stargirl17

i went to the wakarusa music festival on saturday and had a good time until the acid kicked in bad. then i started thinking too much. i'm never taking lsd or mollie again. i just can't. today i was an emotional wreck having survived the second worst trip that i've ever had and while trying to absorb music and people - i normally stay away from drugs, particuarly hallucigaenics, but i thought i'd give it a go since i hadn't in so long. baaaad idea. and everyone i was with was too fucked up to care or really notice, plus i forgot to take my meds with me so i felt even weirder than usual. but jazz mandolin was good as was particle, but wilco was the only really good thing about the whole day/night. and i wasted so much money, too. ugh. and now my serotonin levels are going to be even more out of whack because of the mollie. i am so stupid sometimes. i know what i do and do not put in my body and those are two things that do not go in this girlo's body. yet i did and opened pandora's box somewhat. every insecurity that i had been trying to squelch for the past year came out to taunt me with harsh words and ideas. ideas about myself and why i can't truly be happy - what is really at the root of my depression if anything at all, which has motivated me to find and actually go to therapy again.

here comes the worse p[art: today, or i guess it's yesterday my time, now, since it's 1:30. i told brian i wanted to take a break. on our 14 month anniversary. so we can't see each other for a while. maybe just a week or two, maybe longer. i already miss him so much and have just been crying but i reached my wits end when he wouldn't comfort me or hold me on sunday afternoon when we got up and he didn't kiss me good night or even check on me or cuddle me after mybad trip saturday/ sunday morning. i just wasn't getting my needs met, and even though i don't really have any friends, i somehow have to be strong enough to get through this. i told him we could still talk on the phone but no seeing one another until we're ready. until i'm ready actually, i guess, since i made the break. i was sobbing and shaking and he showed no emotion whatsoever as i told him and when i asked him why he said it hadn't sunk in yet. i told him to call when it did but he never called. i know we love each other but maybe i need to much from him, but is it too much to ask that after over a year he might show some emotion? he used to cry and get upset and now he's like a fucking robot. stuff's not right with him either and he's holding in his emotions. i keep telling myself it's only a break, not the end, but i don't know for sure. though it's pathetic, i love him so much he has become a part of me and i don't quite feel whole with him but him not meeting my needs has left me feeling cheated one too many times. he's too good of a guy to let go, but it might happen. i'm so scared and so sad right now. i feel like i have no where to turn for support besides my mom and a newish friendship with a girl much younger than me that reminds me of me at that age slightly. my sister is too caught up in her own thing to be of too much help, so i guess it's just me and me. and i can't afford to live in my house anymore without a roommate and i can't stand another roommate after everyone i've had has screwed me over in some way - mostly financially and bad too. one owes me close to $3000 that i will never see (he wrecked my car and never got it fixed). so i want to get an apratment in the city instead of paying for this house in the suburbs but my credit's too bad and i don't think anyone would co-sign ona lease for me so i'm stuck in this house that is too big for one person or i guess i could go live with my mom again though i really don't think i could do that. i love her but i don't want to live with the folks again. i'm at a not-so-good place in my life right now and i have myself to blame. i mean, i have a lot of good things going for me but then again m=my bipolar has been so bad that sometimes i just want to give up. but i don't for some reason. i've got that will to live and carry on in me, though right now it's feeling pretty weak. i slept all eveining, woke up at one am and am going to go back to sleep till morning (later in the morning). i don't think i should take the job at express. i really don't want to work there at all. and i'm going to ask if i can put my apprenticeship on hold for a few weeks until i can get my head straightened out a bit, but we'll see how compassionate my boss is.

i don't know how i'm going to handle the next few weeks. it's going to be rough. i feel really alone.

and i can't really think past the next few weeks either because it's too scary right now. too much to handle.