It's almost Christmas. Today is my mother's birthday. Thank God I remembered to call at least. Tomorrow I fly out to visit my family for the week.
Amy is going to Virginia with Cody to visit a friend of hers. I'm going to miss her terribly. I wish I could see her before I leave, but it doesn't look like that's going to happen. I'm glad she is taking time to get away from everything for a while. She's been under a lot of stress. I've contributed to it I'm sure. I don't mean to pester, but I feel lost when I can't talk to her at least once a day. I used to make fun of my friends when they would be in a relationship and were constantly in touch with their partner. Now I know how it feels. I don't mind that she lives her own life and does her own thing. I don't question what she's doing or where she's going (at least not consciously). However, I worry if we agree to talk and it doesn't happen. I start to imagine all sorts of wild and impossible tragic scenarios until we do talk.
When we do talk it invariably turns to sex. Since we haven't really had a chance to be intimate in a romantic sense I think the pressure is high right now. Oh yeah, also because I lust after her all of the time.
We do talk about other stuff which is a relief. Some of my more recent "involvements" have focused totally on sex and there were no other common elements except for some superficial ones (like we both worked at Disney, both grew up in Florida, etc.). I feel really comfortable talking with her. I feel like I can bring up anything with her. If the discussion turns to feelings, emotions, or sex she can relate. If it turns to cars, or camping, or outdoors she can relate too. I can honestly say she is the first person I've been with that I would want to go camping or to a Civil War Reenactment with. I wouldn't be afraid that she would get grossed out about not having a hair dryer or cooking over a fire. Likewise I could see her right there with me working on a car, a little spot of grease on her cheek. 
I had about a ten word conversation with Cody on the phone today (looking for Amy since we hadn't talked since 11 Saturday morning). While it was short, I got the impression that he didn't mind talking to me. I think I would have picked up on it if he was wishing I would go away and die and stopped bothering his mother. Do you think so?
I'm looking forward to the coming year. I really hope Amy and I can build what we have so far into something more. I'm excited about the prospects at work. I feel that I'm through the bulk of my "training" and I can start to spread my wings a bit and contribute more to the company. This year I should have at least two big bills off of my back and my financial future will be brighter.
Along with the new year is another year of age. I see more grey in my beard and hair. That's one reason why I trim my beard so much and why I have been getting my hair cut more frequently than I ever have before. I try not to let three weeks go without a haircut, but sometimes I'll let it go four. Before I'd go six or seven weeks and really be a mop head. If I was going bald I could handle it. I'd just shave it all off. The going grey part I'm not sure of. I'm not so vain as to dye it yet though.
Amy and I talked about children the other day. With Cody being 13 already I didn't know if she was settled with the idea. Before, the matter of my partner not wanting children was a deal breaker for me. While I might continue to go out with them for a while I couldn't commit. With Amy I entered this fully expecting for her to not want anymore children and I was fine with that. For some reason I didn't mind the idea of her not wanting anymore children not because I was settling, but because I want her and all I could do is be the best person I could for Cody. Maybe he could come to see me as a father figure if things develop between Amy and me. Back to our conversation, she told me that she wanted more children. I was ready to burst! I couldn't believe it. I had mentioned I wanted children before I think, but I hadn't made a big deal about it (I think). I didn't want to influence her or push her. I pushed my first wife and she told me what I wanted to hear until she got the ring on her finger and then changed her tune. I didn't want that to happen a second time. I can't think of anything more beautiful than Amy pregnant with our child. I imagine her pregnant and also carrying our infant/child and I ache with the thought. I also wonder if Cody would resent the newcomer. It would be bad enough that he might see me as taking her away from him, but with all of the time a newborn takes he could resent me and any child even more. I wouldn't do anything to come between her and Cody. They've gone through life like I could never imagine and are the stronger because they're together. Anyway, I'm getting ahead of myself. We have to have sex before there can be children and I'd prefer that the child was a conscous decision and not an accident (although I would charish the child either way).
It seems I'm always talking about Amy lately. Well, she's the focus of my life right now. I haven't felt so uncertain as to my next move or what she's thinking, or cared about it, in years. For the longest time I had a "whatever" attitude. If it worked out with my partner great, if not, oh well. Now I feel like I have something to lose. I don't think she sees me in the same depth at all. I try my best not to scare her with what I'm feeling. The one thing is that I know with her that once she ends it, it's over. There's no going back to try and change her mind. I think that more than anything has lead me to the point of paranoia. Anyways, I got my New Jersey license on Friday.
