stephanierenee

before reading, embrace yourself, because i totally let everything out.



because i'm absolutely miserable. according to her, i'm getting what i deserve. i thought my life was finally starting to turn around. i guess it's not.

i don't know what i did, and i don't know how any of this happened. it makes me want to drink, but i really don't want to drink. it makes me want to smoke, but i want to give that up too. i guess i kinda want to turn straight edge. but now one would be happy with me if i did.

and maybe i don't know how to take a hint. what do you do if someone you really like is totally avoiding you? not responding to your instant messages, or to your texts. not answering your phone calls? what did i do to get this? i'm not sure, i only wish i knew.

everytime i like someone this happens or i end up in a relationship that's bad, or ends badly. it makes me wonder what i did in my past life. what did i do then, that i am paying for now?

if i could do anything, i would make him as happy as he makes me. he doesn't make me want to argue with him at all, like most everyone else. maybe he's just had a bad past few days, and doesn't want to make me mad. but i might have crossed that line, with sending him im after im after im, because he wouldn't respond to me. for two nights now.

all he said to me tonight was: i'm just not happy with anyone

what does that mean? how am i to know? does that mean me too?

i just want a sign. something to let me know what i'm supposed to do. i don't want to be hurt any more. i shouldn't be hurt, i should be pissed. but i can't be. why do i always let guys walk all over me? or just anyone. i let everyone walk all over me. i'm an honest person, and people know that. they know who i am, and if they don't like me for that so be it. just tell me, because i'd tell you if it were reversed.

now i know that kelly will be happy because of what has happened to me here. it's funny though she goes around telling everyone that she hates me. and she really does hate me. but the funny thing is, nobody seems to know why. how can you go on telling everyone you know that you hate someone, but not have the guts to tell that person, or even have a reason why.

well now you have your reason, i'll fucking give it to you. hate me for fucking talking about it. it doesn't hurt me that you go behind my back hanging out with my friends, and talking to people you've never actually met, or have only met a few times, but know through me. when they get to know the real you, they wont see you as that sweet innocent girl any more. they will see you for the cold hearted bitch you really are.

you say that i use people, but in all reality, you use them to try and get to me. yeah it may sound like you've gotten to me here, but really you haven't. this is all shit that i've been keeping to myself. and here i have thought before i've typed any of this. i thought this time. and here you go.

you probably wont even read this, but who the fuck cares. people will stop asking me how's kelly? that'll be really nice. to not hear your name any more.

i will always remember the good in you, but too bad with any situation people almost always remember the bad in someone, not the good. therefore i will remember the bad way that our relationship ended, but there were all the good things that we went through. and i know that you will too.

you wont be able to forget:
? that night when you, erica and i stayed the night at my house, and i helped you make pajama pants.
- your first snowball fight in the middle of the summer in the parking lot of the bucks arena.
- your 18th birthday, i put together a surprise party for you.
- our trips to hobby lobby buying candy and hard hats made of plastic that totally wouldn't save us if something fell on our heads. funny sunglasses.
- you teaching me to drive a stick gas gas gas
- the time you made chase go into the street to pick up litter that he threw out of the car.
- when i told your mom what was wrong, because you were too afraid that she'd be mad (that was one of the best things i ever did for you)
- stealing branden's car for his own good
- the time i threw up at the rave, or in the car and you made me litter
- when we stole the shopping cart for you
- sleeping in chase's closet to hide from his mom & making a jenny voodoo doll
- and there will always be the first time we hung out together, i helped you with your homework by cutting stuff out of old magazines

then you wont forget the bad things you did to me or that i did to you:
- not calling you on your last birthday
- having sex with one of my boyfriends, and then he left me for you
but then that's all i can remember

i guess you remember more good about a best friend than the bad. you aren't my best friend any more, and never will be. i'm not even sure if i would want to be your friend any more. but i do want to call your attention to something that you wrote to me in 2001:

i want you to know that i never hated you... in fact i never have, and i never will. how could i ever hate you? -> you mean too much to me. i care a lot stephanie, and i hope we still can be friends, even if we aren't as good of friends.

who knows what that fight was about, there have been many, and yet each time we make up and become friends again.

i've been completely fine with out you this time around, so i'm not going to worry about being your friend, but i will always remember the good time we had, and how great of a friend you were. thank you for always being there when i needed you.

how did i turn all of this into kelly? i'm not sure, but i feel better about myself getting it out. although i feel worse about the situation that i am in right now. and i know that neither of these two people will read this. one hates me, and the other is avoiding me. and now that i think about it, being avoided, i probably deserve it. i don't remember doing anything bad, but seeming that i must have done something to make kelly hate me, then i must do shit all the time to piss people off.