In light of recent events and seeing blogs written by girls like @lolana and @liryc about What it has meant to them to be an SG, I've been inspired to write a blog about my own life and experiences as a SuicideGirl and with "SuicideGirls" the company. But to be honest, I would be writing this blog anyway because March 2015 is my 10 year anniversary on SG. :) and I've written a blog similar to this one almost every year that I've been on the site celebrating the positive impact it has on me and reflecting on everything that has happened to me as a result of taking the road less traveled..... and this year would have been no different. Well, except that this year I get to say WOW, IT'S BEEN 10 YEARS!
It's been exactly 10 years since a waitress first spoke the phrase, "I'm a SuicideGirl" to me while out at a bar in Columbus, Ohio, which in turn drove me directly home to google to "SuicideGirls" see exactly what this girl was talking about. 15 seconds later I had my first membership and even though I was 30 years old, and a middle school teacher, within minutes, I was dreaming of some day becoming a SuicideGirl myself. A few months later I went to the Blackheart Burlesque show and it was then I knew I really wanted to be involved with representing this badass brand.
The decision to model wasn't an easy one but the more time I spent on SG as a member the more I wanted to be a SuicideGirl. I struggled with wanting to do it but feeling like I couldn't for over a year. I'm sure I'm not alone in this. It's hard to explain why all we do SuicideGirls. It's not because we need validation or have bad dads or because we're sluts. It's not because we need the money or get any sort of fame from it. For me I guess, It's something about being uncomfortable with certain parts of yourself for your whole life...because someone in your life told you they were wrong...or off....like your legs are too big or you're too short or you're too thin or you're too dark skinned or too pale and now you are standing up with a sisterhood of other woman who have all been treated the same way and saying we've all got something different and we are all beautiful for our differences. When you've been ashamed for your breast to show, or to be seen naked in the locker room or your own yard, there is something about taking everything off, on your own and putting it out there intentionally and in a way that makes you feel beautiful that is very empowering. You remove the power for someone else to expose you
And to be able do this as part of a badass platform like SuicideGirls with a lineup of amazing beautiful women before you and around you creating a sisterhood of strong women, women who for one reason or another chose to "do it". Women who attempt to redefine beauty and to redefine society's right to tell us how to feel about our bodies.
After shooting my first set, I fell in love with everything about the experience, and with concept of SuicideGirls. I loved the idea of being part of a movement that I thought would change the world. I was tired of being told I couldn't be truthful with my students about politics and the world......and although I was a school teacher when I shot my first set, within a few years I resigned from teaching and decided to make working in the tattoo/photography/journalism industry my profession.
I met @Alissa in 2006 right after I went pink and within a month of meeting the two of us started hanging out every day shooting 3 new girls a week. Between 2006-2009 Alissa and I probably met and shot over 350 new girls for SG. We got so busy and SG started growing so much that in 2009 I decided to stop modeling and starting shooting on my own and in 2013, I became a SuicideGirls staff photographer myself.
I have made SuicideGirls my life over the past 10 years. I have met literally thousands of girls participating in multiple shootfests in Las Vegas, San Francisco, NYC, Columbus, OH. I started throwing SG parties, and was soon hired to coordinate tattoo convention booths. Next, SG hired me to drive and pick up all of the girls from the airport when they flew in for The SuicideGirls Guide To Living in Las Vegas. We all got to stay at The Hard Rock Hotel in Las Vegas and we got to eat free at the employee dining room 24/7...I made some of my best friends that week and had the opportunity to work with and meet some of the most awesome girls from all over the world, some of them have become my best friends.
<3 @sawa @luscious
I have attended countess tattoo conventions and events on SGs behalf
Like Hell City
and the High Times Cannabis Cup 7 times representing SG with 7 SGs and SG hopefuls each time.
Along with being a liberating, empowering experience, SuicideGirls is also a network of alternative girls who travel and welcome each other into each other's homes to support each other's travel dreams. I have driven cross country from NY to California 8 times in the past 5 years, stopping along the way to stay with SuicideGirls in every city. Sometimes with girls I have met at a shootfest or convention and sometimes with girls that I am just meeting for the first time on the road.
In 2013, I was on yet another road trip up in Portland and Seattle attending the burlesque shows and visiting with the girls up there...
and a few days later I got a text from @Sean asking me if I could drop everything and go fly out to help the tour manager as tour assistant on the Blackheart Burlesque tour the next day. I couldn't believe it. I had done a lot of jobs for SG like conventions and merch booths and model coordinating at shootfests but never anything this big. I was worried that I would fuck it up, but @Sean assured me that I only needed to go do my best and everything would work out and that @missy and the girls would support me from LA.
On the road my job was to make sure the dancers were taken care of and happy and safe. Which can be an interesting challenge on the road :)
Things turned out better than I thought they ever could and after the 2013 tour was over, SG asked me to tour manage again in Australia a few months later. I got to go to Australia for 3weeks and travel all over the continent. I have traveled a lot in my life but this was the first time I had ever been to Australia. It was one of the best experiences of my life.