Amy is going to Virginia with Cody to visit a friend of hers. I'm going to miss her terribly. I wish I could see her before I leave, but it doesn't look like that's going to happen. I'm glad she is taking time to get away from everything for a while. She's been under a lot of stress. I've contributed to it I'm sure. I don't mean to pester, but I feel lost when I can't talk to her at least once a day. I used to make fun of my friends when they would be in a relationship and were constantly in touch with their partner. Now I know how it feels. I don't mind that she lives her own life and does her own thing. I don't question what she's doing or where she's going (at least not consciously). However, I worry if we agree to talk and it doesn't happen. I start to imagine all sorts of wild and impossible tragic scenarios until we do talk.
When we do talk it invariably turns to sex. Since we haven't really had a chance to be intimate in a romantic sense I think the pressure is high right now. Oh yeah, also because I lust after her all of the time.
We do talk about other stuff which is a relief. Some of my more recent "involvements" have focused totally on sex and there were no other common elements except for some superficial ones (like we both worked at Disney, both grew up in Florida, etc.). I feel really comfortable talking with her. I feel like I can bring up anything with her. If the discussion turns to feelings, emotions, or sex she can relate. If it turns to cars, or camping, or outdoors she can relate too. I can honestly say she is the first person I've been with that I would want to go camping or to a Civil War Reenactment with. I wouldn't be afraid that she would get grossed out about not having a hair dryer or cooking over a fire. Likewise I could see her right there with me working on a car, a little spot of grease on her cheek.
I had about a ten word conversation with Cody on the phone today (looking for Amy since we hadn't talked since 11 Saturday morning). While it was short, I got the impression that he didn't mind talking to me. I think I would have picked up on it if he was wishing I would go away and die and stopped bothering his mother. Do you think so?
I'm looking forward to the coming year. I really hope Amy and I can build what we have so far into something more. I'm excited about the prospects at work. I feel that I'm through the bulk of my "training" and I can start to spread my wings a bit and contribute more to the company. This year I should have at least two big bills off of my back and my financial future will be brighter.
Along with the new year is another year of age. I see more grey in my beard and hair. That's one reason why I trim my beard so much and why I have been getting my hair cut more frequently than I ever have before. I try not to let three weeks go without a haircut, but sometimes I'll let it go four. Before I'd go six or seven weeks and really be a mop head. If I was going bald I could handle it. I'd just shave it all off. The going grey part I'm not sure of. I'm not so vain as to dye it yet though.
Amy and I talked about children the other day. With Cody being 13 already I didn't know if she was settled with the idea. Before, the matter of my partner not wanting children was a deal breaker for me. While I might continue to go out with them for a while I couldn't commit. With Amy I entered this fully expecting for her to not want anymore children and I was fine with that. For some reason I didn't mind the idea of her not wanting anymore children not because I was settling, but because I want her and all I could do is be the best person I could for Cody. Maybe he could come to see me as a father figure if things develop between Amy and me. Back to our conversation, she told me that she wanted more children. I was ready to burst! I couldn't believe it. I had mentioned I wanted children before I think, but I hadn't made a big deal about it (I think). I didn't want to influence her or push her. I pushed my first wife and she told me what I wanted to hear until she got the ring on her finger and then changed her tune. I didn't want that to happen a second time. I can't think of anything more beautiful than Amy pregnant with our child. I imagine her pregnant and also carrying our infant/child and I ache with the thought. I also wonder if Cody would resent the newcomer. It would be bad enough that he might see me as taking her away from him, but with all of the time a newborn takes he could resent me and any child even more. I wouldn't do anything to come between her and Cody. They've gone through life like I could never imagine and are the stronger because they're together. Anyway, I'm getting ahead of myself. We have to have sex before there can be children and I'd prefer that the child was a conscous decision and not an accident (although I would charish the child either way).
It seems I'm always talking about Amy lately. Well, she's the focus of my life right now. I haven't felt so uncertain as to my next move or what she's thinking, or cared about it, in years. For the longest time I had a "whatever" attitude. If it worked out with my partner great, if not, oh well. Now I feel like I have something to lose. I don't think she sees me in the same depth at all. I try my best not to scare her with what I'm feeling. The one thing is that I know with her that once she ends it, it's over. There's no going back to try and change her mind. I think that more than anything has lead me to the point of paranoia. Anyways, I got my New Jersey license on Friday.