I've made a decision. I'm not going to tell people how I'm really doing anymore. I'm not going to let people inside of my broken ass head unless I'm paying them to share whatever pain it is I feel. (read: counselor or shrink)
Let's face it, no one really wants to hear if I'm having a shitty day. Everyone expects "Hey, Tim. How're you?" "I'm fine. You?" "Good." and that's all. No one wants a real answer. Anyone who claims to want a real answer anymore, I think I'll just lie to, or atleast hold back on. Who really wants to be brought down by a sad sack of shit? I know I don't.
And I'd like to point out that today was a good day, and I'm really not feeling depressed anymore. I just realized that this is a lot of problem. When I feel depressed I'm far too eager to share my pain with other people. Every person who shares that pain a little take some of it away from me. It's wrong of me to do this to people, it's wrong of people to expect that I'll shoulder their burdens too.
I always brushed off people when they'd tell me about their shitty days. I'd listen but, I never assimilated their shit into mine. Apparently a lot of other people in the world take the shitty day of their friend/coworker/guy on the bus next to them and accept that as their own. They empathize with every living thing on the planet and as a result end up hurt by the emotions of people around them.
I detest hurting people. I still feel bad about the way I treated some of my exes, even though they were definitely crazy in some cases. But the knowledge that I cause pain sucks worse than anything I feel on a normal basis, depressed or not.
I used to delight in hurting people. It was my special skill. It was what I was good at. I was 20's across the stats epic level asshole because no one treated me with any decency for quite a few years and I learned to hurt them with words to survive and be left alone.
I'm good at being alone, though I hate it. Alone I can stand against anything, except loneliness if that makes any sense. Trying again to define this. Having people or a person near me doesn't complete me, I'm already complete. The role that the other serves is to accent my completeness with their presence.
"I can't live without you." Means: I can live without you, but I'm better for being with you. Atleast that's what it means to me. Obviously you can live without people in your life. If you lived before you met the person you can live after they are gone. Too many people forget this fact and suicide when some one dies or dumps or otherwise. It's rediculous. Of course you can live without some one, or anyone for that matter. The question becomes "Do you want to?" or "Are you better with them"
I will admit that those who've been around me for the last few years are probably not better with me, and for this I have great regret. Cary wasn't better with me, she was still the same as she was without me. Not better, not worse. Kelly... I don't know. And my viking lass, was worse with me and I know that now. That's why I have to change. That's why I have to fix myself or atleast fix the way I treat people.
I treated the one person I know who really means the world to me like shit and now I have to pay for it. And I didn't even realize how bad it was until I had it taken away and now I may never have it back. I understand that I have to pay this price. I accept it.
I know you're going to read this babe. You're probably one of the only people still reading at this point. This didn't really start out to be aimed at you, mostly just to share my thoughts. I'm done sharing emotions, well... negative ones atleast. I only want to share joy with people anymore. I only want to feel joy anymore. The second is harder than the first, but I want to be happy again. Not for you or for anyone else do I want this. I want to be happy for me.
That's all really.
To everyone who made it this far or all the people (wankers) who skipped to the bottom, I charge you to find your happiness in the things you do. Find your happiness in waking up each morning. Find it in driving your car, riding your bike, or walking the dog. Find it in a cookie, an orgasm, or a night watching old movies. Whatever you do find something that makes you feel good and do it. And the things you have to do, feel good about.
Peace
Let's face it, no one really wants to hear if I'm having a shitty day. Everyone expects "Hey, Tim. How're you?" "I'm fine. You?" "Good." and that's all. No one wants a real answer. Anyone who claims to want a real answer anymore, I think I'll just lie to, or atleast hold back on. Who really wants to be brought down by a sad sack of shit? I know I don't.
And I'd like to point out that today was a good day, and I'm really not feeling depressed anymore. I just realized that this is a lot of problem. When I feel depressed I'm far too eager to share my pain with other people. Every person who shares that pain a little take some of it away from me. It's wrong of me to do this to people, it's wrong of people to expect that I'll shoulder their burdens too.
I always brushed off people when they'd tell me about their shitty days. I'd listen but, I never assimilated their shit into mine. Apparently a lot of other people in the world take the shitty day of their friend/coworker/guy on the bus next to them and accept that as their own. They empathize with every living thing on the planet and as a result end up hurt by the emotions of people around them.
I detest hurting people. I still feel bad about the way I treated some of my exes, even though they were definitely crazy in some cases. But the knowledge that I cause pain sucks worse than anything I feel on a normal basis, depressed or not.
I used to delight in hurting people. It was my special skill. It was what I was good at. I was 20's across the stats epic level asshole because no one treated me with any decency for quite a few years and I learned to hurt them with words to survive and be left alone.
I'm good at being alone, though I hate it. Alone I can stand against anything, except loneliness if that makes any sense. Trying again to define this. Having people or a person near me doesn't complete me, I'm already complete. The role that the other serves is to accent my completeness with their presence.
"I can't live without you." Means: I can live without you, but I'm better for being with you. Atleast that's what it means to me. Obviously you can live without people in your life. If you lived before you met the person you can live after they are gone. Too many people forget this fact and suicide when some one dies or dumps or otherwise. It's rediculous. Of course you can live without some one, or anyone for that matter. The question becomes "Do you want to?" or "Are you better with them"
I will admit that those who've been around me for the last few years are probably not better with me, and for this I have great regret. Cary wasn't better with me, she was still the same as she was without me. Not better, not worse. Kelly... I don't know. And my viking lass, was worse with me and I know that now. That's why I have to change. That's why I have to fix myself or atleast fix the way I treat people.
I treated the one person I know who really means the world to me like shit and now I have to pay for it. And I didn't even realize how bad it was until I had it taken away and now I may never have it back. I understand that I have to pay this price. I accept it.
I know you're going to read this babe. You're probably one of the only people still reading at this point. This didn't really start out to be aimed at you, mostly just to share my thoughts. I'm done sharing emotions, well... negative ones atleast. I only want to share joy with people anymore. I only want to feel joy anymore. The second is harder than the first, but I want to be happy again. Not for you or for anyone else do I want this. I want to be happy for me.
That's all really.
To everyone who made it this far or all the people (wankers) who skipped to the bottom, I charge you to find your happiness in the things you do. Find your happiness in waking up each morning. Find it in driving your car, riding your bike, or walking the dog. Find it in a cookie, an orgasm, or a night watching old movies. Whatever you do find something that makes you feel good and do it. And the things you have to do, feel good about.
Peace
just.. word.