Hottest July day in 100 years today! Meh!
Thanks again to everyone who left nice comments and had words of advice.
I know I'm silly. I really need to learn to talk through how I feel before making rash decisions and ending relationships. Plus I need to work on my self esteem, which has improved over the years. The older I get, the more comfortable I am with myself. I still just always feel so undeserving.
I can't figure out though whether it is the fear of rejection, or just losing someone close to me. When my mother died when I was 16, my world fell apart and I know I've never confronted or spoken really about it with a professional counselor despite making attempts too.
With every relationship I've been in, all 3 (that many yes!) I've always let my mind run away with itself as to why my partner will leave me. I just feel that I'm holding them back. I'm not into raving/clubbing etc which is usually the main bone of contention. Meh.
Anyway I'm going to start being more confident in myself. Just be myself. If my partner doesn't like it then they cam dump my ass and I'll just have to deal with it.
It's been difficult lately though. Heather is the first person to ever reject me rather than myself doing the rejecting. And it's hard to accept. I want to be with someone, who doesn't want to be with me.
It's melting my brain just thinking about it, I had happiness, I threw it away.
I guess it's going to be weird for a while. I keep thinking of her, the little things such as playing Chess, walking round the Van Gogh museum, her serious face.
I went to the Directors house on Saturday for a works BBQ. I was close to not going as I was upset after the call from Heather, however it turned out to be just what I needed. No time to be sad. I wasn't planning to stay the night but within minutes I'd already had a couple of glasses of wine and before I knew it I was necking the beer on offer!
His kids wore me out playing football and volleyball. They were 7 & 9 and full of energy! We even ended up playing pass the parcel with wrapped up gifts and at one point musical hats?! Yes clearly the Director is mad.
Sunday I went back to my dads. This was the first point since Heather's call that I realised how great life still is. Driving 120miles on the motorway, sun blazing, windows down and Queens of the Stone Age blasting out the speakers, I kept smiling to myself!
Visited both sets of grandparents, really miss visiting them. I used to see them every week, yet now I've moved away it's more like every other month.
Had an awful conference on Monday. Only highlight was free beer at the end.
Dad and *fingers crossed* my sister are coming up Saturday for the day. More decorating, maybe a BBQ too. I miss them lots.
Oh and I bought the new Razorlight album. I like it, but despite all their talk and slagging off of the Kooks, the latter is still better!
Thanks again to everyone who left nice comments and had words of advice.
I know I'm silly. I really need to learn to talk through how I feel before making rash decisions and ending relationships. Plus I need to work on my self esteem, which has improved over the years. The older I get, the more comfortable I am with myself. I still just always feel so undeserving.
I can't figure out though whether it is the fear of rejection, or just losing someone close to me. When my mother died when I was 16, my world fell apart and I know I've never confronted or spoken really about it with a professional counselor despite making attempts too.
With every relationship I've been in, all 3 (that many yes!) I've always let my mind run away with itself as to why my partner will leave me. I just feel that I'm holding them back. I'm not into raving/clubbing etc which is usually the main bone of contention. Meh.
Anyway I'm going to start being more confident in myself. Just be myself. If my partner doesn't like it then they cam dump my ass and I'll just have to deal with it.
It's been difficult lately though. Heather is the first person to ever reject me rather than myself doing the rejecting. And it's hard to accept. I want to be with someone, who doesn't want to be with me.
It's melting my brain just thinking about it, I had happiness, I threw it away.
I guess it's going to be weird for a while. I keep thinking of her, the little things such as playing Chess, walking round the Van Gogh museum, her serious face.
I went to the Directors house on Saturday for a works BBQ. I was close to not going as I was upset after the call from Heather, however it turned out to be just what I needed. No time to be sad. I wasn't planning to stay the night but within minutes I'd already had a couple of glasses of wine and before I knew it I was necking the beer on offer!
His kids wore me out playing football and volleyball. They were 7 & 9 and full of energy! We even ended up playing pass the parcel with wrapped up gifts and at one point musical hats?! Yes clearly the Director is mad.
Sunday I went back to my dads. This was the first point since Heather's call that I realised how great life still is. Driving 120miles on the motorway, sun blazing, windows down and Queens of the Stone Age blasting out the speakers, I kept smiling to myself!
Visited both sets of grandparents, really miss visiting them. I used to see them every week, yet now I've moved away it's more like every other month.
Had an awful conference on Monday. Only highlight was free beer at the end.
Dad and *fingers crossed* my sister are coming up Saturday for the day. More decorating, maybe a BBQ too. I miss them lots.
Oh and I bought the new Razorlight album. I like it, but despite all their talk and slagging off of the Kooks, the latter is still better!
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But...don't reply until I think of a new blog to write...which WILL be tonight. I have committed to it now so I have to do it.