One of the coolest parts of getting to go to Australia was getting to know Missy on a personal level. Before that I had met her a few times but in Australia we became close friends and I got to see how much she cares about the girls...it was pretty rad and really changed my perspective on SG. I also got to know Jennings that week as well, who is from my home town in NY but we had never met before.
After we got back from Australia, SG asked me to do the fall 2014 which was also a success and I spent another 8 weeks on the road with the girls. In 2015 I will be tour managing the Canada tour, Denver 420, and the US fall tour and I am also working in the SG office to help book future tours.
I am truly living my dream working for a company that I believe in.
Honestly, I feel like SuicideGirls is even more than a movement about alternative beauty, it is also a way to connect people who are part of the counter culture all over the world to each other. I meet people from all over the US and the world who are open about ideas and accepting of other races and cultures that I would never meet if it were not for SG.
While I am staying busy doing all of these things for SG, I am also growing my own photography businesses Powder Puff Pinups and 420 Pinups. I am so grateful to work for a company that supports me building my own dream while I am growing theirs and working for them.
Yes, there have been times over the 10 years that I felt frustrated because I felt like my hard work wasn't being featured on the front page either as a model or now as a photographer... @stingit <3
something I put my heart and creativity into was overlooked, ....or I starting to wonder if it was getting to be too hard to stand out with 2000 models. But then I always remember all of the opportunities and positive things that have come from my affiliation with SG. I remember that at the end of the day, the set that isn't purchased is mine to use for other projects and could be my next book cover. I remember that I have had prints bought simply because a fan sees them on SG even if the set isn't bought. I remember the friendships I've made and the events I've attended, and literally the dream life that SG has brought me is what it's all about. Am I over the moon when art that I create is featured. Hell Yes.
But most of all, I remember that at the end of the day the point of SG, for me is about spreading the message of empowerment, about meeting other young women who are just finding their confidence and showing them how to embrace their flaws and to feel beautiful. How to stand up for diversity. It's about the sisterhood and the being part of the global network of girls who have all put ourselves out there. It's about the hopefuls that I shoot that I can SEE how I've changed their life by telling them that the thing they thought was a 'flaw' that they have fixated on for their whole life will be celebrated on SG. @owsley_
All supported by the history of SGs before them and the ones still keeping it going today.
When I joined in 2005 @apnea had just left and there was talk that without her SG couldn't survive...... But girls like @Quinne, @Reagan @Casper @stormy @amina and @sawa stole my heart. As I became more involved with SuicideGirls, more and more of the girls that I was close friends with like @bully @rambo @sash @tovi @luscious became the girls that were celebrated. Soon the new girls I was helping to shoot their first set were rising to popularity @radeo @patton @damsel @phecda @lolana all came to Ohio to shoot their first sets for SG with Alissa and I. Today new ladies are starting to take the spotlight @arwen @corraline @marajade @fishball . And I hope to be shooting photos of girls who will fill those shoes next.
My point is.... The girls who are the "quintessential SGs" are different to everyone. And people who are here to stay will learn that SG is not about one girl, it is about a family, a movement. Some girls will become popular. Some will have their life changed by being discovered for a movie role. Some will meet their best friends. What will happen to you? Will you become a @katherine that is able to remain a constant hit? Will you meet your best friend or husband wife or change your career because of SG? Will your life change because you decide to attend events and social network with this amazing group?
@casper
My advice to everyone out there on the SG road or just starting the journey......the trick is to make sure that you always keep a healthy perspective and are doing it for the right reasons. Just like in any aspect of life, if you are doing it for yourself and you approach it from the perspective of gratitude for the things that it does bring you, you will never feel like something isn't enough...and your gratitude will only make the positive outcomes grow. Don't define yourself or base your worth on whether a set is bought or what the comments you receive say....KNOW your worth when you submit your set. Do it for the empowerment not the validation. Shoot sets for the love the art and creativity and to put yourself out there and be part of the movement and the sisterhood. Let that be enough, and the rest will all be what you make of it. Stay humble and have fun.
Try to remember that every person on the site, if given the chance to choose, would all choose different sets to feature on the fp.....we all have different ideas about what beauty is, what redefines it, and which girls personality makes them more deserving. And that the 2 people who have created this website, @Missy and @Sean are trying hard to run their business while keeping a community happy all while their decisions will define a revolution they've started..... Maybe I've just gotten close enough to have seen that SuicideGirls is just 2 people and the employees who are lucky enough to help them.....who really do care, trying their best to make everyone happy. And that's about all.
It's been 10 years for me. Lots of sets, lots of new girls, lots of dreams made, lots of art created, lots of travels, lots of fun....the best friends I could ask for and now a dream job. SuicideGirls has changed my life and connected me to the coolest people. In the 10 years I have been here SuicideGirls has changed the world we live in. I'm so grateful to be a part of it all. And I can't wait to see what the future holds.
@rowdi
I hope that this blog gives someone (whether a member or a hopeful or an existing SG) the confidence to make their own decisions about whether or not SG is the right place for them and if they want to take this journey and have this experience.
<3
xoxoxo
Sunshine
