stuzzy

Just got back from waffle hosue where I had the chicken and eggs. I wasn't very hungry and I didn't finish my meal. I seem to do that a lot not finishing my meals. I wonder if my stomach is just small or something or maybe I just don't like eating. I mean I know I 'm not a big fan of eating but you you gotta do it right? So what the fuck right? I don't get it. Anyway so now I'm sitting here listening to music writing shit in this little online diary I have on a semi porn site. What am I doing here anyway what did I hope to find here? How did I get here? Am I supposed to be here? Where am I supposed to be? What is the meaning of it all? Why why why. I ask too many questions I'm always so curious I always have to know how things work. How things fit together and move in perfect harmony. Like planes I love planes. PLanes are great. Isn't it a miracle of human ingenuity that we can make thousands of pounds of metal fly through the air so effortlessly. Have you ever really looked at a plane closely? It looks so big and solid but it's really just a bunch of little parts held together while you fly through the air. You know they have triple redundacy on the systems? That's some badass shit. Anywway where was I? I'm not sure myself. I'm just typing the thoughts as soon as they pop in my head yeah i know i'm a fast typer (sort of) but entirely self taught yay me right ? right ? right? damn skippy yo. So yeah Ineed to get to bed soon but i think maybe I'll smoke one more cigarette you know it occurs to me there should be a paragraph break somewhere in here but fuck it who cares really sorry if this is hard on your eyes....deal. I need to replace my front brakes this weekend. Something about working on your own car is therpeutic. I'm not sure why but it is. I tend to like mechanical things because they always make sense. They have physics that they have to abide by people are so much harder to deal with have you ever thought of being a mountain man? I have. Sometimes I think it would be cool to live up in the mountains away from everybody but then i would have to hunt and kill my own food and grow a garden or some shit. I mean i guess i would have the time living all by myself and not having a job or anything but still i've never been a big fan of killing things. Except bugs i don't really like bugs. Would i need a job if i was a mountain man? Maybe I could be like a river guide or something provided there was a river nearby. Or maybe some mountain guide type guy and i'd be really gruff and rude with my customers but they would still pay me and later they would have an interesting story to tell about the gruff rude man who lives in the mountains making a living as a guide. At one point in my life I aspired to be a bum simply so I could avoid all responsibility. Yeah that phase didn't last very long I was young. Ah yes a beautiful mistakes. How many beautiful mistakes have you made in your life? How many times have you been at the cusp looking at the abyss knowing that this is a moment that can change your life forever? I'm not sure I have ever. How many chances do you take with your life? Are they worth it? When opportunity knocks are you there by the door waiting or chilling by the tv with a brew. Where has all the xcitement gone in life these days. Sometimes I feel like we're all robots running around doing our pre programmed instructions and I guess in sense we really are. We're just little fragile decision making machines running around impacting the lives of others in so many ways we can't begin to count. I quit smoking pot the other day I finally ran out I'm wondering if my alcohol intake will increase becasue of it. I've never been a big drinker you know. Always preferred the herb. Why's it got to be illegal anyway man? It's not so bad. Hell of a lot safer than alcohol. Ahh well goddamn purtianical society. WHere am I? Have I lost myself again? CAn you find me? Am I in the picture like some bastardised Waldo with a goof fucking hat and a scruffy looking face like some dog you rescued from the ound on a saturday afternoon in the middle of autumn when the leaves are so beautiful it makes you want to look at them forever. Oh god did i just liken myself to a dog i can't believe i did that. Anyway. I think this entry is getting pretty long. Will you read it all? Why will you read it all? I'm not that interesting really I'm just a guy you know. A kind of fucked up guy at that. I got issues man. Issues! I guess everyone does to some degree and mine are pretty small compared to some. Hey you wanna know what my issues are? HAaha forget it I'm not telling you, stranger on the internet. You must wonder in silence all the way out in california or montana or wherever the fuck you are living. You ever wonder if you will spend your life alone? I wonder sometimes. I used to be fairly gloomy about it. Still kind of am i try to be optimistic. You know everybody dies alone right? Going through the motions going through the motions acting like a robot doing the things I'm programmed to do but who programmed me? Where did my instructions come from? Ah yes the childhood of course so i guess i was programmed by my parents. Well isn't that just swell. Well you know you got to make do with what you got. You know there are some folks out there who really think i'm a neat person and sometimes i wonder why exactly they think that. Other times I know exactly why they think that but sometimes I feel like such a mess it's not even funny are you still reading this? Damn. You