stargirl17

i hate my new job. already. it's what, my first real day? and i hate it. we have no customers that we are supposed to make some stupid sales quota to and there is nothing to do. at all. i faced jewelry for over two hours. no sales. and the air conditioner is broken/ does not exist on my floor, and i have to wear long sleeves and pants to cover my tattoos so i was sweating the entire time i was out there. three and a half hours of sweating, re-arranging racks of earrings and brooches. that was after five hours of "training" aka watching video after video and being left alone in some over-air conditioned office shivering. maybe it's not that bad. maybe i'm getting sick. my co-workers in this wonderful job? an older woman that had a stroke that "steals everyone else's sales" and the gorgeous (ok - that's a perk) chantell (chantall?) that talks on the phone and visits with friends - she's supposed to be finishing my "training" but ditched me the second management left. they never fully taught me the cash register or even told me what to do besides help people and there are no people to help! i think i saw maybe four or five customers tops in over three hours. and none of them wanted my help, not that i would be able to assist them because no one really showed me how! i don't know what brands we carry, what to do if one earring is missing, if items are broken or missing, anything. and my retainer for my upper labret fell out, i bit it, broke it in two, and my piercing is now closed up. i've had almost everything pierced on my face that i can and that was my favortie and it's gone now. arghhhh! i still have no car, had to cancel two doctor appointments in the past week because of the no car thing, my commute has somehow grown to 40 minutes from my house to get there and timed in, my manager today told me i would leave at 6:30 - i got done at 9. i'm completely stressed out over a shit job. my car might be ready tomorrow, but not before i have to leave at 9 am to be at work by 10 am, so once again it's the parts truck from my parent's business without a working radio. i tell the bf that i've had a bad day - he tells me that every day that he has to work is a bad day - basically, suck it up - he doesn't complain. so basically, i hate this day and don't want the next to start. i need a break from this break from school. i have no more money - i somehow blew my entire months money and then some and still have to pay car payment, eat, put premium gas in my now worthless (literally) car, get up in about eight hours, pay for my pills to keep me half-way sane (this is not even close to my naturally insane state of mind), eat so that i can stay fat and disgusting/get even more fat and disgusting, and hate myself some more and realize once again that yes, i am a loser. LOSER. i'm so lame i probably think this entry is about me. at least i got the apprenticeship. but for what? who in their right mind would let me touch them with a needle, let alone a dermal punch or a scalpel? i think i'm having one overly-long and extended (wait - aren't they the same - i'm so redundant) panic attack/reality set-in attack. i hate myself enough for the whole world. and the worst part is, i am no longer so depressed that i want to die when i feel like this, so what do i do? i could cut again, but why? i didn't feel better last time. so what do i do with myself besides ramble on and on and on in my online journals that don't matter to anyone. ok. breathe in. and out. take xanax. swallow water. take xanax. swallow water. breathe in, breathe out - if this is me sane and on lots of anti-depressants then. . . (breathing)