steveshyte

The day will come when I stop politely laughing off older women who flirt with me and just deliver the cock.

In Bakersfield, a Vicodin will get you $25.00 worth of gas and a hug from a fat girl.

I invented a new version of handshaking tonight where each person lightly pats one another twice on the taint then sniffs their fingers.

I want to blow my nose into a 5 star restaurant white linen tablecloth. It would be the equivalent of a handjob for the nose.

I do not believe a woman has ever had sex with a man based on his ability to perform yo yo tricks.

The only way this day could get better is if I was legally allowed to swing my balls around in public and drool like a great dane.

I want to breathe air filtered through one of those L'eggs plastic pantyhose eggs from the 1970's.

I'm looking for an apartment to move into that will allow me to scream at the top of my lungs every morning as I take a bowel movement.

You will never catch me with an erection while a saxophone is playing.

I wonder if Barry Manilow is blowing someone right now.

If you HAPPEN to meet someone at a comedy show you're doing and she HAPPENS to mention in light conversation that she "doesn't get along with any of her relatives", it's probably a good idea NOT to take her back to your hotel room and have sex with her and her "BFF" and then give her your phone number so she has the ability to...
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I'm about one more bad day away from going off the grid and drinking my own urine to survive.