sugarfish

Man, I've been up all night. Slept all day yesterday, then went to a party last night and got home at 4AM. Now it's 10AM and I'm still up! Vampire hours. I started trying to write a journal entry here a couple of nights ago, and somehow it turned into a really in-depth review of Spike Lee's Bamboozled. When I got home from the party, I got back to writing it. I've been watching it over and over on DVD. God Bless Netflix! Even if they did just raise their prices, the fuckers.

Bamboozled is a brilliant film, and, I think, a really important one. I think it does have a few flaws in it, but they're probably not what you think I think, so don't think. Maybe later I'll post that review somewhere, and I'll link you to it. Shit. The way I've been writing this review, you'd think I was back in film school, only this time I really cared about my homework. Well, whatever.

I never liked school. Never liked the pressure of homework and tests and deadlines. When it was something I cared about, like acting, astronomy or photography, I'd get really involved, wouldn't need to do homework -- I just devoured the stuff. Mostly. Sometimes, often even, I'd lose interest and just give up, hating the pressure of homework and tests and deadlines. And I know it isn't ADD -- I actually went and got myself tested for that once. Somehow, at some early point in my life, I got the idea that "discipline" was a bad word, that it actually meant something more along the lines of "submission." That to do homework -- to develop skills and strength through repetition, and knowledge through critical analysis -- was actually to accept a slave-driver's whip. To this day I lack discipline in all things because of that misconception. It's a hard misconception to shake.

So not much has been happening with me, and that's why I haven't posted or responded swiftly to posts in my journal or even been on AIM -- I've been in hiding, embarrassed to admit to my hermitudinosity. As bowls filled with water to remove the crusted remains of Chef Boyardee products collect in my kitchen sink, they mark the passing of clumps of hours. Oh sure, stuff's been happening... I acted in another IBM ad for the near-psychotic and infamous Joe Pytka a couple of days ago, and it went really well. I've been getting a painting I commissioned framed and fixing busted wires and going through huge piles of paper, organizing them. Got new headshots taken and finally took them to my commercial agency. Going to get a few more taken on Monday. Bought myself some clothes at The Gap. Seen some shows. But mostly I've been watching the same Netflixed movies over and over, playing a really low-fi computer game called "Pipes" over and over, and sleeping a hell of a lot.

Now I find that I'm writing. This is a good thing. Even if it's just journal entries and an obsessively long review of Bamboozled. I'm hoping I can keep doing it, and not start seeing it as an oppressive chore, like homework.

Hung out with some actors a couple of nights ago after seeing their show in a small theater. A lot of these guys do stand-up. And I like these guys, but I get to feeling really insecure around them. I've always avoided doing stand-up. I've never done it. I've always been too afraid. The highs are just so high, and the lows are just soooooo low. And I'm not really very good at handling really low lows. Instead of learning from them, I generally take them as proof that I should probably kill myself. (Don't worry, that isn't going to happen, I'm in good hands.)

And then there's stand-up comedians. I generally find them to be an incredibly tiresome bunch. They really try to dominate all conversations, so you get a room full of them and their insecurities drive them to be really obnoxious and overbearing. I don't ever want to be like that, and hate it when I am like that. And I know it would be a great vehicle for my acting career, but I fucking hate television and don't want to act in some stupid fucking sitcom -- I hate myself enough as it is for acting in commercials -- and stand-up is more of a way to break into commercial television than film. And why the hell would I want to live in hotel rooms and try to entertain hostile crowds, especially in parts of The Country that just rub me the wrong way, like -- like -- like most of it? Why expose all of my insecurities and weaknesses in public, like so much dirty laundry? REAL MEN DON'T SHOW THEIR FEELINGS, DAMNIT! RIGHT?

Well, hell. It might actually be a way to learn and grow. Develop material for writing. Improve as an actor, improviser, entertainer and possibly educator. I'm re-watching this scene from Bamboozled with Paul Mooney in it, right now. Actually, the scene is paused, and Mooney is in the middle of a comic routine. And he really is telling it like he sees it, not just trying to get laughs -- though he is trying to get them and is getting them, too -- and it's entertaining as hell. A comic can rant, and I like ranting about the shit that I care about. Maybe I can get over my currently-held beliefs about stand-up comedy and go do some comic truth-telling shit. Maybe. Well, I put it on my list of things to do, so it will eventually happen. I just don't want to become one of those boors who rants offstage as well and tries to or (worse) succeeds at dominating conversation. I find myself trying to do that (or worse, succeeding at it). I fucking hate that. If I'm going to use stand-up as a tool, I've got to re-name it, make it just my own thing, do what I've seen others do really well that isn't just about trying to get a new laugh every few seconds. Something I don't miss at all about TV is stand-up comedy shows on Comedy Central and other channels. I DON'T NEED A FUCKING AUDIENCE REACTION SHOT TO TELL ME THAT THE LAST JOKE WAS FUNNY OR NOT! Few things piss me off more than audience reaction shots.

Well, let me leave you on a note of love, and end this rant. Cuz who the hell wants to read a journal entry that's this long, anyway, especially one that focusses on hatred? So here's your note of love...