starstealer

i don't know if it's desperation that i feel that i need him now or what. i really just want to be free of those sort of things, ya'know love. i've decided to not have sex anymore or at least until i figure out who i am so i am not using sex to try to figure out myself or as a substitute for love and to cut people that really don't care about me out of my life. from now on i will only call jem and kris. no one else will matter. like sam calling the other day with her empty apology for not calling me for two weeks like she was so important that i just sit around waiting for her to call to hang out. whatever. she didn't even care that my mom had cancer. i hate her. she basically just called to see if she was getting a present from me. oh she is getting something alright. the main people outside of my family i am concerned with are jem and kris. maybe adam, maybe, i doubt it. if i were to get him something it would just be a waste or something i dunno. it's hard to explain. it's like we are not really friends we just sort of pretend to be cuz we hooked up and that's lame and i don't want to pretend nemore. it's like a pity friendship, not on my part. i like the kid i do, but i don't think he likes me that much............neway this is fuckin dumb. but i have always been self conscious in that department. at work i use to think that people only invited me to places because i was standing there starring watching them inivite everyone else.
i have been thinking about Queen Mab lately. mainly because in mass this sunday there was a little girl who looked just like her. i need my own personal mab. i normally hate my birthday. i always thought it was stupid how selfish people get on their b-days and how i don't want to look that ignorant or narcisstic and how only the vain luv their b-day. but this year i want my b-day to be special, something worthy of me being 21. at the same time i feel like an ass for picking this year to be selfish because of my mom. yet i have always tried to make other people feel special and sacrificed my own self esteeme to let everyone else have the spot light. i just want for once it to be my turn. i also want to leave right after my birthday and go to LA. there is nothing for me here.