I'm not okay. I don't care about hiding it anymore. Hiding it from who? Your mom, thats who. I'm not okay, and there doesn't seem to be a thing I can do about it. I feel unloved and therefore worthless. I can't seem to attract anyone I'm attracted to. When I meet a girl, a special girl that I want to love me it becoves very important that she does, but she never does. She's so wonderful, comfortable, and turns me on, but I will never have her. The signs of a serious depression are on me. Its starting to hurt all the time. Oh, I know that no one is attracted to someone in my state. No one I'd wanna be with, anyway. Fucked if Ican do a damn thing about it though. I feel like shit, I feel worthless, I feel unattractive. I am only pointed in one direction though, keep trying to find a girlfriend. Where do I think I'm going? It hurts so much, and this girl Jenny is driving me up the fucking wall. She is so cute, and smart and nerdy, and SEXY and whoa! She's amazing. I've made this decision after knowing her for 3 days. 3 F*ING DAYS. What the fuck is the matter with me? Yeah, she is all those things, but I can only imagine what I look like from the outside right now. I'm in such a hurry to make something work. I need to be validated, I need to be loved. I hate that word, 'need'. I believe a need like that is always a self-destructive and unessisarily dependent behavior. How human can I be with that attitude? Do all people require some forms of external validation to remain happy? I wish I knew. Who can survive without love? Why do I feel unloved? Am I truly unloved or do I seek an unreasonable amount of reassurance? Please god somebody answer these fucking questions! So I meet a girls who's really good for me. Who's kind to me and engaging, flirty and suddenly she's the one, I have to have her or I might as well blow my head clean off. It sounds ludicrous, but it's the actual process I go through. 90% of the people who find this out never talk to me again. The next 7%, say a few kind words and then never talk to me again. The remaining 3% will never, ever have sex with me. I'm an interesting person, I'm accomplished, strong, and a very worthy mate. I have a humongous, mastadonic penis. I never get to use it! It's been 8 months. Now I'm not a shut in, and I am not unattractive. I am, however, very depressed. This madness is ruining my life. Jenny says in front of me, while I'm laying in her bed in the middle of the night that she has no choke reflex but I'm 98% sure she doesn't want to suck my cock (tonight is the night of precise, research based statistics and demographics). I'm fucking miserable, and I just want somebody to love me. I'm on my way out tonight. Into public, to drink alcohol until drunk. I will probably be act like a fool and lean on some stranger who will wish I will go away. I don't want to hurt myself, I still want to live, but I feel suicidal. It would be such a relief, ya know? I never say anything because I'm embarrassed by my helplessness. Convinced that anyone who would know the truth would instantly lose respect for me and tell a friend what a loser I am. I can't just tell anyone how I feel. At least no one will read this. 