As many of you know, and as most of you probably don't, winter is a really hard time for me. This blog is full of real feels, because sometimes I feel like I'm not honest enough with you guys about my life. So I want to open up a bit more:
This is Alex Jayy, he was my best friend in the entire world! I took this photo of him in our grade 12 year of high school. This was the year we met each other. I signed on to help with this Macbeth film adaptation my English Teacher was putting on, and I wanted to be AD. He wanted to act in the film. Without introducing himself, he ran up to me and stole my hat. I later found out it was because he thought I was pretty but didn't know how to talk to me...
The rest of that year was amazing. We liked each other a lot. Flirted, cuddled, but nothing ever came of it. It was just fun. We took photos of each other in stupid outfits because we thought we had kill style, smoked weed and ran around the back yard, it was amazing.
Time goes by, we both get into relationships, mine was controlling...After my relationship ended I started hanging out with Alex every day. Every. Day.
"Bitch, what you doing? Come pick me up let's get hiiiiigh"
Or vise versa, he'd text me, "BITCH I'M OUTSIDE YO HOUSE GET IN ME CAR!"
We would drive around for hours, listening to music, finding hiking trails...Hiking, walking, smoking weed, music, life, love, talking about the world and how we were going to change it.
We were going to move in together in 2012. We were going to take classes in Victoria at the ecovillage to learn how to live a self sustainable life, then build a cabin and disappear. We had a plan. We had adventures that we were going to go on.
And then on April 18th he was in a car accident.
I was laying in my be with my partner, who had just told me he loved me for the first time. Moments later I received a text message from Alex's girlfriend, saying he was in an accident and in a coma at the hospital but he wasn't expected to survive due to severe organ damage and brain damage. But they were keeping him alive until his family could arrive from Fraser Lake...It took until 4pm the next day for them to get there.
I spent the last day in the hospital with him. I wish I could say it was all a blur, that I don't remember, but I remember every single detail.
His eyes swollen, the blood in the corner of his mouth, The tubes and his chest rising and falling like a machine. He wasn't in there. He just wasn't. But it felt nice....It felt nice to run my fingers through his thick brown hair. It felt nice to kiss his forehead and tell him I love him, tell him I wish that it would have worked out between us before.
And then they pulled the plug, and he really was gone. April 19th, 2012. The day my best friend died.
And now it's winter again. I'm living in a different city. My life is different. I look different. Things have changed and he never got to see any of it...And it's hard. I remember so many times in the beginning, picking up my phone to text him. Now it's a journal. I talk to him all the time, but fuck. His Grandmother always tells me that I truly was his best friend, that he loved me, that he's watching over me and that he was so fucking proud of me. He was. He was so fucking proud of me. Always showing people photos of my modelling work saying, "LOOK this is my best friend isn't she beautiful?!". He was the sweetest, craziest fucker I knew.
I just really miss him. Sometimes I feel like my heart will never be the same.
Promise I'll post something way less depressing later, like my butt, but I just needed to talk...Thanks for whoever is listening <3