must be a glutton for punishment or something or somethin g or something yes I know i just repeated myself three times leave me alone ok? I have issues! So I read some hunter thompson and i just gotta say i don't rweally see what the big deal is you know? I mean yeah it's ok and shit but it just doesn't seem all that spectacular to me. Now Mark Twain....there's a writer. Oh god sometiems what i feel is so strong i want to rip it out of me and be done with it. It would be nice to be like mr spock and have no emotions at all and yet at the same time it occurs to me that maybe emotions are what makes life worth living. To be happy, sad, angry, all of those things maybe that's what makes life interesting and keeps us on our toes i mean who knows really right? Some people i guess think god or whatever made us and he had a master plan but damn that means you stop asking questions and i cannot for the life of me fathom why anyone would ever want to stop asking questions wanting to know why, where, what? forever and ever. There is always more knowledge out there to grasp to hold inside of you. To discover, to explore why would anyone give that up so they could take what little measure of security they could get in this cruel cruel cruel world we live in. Ahh I guess becasue it is a cruel world that would be why but you know there is not such thing as security right? It's a myth. It doesn't exist in nature or in the world of man. Safety is an illusion> Avoiding dange is no safer in the long run than outright exposure. Life is either a daring advenutre or nothing so why do people spend so much time being scared? fear is the mind killer. What kind of world have we made where people grow up being scared and driven by fear?
By the way I gotta give credit to helen keller for the thoughts on safety. What a smart woman and damn so courageous. You know she was a communist. I am a fountain of useless information put me to use use me like a brittanica encyclopedia ok yeah i don't know that much but i did used to be pretty good at beatles trivia. Ever feel like you were born with a kick me sign permanently taped to your back? Why why why shit man I don't know don't ask me just take off with that crazy question asking skinny self of yours. Hmm I wonder just how long of a journal entry I can write here. I wonder. I love you all people. Even the conservatives you're just lost in the woods my friends beleive in the good in people. Is there anything good that you can do that is better than helping someone? It's the only thing I have faith in you know, the good in people. I believe it exists in even the most blackest of hearts is that so wrong? does that make me a bleeding heart liberal? Help people. Do good things. When was the last time you did something good for someone anyway. Sometimes I imagine my life would be more fullfilling helping poeple or doing something I can be proud of besides just fixing shit working on inanimate objects. Inanimate objects don't thank you or remember how they helped you out or smile at you or anything they just sit there humming along until they require attention again and then they take it and give nothing in return. Damn you soullless unresponsive, impersonal machines! Ok I'm kidding around there I'm not really talking to machines. You know I'm not crazy like that...Really I swear. I imagine you 'll think I'm crazy after reading all of this but you know it's just an experiment of sorts for me to sit at the keyboard and type everything that crosees my mind. Ok so it's not everything I 'm still holding back but I have to because I have secrets Shhh don't tell anyone they'll want to know what they are and they will say that they won't tell anyone but they will. Yes they will. Unless you find a really good friend. They won't tell anyone. Well they might but then that would hurt because they betrayed your trust ok I am really just rambling on now I'm not sure there is a point to this anymore or even if there was at the beginning. Ok one more cigarette as a listen to this beautiful music running through my speakers making my body feel things. How does music make you feel so much. I'm sure there's been studies done. I need to look that shit up and read about it. God I love the internet. What a treasyure trove of infornmation. I love the smell of old books. You like books? I love books. A lot of the times when I find something interesting to read on the internet i print it out so i can read it off paper. There is something about having it in your hand. But books...ahh yess the smell of books. God you put me in a bookstore and I can be occupied for hours on end. I like history. Love history. Not sure why or where i picked it up but i always did very well in history class and i never even tried that hard. Oh the beautiful mistakes we make so beautiful and lovely. Oh the sweetness of life fill me with your awe and wonder. Make me proud and strong and knowledgable. SO many times I want to open myself up to everyone and let them see the world the way i see it. SO beautiful and tragic. We are but little creatures. So small yet so big in so many ways how beautiful we all are. I'm sorry for all the mispelled words. You know i am going to wake up tomorrow and freak about this journal entry and be like holy fuck did i write all that shit these people are going to think i'm a freak but shit that's life. Oh the bliss, how could I resist. How could I? Don't fear...Do I trouble you? Does that worry you? Didn't mean to worry you. Goodnight people. Be good.