steveshyte

Going to stop using side mirrors when I drive and announce to everyone in the car that it's god's will if we make it there alive.

In case you were wondering, I don't have ball implants. They're the real deal.

Just went thru airport security and TSA ran a feather down my ass crack. Booked three more flights for next week.

Whatever occupation you do, put "America's" in front of it and people will consider you an expert. "America's Adult Book Store Janitor".

Someone just gave me a pack of Skittles Fizzl'd Fruits. I don't know who came up with the idea for these, but they should only be served through a glory hole. I don't ever want to feel a warm fizzle sensation on my tongue again. Unless a lot of cash is involved...

Played Reno over the weekend. Changed my stage name to "Meth Dentist". Several sold out shows.

I had sex with a real estate agent last weekend. She rolled over in bed the next morning and I got hit in the face with a wafting smell of baked rigatoni. Is there a new Italian restaurant themed STD I'm unaware of or have I officially gotten so fat that sex and my love for Macaroni Grill have become interchangeable?

Middle of the night power shitting is underrated.

I want to give up everything and move to the midwest and find an old divorced white trash woman in her 50s who will love me unconditionally and we could sit around all day and be nudists and collect unemployment and watch porn with her adult children who still live with her.

I am now the proud owner of an electronic hands-free infrared soap dispenser for my bathroom. No woman in my life, but my hands are clean.