substitute

I've decided to start smoking crack.

Lots of crack. Enough crack that I'll look like the white, male Whitney Houston.

Besides, how bad can crack be, really? It's just a little bit of cocaine and a lot of baking soda. It's cheap! Heck, if you light up with a Zippo, your Zippo likely cost more than your high will.

I really see no downside to this.