the week ends. the weak end. the airport tomorrow to pick up another guest. an endless flow. pez, jen, GL3, ash, then a wedding in NC, then alina...this lasts until june.
i can't wait until i actually get to go inside
LAX - hop a plane north into the rain to remember what weather is like. i hear it makes you love coming home even more.
so i'm eating and cleaning and cutting back on the whiskey...waiting for the call again...this time i'm sure it will come...just not sure when. when do people come home again after such a THING?
listening to underwater and rosewater elizabeth...remembering my past and for once feeling like i have a future. SHE didn't kill me. so now that i'm not suicidal i feel like i'm invincible. maybe just invisible. maybe just full of shit.
damn - falling in love makes everything so fucking complicated again..."i was happy being miserable" (the good life) ... only that's not true either... i'm actually really happy right now...just scared that admitting it will make it run away.
i can't wait until i actually get to go inside
LAX - hop a plane north into the rain to remember what weather is like. i hear it makes you love coming home even more.
so i'm eating and cleaning and cutting back on the whiskey...waiting for the call again...this time i'm sure it will come...just not sure when. when do people come home again after such a THING?
listening to underwater and rosewater elizabeth...remembering my past and for once feeling like i have a future. SHE didn't kill me. so now that i'm not suicidal i feel like i'm invincible. maybe just invisible. maybe just full of shit.
damn - falling in love makes everything so fucking complicated again..."i was happy being miserable" (the good life) ... only that's not true either... i'm actually really happy right now...just scared that admitting it will make it run away.
VIEW 4 of 4 COMMENTS
"o guess that is because sex in my mind is so closely linked with bad relationships, pain, loss and alot of general ugliness. i almost feel like i can't bridge the gap between truly liking someone and seeing them as a sexual object. most of my relationships, no matter how long they have been, have been on a really superficial level. its like i can find a girl i really like and be great friends with her, or a girl i'm indifferent towards, have a very superficial connection with her and get laid."
now in response to your last message:
Don't get me wrong, i have no intentions of making a move on this girl. not at this point. i always just kindof thought "x, y, z is what im looking for in a girl, and when i see it i'll know" now i am seeing it, but the other half of the equation that i took for granted, the sex part, is just nonexistent. as in there is no desire for me to have a sexual relationship with her, and thats not for a lack of physical beauty. i guess its just all a little confusng, i guess what i am looking for is not so cut and dry.