sublyminull

no matter how much you fight it change will always come. no matter how much you ignore it, it will be there. like the titanic sitting in the back of your mind slowly sinking into your everyday life. but, when do you realize you have changed and when do you start becoming ok with it. I rule my life, I make my decisions, I make my way, I cause all the faults, I cause all the happiness. For I am the owner of my own domain. Or so i thought, maybe i am. why do i not feel like it. why do i feel like there is some big hand pushing me one way as i drag my feet and wait for my chance to run the other way. why do i wait? is it because I always think 10 steps ahead. This wonderful plague of my mind that makes it race when i should be settling down to sleep. why is it i only feel free when i'm tired. all my inspiration comes when i can barely keep my eyes open and i can never get these images out of my head. All my best work is never complete because i can't do it while i sleep. in a world of debt i'm doing my part to keep america going. raised by TV to believe i need everything shiny. taught by my morals to stay true to myself. The happy medium is a world where i have money but i can't spend it. where is the art in that. where is the personal well being. why are we led to believe we can't live without the money, with out all the electronics we have today. what did they do in the old days when it took 6 days to travel 300 miles. when you had to write a letter to communicate far away and just hope it got there within 6 months. what did we as a people do back then? ok. since i'm in the mood of writing i suppose i could get a few things off my chest. first. i will post this on my blog because if you want to know me then you have to know these few things. first off my head is always going 900 miles and hour so i'm constantly thinking and always bouncing from subject to subject in my head. and when i get into a writing complex like now i tend to do that. second when i'm writing fast i don't care about punctuation. feel free to correct me but i really don't care. third. i'm not writing out of a plea for help as i don't need it. i will be ok. alright the story of derrek. we will touch on some key concepts of human life. first love: as this is one of the most important feelings because it lets you feel like you belong to something. a relationship is an organic, breathing and bleeding involvment of two human bodies and minds. my past expiriences with love: i fell in love (what i considered to be love) when i was 15. I dated this girl on and off for 4 years. she was not good for me. lost my virginity to her and 5 days later she cheated on me. i didn't find out about until like 5 months afterwards but still the same. this girl cheated on my non stop for 4 years on and off. but i'm an idiot and kept going back. when we were 16 she cheated on me and got pregnant. after the baby was born i still took her back and treated her son like my own. silly me. i finally wised up a bit when i turned 18 and decided to test her out a bit and make sure she wasn't the one for me. but she wasn't and this girl is the only girl that i ever cheated on. because i caught her in her apartment having sex with 6 guys. i tried to cheat on her in the parking lot in front of her apartment. ok i guess i DID cheat on her but i still felt hella bad. which was wierd. why did i fell bad for getting a blowjob WHILE she was fucking 6 guys? ok enough of her. lets move onto the only other time i thought i was in love. here comes T we will call her T because her name starts with a T. T was a cool girl when i met her. she was dating a guy i knew but they broke up. with his permission i started dating her. it was not love at first sight it was supposed to be a fun dating situation that turned into me and her spending every waking moment together. she was a lot of fun in the begining. me and my friend got an apartment and a couple months later i moved her in. although none of my friends liked her i wanted to stay with her and was waiting to propose to her (i have a 1 year rule we must be together for 1 year or damn close to it) i was trying to better my life so i could better both of our lives. I applied at sprint. like 8 times. finally got a job. but, i had to work midnights on the weekends. 4 - 10's thursday thru monday. all night long. no biggie right. 