I fucked up today. I royally pissed of Amy and I don't blame her a bit. I went to txt her good morning and someone else answered back that they would give her the message. Maybe I'm strange, but if I found out a friend of mine picked up my phone and read a text message sent to me I would be livid. If I further found out that they text back I would go balistic! 
So when I got that response, I saw RED! I would blame it on the cold medicine that I wasn't thinking clearly, but I know that wasn't the only factor. When I got to work I e-mailed Amy from my work computer to her work e-mail that I wanted to know if she was seeing this guy. Since we have broken up, I've been sensitive to the fact that I intrude on her quite a bit with texts and calling and even though she says it's alright, I always wonder. Do I blame her for going out with someone? No. We are still broken up even though I would do anything to change that. Now, I've really put my foot into it. I will admit that I thought of e-mailing her yahoo e-mail, but she's told me how she has hundreds of e-mails on there and that she often doesn't get mine because it's deleted or buried. I know I should have talked to her personally, but I was so livid I couldn't think straight and writing always allows me to get my thoughts out clearer than I can talk. I should have just let it go, but I am paranoid about being too naive. I often don't see what's in front of me and when it get's spelled out that I totally missed what was happening, in the case of relationships often it's someone seeing someone else when I thought we were fine, I feel violated and hurt and angry. If she was seeing him, I just wanted closure. If they were just friends why is he picking up her phone? I know it's her phone, but doesn't she find that disturbing?
Now Amy has told me that she has this friend that comes over quite regularly and it's just friends. However, she tells me that he comes in to her house when she's asleep. He comes at midnight. He's walked in on her just laying in bed. I find that rude and even more disturbing. Especially since she said he's 38. That's old enough to find manners.
I'm lousy at talking about things and that's how misunderstandings start. I know I've been jealous because of a number of factors.
1. She told me that she wouldn't even tell me where she lived because she didn't want things to be awkward for her son.
I can respect that. Although I wouldn't be asking to go to bed with her when her son was there and I sure wouldn't be there when he woke up in the morning unless we were committed and we had talked with him. However, she even told me that her son didn't know her friend and that he had slept over a number of times.
2. When we were dating she had too many commitments on her plate to be in a committed relationship and it wasn't fair to me.
I can respect not stringing me along. However, she and her son go fishing with her friend. She would go out with friends to the bar and even call me from there. When I asked about why she didn't invite me she told me it was because I wouldn't want to know her friends. I know she also spent a lot of time with her brothers family trying to straighten it out. I can understand her wanting time alone to do things with her son. Why would she want to take her son fishing with a friend that he didn't even know, but not do something (including fishing) with me?
3. She seems to be getting more distant every day.
Until this morning I didn't think I was that jealous. I know I was irritated that someone was interacting with her on a regular basis like I never could when we were dating. However, I just let it slide off of my back because she broke up with me. All I could think about this morning when her friend txt back was only someone comfortable and intimate (I don't mean just sex, but a relationship) with someone would dare to do that with someone elses phone. That was like a kick in the gut and shattered me.
As soon as I hit send at work I knew I had fucked up. I didn't need her reply to tell me. Then when she sent it back I tried to justify it and screwed it up even worse. Today was the second worse day I've ever had in this office (the first being the Monday after she broke up with me). The silence was deafening. I've thought I understood that phrase before, but today was a true eye opening. The roar of a woman scorned expressed in pure silence and indifference. It distracted me throughout the day. A hundred times I wanted to go in and say something, but I didn't. First I had already admitted I screwed up and repeating myself would only make her madder. Second I wanted to give her a chance to calm down. Third I didn't know what I would say and it would probably have come out whiny anyways. If I thought I had been in the right, I would have stood my ground and fought. But, I knew that while my reasons might have been right, my way of going about it was totally wrong.
So, am I sorry for asking what I did? No. Am I sorry for not waiting until I had calmed down and ask her directly if we could talk? Yes.
Needless to say I wanted to smoke in the worst way. However, I fought it off and did not smoke a single puff. I even resisted when I joined a group outside to talk and they all lit up.
This morning it was very hard not to rub one out. Amy was on my mind most of the night. Maybe that's part of what set me off this morning was the intrusion of another's presence when I had been thinking of her and me alone all night and all morning. Now I feel so rotten I couldn't perform if I wanted to.
