suicidal_george

Just i suspected. Nobody reads this except for those folks in the purple comments. Well here's some stuff that's meandering and disjointed because a lot of crap has been happening and it's too late to get it all out coherently.

I almost killed two of my best friends. Food poisoning to be brief. I thought i would have to kill myself out of shame, but they seem fine now. I actually got down and thanked the Big It for every shitty thing that has happened to me if it meant that my friends survived. Um, i guess it's hard to explain profound gratitude for blind luck.

Speaking of the B.I., I saw it the other day somewhere between dream and awake. Hypnogogic, can you dig? Black as anything but you could still see in it and when you looked into it you could percieve capital E-verything moving about in it. And after gazing into for a while you just see yourself reflected on it and you get the overwhelming sense of being judged. It made me think of nietzche.

I feel like another friend of mine has been shirking me. I don't know what to make of that. People have busy lives and such, but what to think when 'i miss you' is met with 'i need to wash my hair'? Or 'i need your help' is answered with the chirp of crickets? I can't say i'm innocent of that. It's been a while since i've talked to ms_kity on the phone (i'm a bastard, babe) and i really hate going to st smellin's so i feel like i've been doin my own share of shirking. That guy ain't still fucking with you is he, mk? I'll strap that fucker to a boulder and let vultures eat he's liver. I'll get mythological on his ass!

Another friend of mine has taken a bad turn. In a round about way, i had something to do with it. Or nothing to do with it, because if i had been there it wouldn't have happened. She invited me to her party and i had been looking foward to it for weeks because she is seriously fucking cool and i barely get to see her because she is so busy all the time. Anyway, I get there and she's busy with setting things up still and I look around but there's not to many people for me to hang with. The folks I do know are kind of doing there own thing with others and I never feel very comfortable intruding into existing groups. So i get some booze, eat some cheese and say my howya doin's; then i fetch my guitar and sit on the back porch and start to play. I just start my own little groups, because a girl comes over and sings to my songs and then some others come by and then next thing you know there's three guitars going and a pretty solid throng. But i can only take so many weezer covers so I let someone play my guitar while i wander off for more booze and cheeze. Well there was a blond kid in that group that was really pissing me off too. An arrogant disrespectful blind asshole. I assumed i hated him because he reminded me of me, but i wanted to punch the little fucker in the face from the get go. I didn't like the way he treated his girlfriend either and i really didn't want him to handle my guitar because i could just tell, ya know. So i'm eating cheese and looking at the stars and i glance over and i realize that he had stuck his ciggerette in the tuning pegs of my guitar because he had just removed it when i looked over. I start walking over, but i'm close enough that i can see he didn't do any harm to my guitar beyond the sheer disrespect of the act. But now i'm watching him for any fuck-up so i can go let my temper loose on him and to make sure the fellow playing my guitar doesn't let him have it. Twice I started walking over, but twice it was a false alarm so i just took my guitar back after the other guy had finished his weezer song and i took it inside so i could have a time out. Fuck this is a long story there's more but here's the lowdown. Alcohol no worky, my mood is murderously black. Girls should just not touch me. Don't hug me don't hold my hand. I'm broken, i'm not going to understand. So i ninja out w/o a goodbye. Just after I leave the bad vibe my spider sense was picking up on breaks out into an orgy. The bad kind. Blond boy beats his girlfriend in the driveway. My friends ex knocks her down the stairs and she get fucked up pretty bad. The one time THE ONE TIME my viscious temper would have been helpful i disappear because of one touch in conjunction with one off-hand comment made me disregard my spider sense and i went home to be all mopey like a bitch. Blond boy would have got his comuppance, the hostess wouldn't have been disrespected by shitbags and my friend wouldn't have been half crippled by a clutz while she's trying to get assholes out of her basement. I feel guilty because I KNEW something was up, but i was too wrapped up in my own drama-trauma to pay attention. So once again my friends get hurt by my negligence.

Speaking of friends. Watch Sin City. I fucking love that movie. It's the ultimate buddy movie. It's time to prove to your friends that you're worth a damn. Sometimes that means dying. Sometimes it means killing a whole lot of people. I don't know, it seems applicable. I saw it when i was out visiting at a friends ranch. I didn't committ any fuckups there, but i did get dysentery or something. Played a bunch of video games too, it was a full on dork fest just like old times. Plus i played dance dance revolution with his little sister and i must confess that now i want my own setup so i can DDR like a motherfucker. It probably won't do well in my new apartment for my downstairs neighbors though. The last couple of weekends I've been house hunting by walking all over neighborhoods and writing down everyplace that I thought would be cool to live. This is the place i'll be moving into in a couple of weeks. It's the one on top with the balcony...

Let's see, let's see... guitar is still going good. People usually seem to compliment my playing but my singing get's everything from beautiful (fucking liars) to 'it pains my musical ears' (sheesh!). My baby has developed a problem though and i took her to the guitar doctor and she's under warranty! Woo-who, martin! The guy is going reslot the saddle in about a week and I even got a little strap button put on so I can now play while standing up. Oh yeah, EGACD is not a guitar tuning, it's 'everyone get's a comment day'! Which is not today.

Shit it's after four now. I'll have to save the nonsense about love and the moon for some other day...