3 days off to spend with my girl not bad for a corporate gig. so i start working and all of a sudden when i call her i can't get ahold of her. wierd. but i know she with my friends because every weekend we would party together. ok. so i get off work one morning and go to my friends house because i know she is there. i call her phone and no answer. yet her car is in the parking lot. so i walk up to his porch. silly her. he left his window open i called her again. she rolls over to the phone and shuts it off. so i peek into the window. (remember this is my friend one who i considered to be a good friend) when i peek into the window there he and she are cuddled up. ok ok ok. in my head hey whats the big deal right because he is my friend. just cause they are cuddled doesn't mean shit. i have cuddled friends before with no sex, kissing or ill will. so i let it go. a couple weeks later she is house sitting for her parents (oh btw i had moved her out of my apartment for something similar a month earlier). ok back to it. she has a party at her parents house. when i get off work i drop by in the morning to say hi. all the doors are locked. but her younger brother is out back and lets me in. i walk inside stepping over familiar faces that are sleeping on the floor and hallway. i want back to her parents room and there she and my friend are he is half naked and they are sleeping. it's a wonder what goes through your head and how you react when you see your friend and your girl in the same bed. so i gently wake her up and ask to to come out to the kitchen to tell her goodbye. apparently she decided to have a 3 some in the shower with a couple of my friends. but was nice enough to write me a letter apologizing and she gave it to. awww. sweet letters. so nice right? bwahaha. no.. so that was the end of that. be it. i have 3 best friends at this time. mark, emily and sarah N. as i get in my car and make my way home. i get a text from sarah N "i have decided to listen to my boyfriend and never talk to you again i'm sorry". ok. i just had a helluva morning and now one of my best friends is not talking to me anymore because of her crazy boyfriend. and then i remember that my friend emily is leaving for the airport in a couple hours to move to florida because she is starting college down there. fucking great. i lost my girl, and two of my best friends in a matter of 4 hours. alright i can make it through this because thats how i am. but i still have mark.... alright i'm going to go smoke and then come back and we will cover friendship. ok i'm back from smoking. it's chilly outside not terribly cold yet. i'm not a huge fan of the winter but it is nice when it snows sometimes. it feels like natures way of getting rid of all the bullshit that happens during the summer and starting fresh. ok. friendship. my old 3 best friends. emily: she is like me. seriously a derrek without a penis outgoing fun and creative. we have been best friends since i was like 14 and she has been there for me ever since. people think we are getting married. which is not going to happen at least i'm pretty sure it's not going to happen lol. mostly because she lives so far away oh and another thing we aren't dating therefore no marriage. emily went to a 4 year school for graphic design she graduated and has a kick ass job. Mark: he is my best friend thats a guy down to do anything and we used to smoke alot of weed together we progressed through life together and i did what i could to keep him out of trouble he did what he could to keep me out of trouble we were tight like that. he moved to florida with my family (thats how close we were that he actually MOVED with MY family to another state) he is clean now and has a girl and a baby on the way we hardly ever talk anymore which sucks. Sarah C: she became my best friend when emily moved to florida for school emily was her best friend and mine. so it only made sense that we became friends. sarah is a girl who is not like me she likes things to be orderly and nice and she is about to get married to a guy who just graduated from engineering schoool. he is a cool cat and smart as fuck. but they are about to buy a house together and i'll probably not see her nearly as much now. my uncle who is like my older brother is moving back next weekend from florida that is going to be super cool because is he only 4 years older then me and we can party together. he is the only person i have partied with that can drink from 8pm to 11am the next morning like me. Tequilla and rum FTW hangovers FTL. but we have fun and he is always down to do something. but he has two kids and a girlfriend so we can only do stuff at his house unless he has a sitter and isn't fighting with the girl. ok... so onto money. i dont talk about how much money i make. because i don't like feeling like i'm rubbing it in. bleh money is always a touchy subject like religion and politics. so we'll go with this. i make enough money to support myself and possibly someone else. the only downside is. i'm terrible with money. probably because my father is also terrible with money. so i have bought a house about 2 years ago. i thought it was a move in the right direction but i must say i miss renting. i can't leave this place to get back on my feet. i am behind on utility bills and have a couple expenses on my credit right now that i can't pay back yet. my car payment is outrageous that combined with all my other bills leaves me just enough money for gas and cigs. yet i still buy things all the time. because i'm an idiot. so.. in short. derrek is an idiot who has been burned hard in the heart, has no friends, and is broke. i would write more but i need to get back to work. so now i have to e-mail this whole thing from my work computer to my phone so i can post it up. wish me luck.

--Derrek