Something Stupid:
When I was in high school my doctor put me on a drug to help kill my pain from a knee surgery. The drug didn't work and I reacted to it violently. I took special note of what that drug was ...
... and I took eight of them. Origionally I intended to take 12; but with eight in hand I knew that was enough. I took them unnoticed. I resumed working. I worked for an hour wondering "what the hell is taking so long?" I was about ready to go to plan B ... but then they started working. Slowly at first, then getting worse exponentially. When my color flux didn't attract the kind of attention I'd hoped, I over-exaggerated. Then, I didn't need to overexaggerate. Finally it developed to a point which I could not work through ~ and I told my boss I needed to get home A.S.A.P. through tears which were not forced.
A friend followed me home. I really did need her to. My drive home is far from short ~ so when she got to my place I felt the need to entertain her a little ... to thank her. We started a movie which we didn't watch and I talked to her ~ between mad dashes to the bathroom so I could retaste the chocolate brownie from that morning. My mother had been shopping but noticed, when she came home, 2 cars she wasn't expecting.
Mother took one look at me and immediatly called my doctor. My friend left and I took a 1/2 hour nap. Being horizontal made everything feel better. Then the doctor ~ who drew all kinds of blood. Mom stayed in the office with me, so I told the doctor everything EXCEPT those 8 pills. The doctor said she believes it to be a stress-related anxiety attack or a reverse diabetic reaction to chocolate. That would suck.
A nap later I felt better. Not better enough to hold down food, but better enough to be perfectly fine if I didn't try. I knew that would be how it'll play out.
Bottom line: I needed a stress-related anxiety attack to get me out of work right then and there. Nothing else would have done it. I needed a personal day because I haven't slept or eaten in a long time - but I've been doing my 40 hour grind - and scared to death that some friends of mine were going to make some life-altering decisions and take me along for the ride. That fear became excitment. But I needed a day. The stupid part was that I had to do it. The reprocusions of it are that there are several people whom I care about that are worried about me. Just because I don't believe in worry ... they still do. I trusted my own recovery, but I did not expect that it would go so far as to frighten two people who live so far away. The two people I, in a way, did it for. I don't think I could ever finish apologizing to them for the scare.
But onto other things:
Somehow I had allowed my head to swell and I believed myself to be an important influence in the lives of two new friends. While I can't deny that I was an influence, I now know that I was not as strong of one that I believed myself to be. Neither of them need me. Now, neither of them truely want me. The only reason I don't bow out gracefully is because one of them (both of them?) have asked me not to.
One friend is finding her independance and I couldn't be prouder of her. I'm actually excited about the outcome she's found.
The other has made an important life decision but has elected to do nothing about it. That bothers me beause I'd gone from afraid to excited for this friend and had built up hope for ~ something, anything ~ to happen. Instead, while I feel something SHOULD happen, nothing is. Worse than that though, she has asked me not to leave her life. Because I care about her, I will do as she asks. I don't know if she realizes that asking me to stay will be putting me right back down a road that I have walked before ... and I loathed it the first time. Her friendship will cut me daily, and then she'll have the gall to ask me why I'm so hesitant to love someone. I did not want to love her because of the roads I've walked on. She was able to break though the walls I'd built ~ and now she's putting me right back on those roads which killed my spirit before. I don't think I'll recover this time.
So she'll be my friend - awesome friend too - and someday someone will enter my life and ask me to love them. And I won't be able to. She'll wonder why .... but she should know.
The only way I can press on now is to kill the dragon's fire.
When I was in high school my doctor put me on a drug to help kill my pain from a knee surgery. The drug didn't work and I reacted to it violently. I took special note of what that drug was ...
... and I took eight of them. Origionally I intended to take 12; but with eight in hand I knew that was enough. I took them unnoticed. I resumed working. I worked for an hour wondering "what the hell is taking so long?" I was about ready to go to plan B ... but then they started working. Slowly at first, then getting worse exponentially. When my color flux didn't attract the kind of attention I'd hoped, I over-exaggerated. Then, I didn't need to overexaggerate. Finally it developed to a point which I could not work through ~ and I told my boss I needed to get home A.S.A.P. through tears which were not forced.
A friend followed me home. I really did need her to. My drive home is far from short ~ so when she got to my place I felt the need to entertain her a little ... to thank her. We started a movie which we didn't watch and I talked to her ~ between mad dashes to the bathroom so I could retaste the chocolate brownie from that morning. My mother had been shopping but noticed, when she came home, 2 cars she wasn't expecting.
Mother took one look at me and immediatly called my doctor. My friend left and I took a 1/2 hour nap. Being horizontal made everything feel better. Then the doctor ~ who drew all kinds of blood. Mom stayed in the office with me, so I told the doctor everything EXCEPT those 8 pills. The doctor said she believes it to be a stress-related anxiety attack or a reverse diabetic reaction to chocolate. That would suck.
A nap later I felt better. Not better enough to hold down food, but better enough to be perfectly fine if I didn't try. I knew that would be how it'll play out.
Bottom line: I needed a stress-related anxiety attack to get me out of work right then and there. Nothing else would have done it. I needed a personal day because I haven't slept or eaten in a long time - but I've been doing my 40 hour grind - and scared to death that some friends of mine were going to make some life-altering decisions and take me along for the ride. That fear became excitment. But I needed a day. The stupid part was that I had to do it. The reprocusions of it are that there are several people whom I care about that are worried about me. Just because I don't believe in worry ... they still do. I trusted my own recovery, but I did not expect that it would go so far as to frighten two people who live so far away. The two people I, in a way, did it for. I don't think I could ever finish apologizing to them for the scare.
But onto other things:
Somehow I had allowed my head to swell and I believed myself to be an important influence in the lives of two new friends. While I can't deny that I was an influence, I now know that I was not as strong of one that I believed myself to be. Neither of them need me. Now, neither of them truely want me. The only reason I don't bow out gracefully is because one of them (both of them?) have asked me not to.
One friend is finding her independance and I couldn't be prouder of her. I'm actually excited about the outcome she's found.
The other has made an important life decision but has elected to do nothing about it. That bothers me beause I'd gone from afraid to excited for this friend and had built up hope for ~ something, anything ~ to happen. Instead, while I feel something SHOULD happen, nothing is. Worse than that though, she has asked me not to leave her life. Because I care about her, I will do as she asks. I don't know if she realizes that asking me to stay will be putting me right back down a road that I have walked before ... and I loathed it the first time. Her friendship will cut me daily, and then she'll have the gall to ask me why I'm so hesitant to love someone. I did not want to love her because of the roads I've walked on. She was able to break though the walls I'd built ~ and now she's putting me right back on those roads which killed my spirit before. I don't think I'll recover this time.
So she'll be my friend - awesome friend too - and someday someone will enter my life and ask me to love them. And I won't be able to. She'll wonder why .... but she should know.
The only way I can press on now is to kill the dragon's fire.
VIEW 3 of 3 COMMENTS
just to clarify
It will change me - I can't help that. Once bit, twice shy ... and now I am thrice bit. Quad bit even if you want to count that boy I used ....
Its not fair to me, and you know this. But I also realize this isn't about me ... and so I conceed ... and will probably have to let the passion die if I must endure the rules too long.