confronted with sad realities, not because I didn't see it coming.

In many ways, we're probably having one of the best, most mature, and easiest breakups in the world. We still care about one another immensely. Nobody did anything stupid. There's no animosity. The communication is great and has always been. And because of all that, we both knew that, while reconciliation is always going to be on the table, it has to be because we've made an informed decision that what the two of us have is what we both really want, and can be what we need. And that doesn't just mean space. That means looking at some other opportunities. We have to see if we can get all the shot glasses filled.

So alcohol has figured heavily as a coping mechanism. So what?

There are no words for how much I'm going to miss her - for how much I already do miss her even though she still lives here until the end of the month and I still sleep next to her every night.

She's unquestionably the best person I've ever met. She's been my best friend, closest confidant, cheering section, and biggest inspiration for farther back than I can remember without some serious brow-furrowing action. She has the softest skin in the world. Every time I run my fingers across the small of her back, I know... angels aren't so soft. Her left cheek is my favourite thing in the world to kiss. She's kind. She's generous. She's unapologetically her own person. She's totally stacked. She still wishes upon the first star she sees. Few things make her as happy as a peanut butter and jam sandwich. She's brilliant. She dances like she means it at concerts. She has the patience of a saint and puts up with my bullshit more than anybody in their right mind would. And here's the thing that makes me love her most of all: she's better at experiencing joy than any person I've ever met.

But that said, we both know that what we had has to end. I think we can both accept that. We're not happy about it. But we know it's for the best, and that's a small comfort.

I'm surprised at my own willingness to get back on the horse, so to speak. I think we've known the end was probably coming for a while now. Maybe a lot of the mourning is out of the way. Maybe we've been friends and roomates more than a couple for enough weeks and months now that a lot of the processes of breaking up are already done.

One of my friend's gfs has been doing a hard sell for weeks now, saying that I have to meet her best friend, despite my protestations at the time that "I'm not even single." (My friend subsequently observed that about two weeks ago, that objection changed to "...not single yet." Hmm.) I don't know if I'll even meet that girl, let alone see if it will turn into something. But I'm willing to meet somebody new. Maybe I'm just setting myself up for the obligatory rebound thing... but maybe I'm just ready for something new.

I do think that I'm more excited about the prospect of meeting somebody than I ever have been. I think that's probably because I'm happier with myself than I have ever been. I have my dream job. I'm not scuttling below minimum wage and terrified about the future anymore. I'm happier with the guy in the mirror. His eyes are brighter and his smile more genuine by orders of magnitude over the last time he was single. He looks great with those earrings. And he's still got some work to do at the gym, but you can really tell he's been going.

Plus he has an extra ticket for both The Pixies and The Cure. Does a heavier class of artillery even exist for showing a girl a good time?

Whoever that lucky gal is, she better dance like she means it.

I guess the important thing is that I'm fine. I'm sad a lot of the time. I've choked back tears more than once since Monday. (On Sunday night, I was a bawling wreck in the shower. Yeesh.) I will miss her like a limb. I hate the process (which I labelled "de-coupling", and proceeded to feel extremely pleased with my own cleverness) by which we're starting to curtail certain behaviours with one another.

But I'm fine. I'll be okay. (I like to tell myself I'm now the most eligible bachelor on the site.) And instead of my university era panic attacks as to whether or not I'll ever find another woman goodly enough to go out with me, I now know as an absolute certainty that I'm capable of building something real with somebody wonderful.

Everything's gonna be all right.
Everything's gonna be all right.
Everything's gonna be all right, now.
Everything's gonna be all right.