stinkerbell

Last week was too intense. I mean, I worked harder than ever and come Friday night at 7 o clock. My body stopped. Until 10 am on Saturday morning.

Yesterday we had company. Our friend Cary came over for a while. Then we went and saw some local theater. Brave New Workshop. Those in Minneapolis may know what I am talking about. So not PC improvisational theater.

Before Cary came over yesterday we started to clean house and I found a picture from my parents wedding. It was my mom, grandparents and aunts and uncle. It was amazing to me how much my mother looks like my grandmother. It was kinda of scary and then I saw parts of myself in my mother and I got scared.

A little insight to my mother. She has mental illness, a long list, that remains untreated. She has depression before having depression was cool.... ha ha. She did not want to have me. I was a surprise between dad's 2nd and third trip to Vietnam. He came home early from# 3 because Mary (sorry hard to call her mom) found out she was pregnant with me, and though her strict Catholic morals would not allow her to have an abortion, I thnk if she could she would had one, tried to kill herself and her three precious angels. All my life, I have been the one left behind the mistake which chose to come too early and a pain to her every since. She emotionally abandon me about the time that I was in school. I was good to have around when she needed attention but other than that I was pawned off on family and friends so she did not have to see the sight of me. The person who wanted me was my dad. He was my hero and the best. God, I wish he was still alive and she was the one who died.

Ok, I know that last statement was terrible. I do not wish my mother dead. You see this week marks 3 years since she told me to that I was dead in her eyes and that she wished she never had a daughter named Cheryl. Yea, folks that is my real name. You can call me it, though I dont know how much of the time I will answer to it. As much as this woman has hurt me, I know that she hurts so much more and that someday she will not be in pain anymore. That is when she dies. I wish she would find peace before that but I doubt it.

So, anyway, I look like my mother and share some of the "gifts" her mother shared with her. My fear, I dont want to become like my mother. Please I am begging those who love me, if I start being like Mary tell me.

On another, note, I got an e-mail from a friend I have not talked to in a good 15 - 20 years. He had been surfing the net and found my name. I was not sure what to say to him. The me of 20 years ago is a whole differnt lifetime ago. How do I tell him, how much I have changed.

Sunday mornings, I guess this is my time to ramble. However, I have to finish a letter to my Butterfly, and make Targes breakfast.

Thank you all my friends, who have left your heart print on me. To Kriss, Targes, Not_Tom Thank you for putting up with me. I know I have been a pain in the ass... I hope to change all that soon.

Buffy