I feel like I should update this as long as I still have a subscription. I mostly just hang out on the stoner board anymore, but what the hell.
I have too little money, too little time. That's always the case though. I'm actually saving money again. It's insane. I'm back to where I can afford to buy shit, or go out to eat, or whatever. No more credit card debt and I've only got like 10500 between my car and personal loans. I'm taking the bus to work and it's saving me 80 bucks a month average. State employees ride free. Between that and just generally curtailing all the other random spending I'm not doing too poorly.
I don't like facebook. Never really have. I don't really like myspace either, but that's neither here nor there as myspace seems to be dying. At the urging of friends back in college I got a facebook page and then never touched it. Seems that others took notice that I was there and slowly people have been bitching at me to update my page and post pictures and do all the social networking and friend request crap mostly with people who I remember from high school and didn't really like.
An ex... well... sort of ex. She and I "dated" for three days before she left me to go back to the asshole she left for me in the first place. He hit her. I'm not just calling him an asshole to be petty. I think she ran to me because I was intimidating and might be able to protect her, her folks liked him and she thought they'd hate me, and just generally all the young dumb girl crap that comes from high school flings. I digress... an ex contacted me recently on facebook. She wants to be facebook friends. The last things I remember saying to her were "Get the fuck out of my car," and "I can't believe I ever found you attractive you awful bitch. I deserve better than to be made to feel this way."
There is a part of me that gets that she was in a bad place, I was too at that point in my life, but there's also a part of me that still feels a hurt that can only come from some one leaving you to go back to some one who beat them. At the time I didn't see it as "She really needs help." I saw it as, "I'm worse than the guy who hits her." Fucked up right?
Anyway it's not like I was ever in love with this girl or anything. I just wanted to physical pleasure and I think the sympathetic part of me wanted to do the white knight thing and save her. Fucking stupid, I know... but that's what happens when you grow up reading Arthurian legends, ok?
So here's my dilemma... Do I reopen a contact with her and risk that she's just as unstable and self destructive and allow that back into my life in any way... or do I ignore it as I've done with other exes because she's an ex for a reason and crazy bitch is as crazy bitch does.
Maybe a more important question is, "why for so many years did I only attract the fucking psychopaths?" I think it's because I hadn't taken the time to really figure out my own shit. I hadn't realized what was important to me. I'm still not 100% on what I ultimately want out of life, but some answers are better than just being a ball of untargeted rage riding the highs and lows of emotion without an sense of direction.
I wish she wasn't so goddam attractive too. The thought of her, my wife and myself all getting frisky makes me light headed.
Well... it's not like people read this anyway, so I'm not expecting help or advice. I'm mostly just writing it to try and think it through.
I have too little money, too little time. That's always the case though. I'm actually saving money again. It's insane. I'm back to where I can afford to buy shit, or go out to eat, or whatever. No more credit card debt and I've only got like 10500 between my car and personal loans. I'm taking the bus to work and it's saving me 80 bucks a month average. State employees ride free. Between that and just generally curtailing all the other random spending I'm not doing too poorly.
I don't like facebook. Never really have. I don't really like myspace either, but that's neither here nor there as myspace seems to be dying. At the urging of friends back in college I got a facebook page and then never touched it. Seems that others took notice that I was there and slowly people have been bitching at me to update my page and post pictures and do all the social networking and friend request crap mostly with people who I remember from high school and didn't really like.
An ex... well... sort of ex. She and I "dated" for three days before she left me to go back to the asshole she left for me in the first place. He hit her. I'm not just calling him an asshole to be petty. I think she ran to me because I was intimidating and might be able to protect her, her folks liked him and she thought they'd hate me, and just generally all the young dumb girl crap that comes from high school flings. I digress... an ex contacted me recently on facebook. She wants to be facebook friends. The last things I remember saying to her were "Get the fuck out of my car," and "I can't believe I ever found you attractive you awful bitch. I deserve better than to be made to feel this way."
There is a part of me that gets that she was in a bad place, I was too at that point in my life, but there's also a part of me that still feels a hurt that can only come from some one leaving you to go back to some one who beat them. At the time I didn't see it as "She really needs help." I saw it as, "I'm worse than the guy who hits her." Fucked up right?
Anyway it's not like I was ever in love with this girl or anything. I just wanted to physical pleasure and I think the sympathetic part of me wanted to do the white knight thing and save her. Fucking stupid, I know... but that's what happens when you grow up reading Arthurian legends, ok?
So here's my dilemma... Do I reopen a contact with her and risk that she's just as unstable and self destructive and allow that back into my life in any way... or do I ignore it as I've done with other exes because she's an ex for a reason and crazy bitch is as crazy bitch does.
Maybe a more important question is, "why for so many years did I only attract the fucking psychopaths?" I think it's because I hadn't taken the time to really figure out my own shit. I hadn't realized what was important to me. I'm still not 100% on what I ultimately want out of life, but some answers are better than just being a ball of untargeted rage riding the highs and lows of emotion without an sense of direction.
I wish she wasn't so goddam attractive too. The thought of her, my wife and myself all getting frisky makes me light headed.
Well... it's not like people read this anyway, so I'm not expecting help or advice. I'm mostly just writing it to try and think it through.