starstealer

today i actually didn't want to kill myself. today wasn't so bad. it was actually a nice day were we did what we always do on this holiday. for one day we are not a broken family and i am not a broken girl. and we don't pretend everything is alright, everything is alright. we play chess all day (my brother, my dad and i) while my sisters and mom cook. then everyone comes over and i lead the family prayer and my dad cooks the turkey and that's that. we eat. then we watch batman, we didn't do that this year. we watched harry poter. then it's over. damn i wanna leave this town, but only come back on this day to be with the family that annoys me to all extent. this year was different. my mom smiled the whole day even while she cleaned. even when my brother pissed everyone off. even when i forgot to start the prayer before we ate. even when i accidently cut the cake thinkin it was cornbread. yeah today was a good day and as much as i hate the holidays this year it felt different. i think it's the idea that my mom may not be here next year. christmas has to be perfect for her. it's always been a big deal to her. although i am not looking forward to it.