Tuesday Jan 20, 2004

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aaahhh...off work early. finishing up 3 more mixes tonight...more conquest of the beast. do i own it? or does it own me? this thing rules my life right now...i'm just gettting it out to try to free myself.

i am a blind man being lead down a path that promises nothing...just hoping that if i have faith i will get something that i desire...what do i desire? if i knew, maybe i could choose a path more purposefully.

i am lonely...but i don't want anything. tried to rent movies tonight but couldn't find anything interesting...at this moment i want french fries...and i'm cooking them...it's easy to satisfy my simple needs...the larger ones i can't even seem to decipher let alone fullfill...

i used to think i knew...i used to think i had it all. or did i?
pezboy7416:
yes you did. me and HER and underwater. all just seems to change without passing out memos so we end up loking behind us to see where it all went. i've gotten whiplash for the seasons chnging before they were even in full bloom. you always fear expecting yours. i'm always too fucking naive. alone is time to figure out what lonely is. to find the purpose in this. i'm alone more than not so i must be able to do something better this way than with someone by my side. everything in life is a tool for something else, i just wish it didn't have to mean me giving myself away and left holding my mattress to fall asleep. cocteau twins and underwater are an invaluable asset though. memories of life feelings they invoke, can really help make sense of everything that happens now. i think. or perhaps i don't know anything at all. this sounds more likely.

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