While I'm well read, I'm very innocent and naiive when it comes to the real world, relationships, and social interactions. I often don't see the obvious in front of my nose. These have often been the deepest hurts. Amy says her friends haven't grown up yet. Maybe I'm even more childish than they are?
So when I got that response, I saw RED! I would blame it on the cold medicine that I wasn't thinking clearly, but I know that wasn't the only factor. When I got to work I e-mailed Amy from my work computer to her work e-mail that I wanted to know if she was seeing this guy. Since we have broken up, I've been sensitive to the fact that I intrude on her quite a bit with texts and calling and even though she says it's alright, I always wonder. Do I blame her for going out with someone? No. We are still broken up even though I would do anything to change that. Now, I've really put my foot into it. I will admit that I thought of e-mailing her yahoo e-mail, but she's told me how she has hundreds of e-mails on there and that she often doesn't get mine because it's deleted or buried. I know I should have talked to her personally, but I was so livid I couldn't think straight and writing always allows me to get my thoughts out clearer than I can talk. I should have just let it go, but I am paranoid about being too naive. I often don't see what's in front of me and when it get's spelled out that I totally missed what was happening, in the case of relationships often it's someone seeing someone else when I thought we were fine, I feel violated and hurt and angry. If she was seeing him, I just wanted closure. If they were just friends why is he picking up her phone? I know it's her phone, but doesn't she find that disturbing?Now Amy has told me that she has this friend that comes over quite regularly and it's just friends. However, she tells me that he comes in to her house when she's asleep. He comes at midnight. He's walked in on her just laying in bed. I find that rude and even more disturbing. Especially since she said he's 38. That's old enough to find manners.
I'm lousy at talking about things and that's how misunderstandings start. I know I've been jealous because of a number of factors.
1. She told me that she wouldn't even tell me where she lived because she didn't want things to be awkward for her son.
I can respect that. Although I wouldn't be asking to go to bed with her when her son was there and I sure wouldn't be there when he woke up in the morning unless we were committed and we had talked with him. However, she even told me that her son didn't know her friend and that he had slept over a number of times.
2. When we were dating she had too many commitments on her plate to be in a committed relationship and it wasn't fair to me.
I can respect not stringing me along. However, she and her son go fishing with her friend. She would go out with friends to the bar and even call me from there. When I asked about why she didn't invite me she told me it was because I wouldn't want to know her friends. I know she also spent a lot of time with her brothers family trying to straighten it out. I can understand her wanting time alone to do things with her son. Why would she want to take her son fishing with a friend that he didn't even know, but not do something (including fishing) with me?
3. She seems to be getting more distant every day.
Until this morning I didn't think I was that jealous. I know I was irritated that someone was interacting with her on a regular basis like I never could when we were dating. However, I just let it slide off of my back because she broke up with me. All I could think about this morning when her friend txt back was only someone comfortable and intimate (I don't mean just sex, but a relationship) with someone would dare to do that with someone elses phone. That was like a kick in the gut and shattered me.
As soon as I hit send at work I knew I had fucked up. I didn't need her reply to tell me. Then when she sent it back I tried to justify it and screwed it up even worse. Today was the second worse day I've ever had in this office (the first being the Monday after she broke up with me). The silence was deafening. I've thought I understood that phrase before, but today was a true eye opening. The roar of a woman scorned expressed in pure silence and indifference. It distracted me throughout the day. A hundred times I wanted to go in and say something, but I didn't. First I had already admitted I screwed up and repeating myself would only make her madder. Second I wanted to give her a chance to calm down. Third I didn't know what I would say and it would probably have come out whiny anyways. If I thought I had been in the right, I would have stood my ground and fought. But, I knew that while my reasons might have been right, my way of going about it was totally wrong.
So, am I sorry for asking what I did? No. Am I sorry for not waiting until I had calmed down and ask her directly if we could talk? Yes.
Needless to say I wanted to smoke in the worst way. However, I fought it off and did not smoke a single puff. I even resisted when I joined a group outside to talk and they all lit up.
This morning it was very hard not to rub one out. Amy was on my mind most of the night. Maybe that's part of what set me off this morning was the intrusion of another's presence when I had been thinking of her and me alone all night and all morning. Now I feel so rotten I couldn't perform if I wanted to.
While I'm well read, I'm very innocent and naiive when it comes to the real world, relationships, and social interactions. I often don't see the obvious in front of my nose. These have often been the deepest hurts. Amy says her friends haven't grown up yet. Maybe I'm even more childish than they are?