stainedecho

Here is my problem, here is my malfunction.

I love too much.

I care too much, is probably more exact.

I'm always the nice guy that girls like to hang out with, but not date. Most of the girls I fall in love with tend to be either lesbian or taken by some other guy.

My friend, Jessa, from Wisconsin came down to visit over New Years. My best friend Adam was also visiting me while he was on vacation from JET. Jessa and Adam met each other overseas in Japan when they were studying during college. They hit it off, and I think there were some promises made about dating seriously once they got back to the States. However, Adam was secretly dating someone else behind her back.. well, I guess they never really seriously dated, but Jessa was under the impression that she was the only one Adam was serious with.. etc. Having known Adam for years and see him go through women, I wonder why I associate with him sometimes, cause he can be a real dick.. not like abusive, just non-communicative.. tends to leave women in the lurch a lot. I don't know how, but that seems to attract more women to him.. good, caring women, who don't need to be treated like shit... well, there's another post right there.

Anyway, I thought Jessa wasn't still into Adam, not what he put her through. I've been crushing on her for like a year and a half. She knows it. She knows I love her. I talked to her before she came down and I kinda made a comment.. half jokingly about her being close by me around midnight for a kiss...

When that time came, we were all drunk in a bar, and I got a kiss from her all right, but not after I saw her and Adam drunkenly make out for like a minute before hand after the New Year had been rung in... after watching that the kiss i got felt cheapened... I shiver in embarassment, cause she had her two friends with her, and I must have looked so stupid. I sure felt dumb. Now that I think back about it, I really don't know what the hell I was expecting.. I should have seen this coming long down the pike... I guess I was just hoping that wouldn't happen.. but it did.

The more I think about it, the more I think what an idiot I am, what a foolish, hopeful idiot. I think she was probably there to see Adam more than me. All she could say to me when I was pouring out my heart and emotionally eviscerating myself was how sweet I was and have always been and that I was drunk and I wouldn't be saying such things if I wasn't drunk. That might be true.. true that I might not say that, but only because I'd be so nervous and i'd probably mix up my words. I still think my allusion is valid. She is Carrie. I'm Aiden. She knows I'm good for her, and that I will be good to her and for her. She just gets caught up with these other Mr. Bigs. Adam's one. She knows he is. I've seen the way he treats women... but they just keep coming back.

I could never be like that. It's not my style. I think I care too much about a woman's well-being to run her through like that and play with her emotions etc.

It's why I'm single now.

Women my age don't dig stuff like that, I guess.

I keep trying, but I seem to keep striking out.

She still gets drunk, cries, and calls her ex, Damien (aptly named), who doesn't care for her anymore. That's what she did New Years day. We came back to her friend's sister's place (the sis was out of town).. Adam crashed there, in the room she was staying in, and I passed out for a bit in the living room. When I woke up, one of her friends was asking the other for a condom to put on the guy she brought back from the bar (ick.), I had the presence of mind to call my friend Jason for a ride back to my apartment. Jessa was sad that I left, and she gave me a hug and I kissed her on her forehead and said she'd call me later.

I'm still waiting on that phone call.

Adam came back and said she spent the whole rest of the evening talking about Damien, and trying to call him and stuff.. with crying added.

Damien's a scumbag, I've spent hours on the phone with her and via IM consoling her about him + Adam after all that shit in Japan went down years ago. I don't really know what else to do.

She's the one I said I'd move for. I still would.

I realize Adam's not a prize in the long run for women. Shit, I realized that by the end of junior year in high school. He's a great guy else wise, smart, outgoing, attractive, and funny. He just gets bored easily... so like he'll date a woman and be really into her for a few months and then he'll lose interest and just ignore her. Stone cold. I saw him bring one of his ex's along on a trip with the rest of us (the ex he brought was a really close childhood friend of mine, and she still is) and for the most part he ignored her and made this like 96 sided origami ball instead.

Yeah. I hate that about him.

Wow, I've said quite a lot this evening. Maybe more than I ought. It's quite an outpouring for one entry.

I realize I don't speak much in this journal.. yet. I have to get motivated to write long, revealing entries like this, and that doesn't happen very often.

Savor the flavor.