~ October 27th. 10:35am. 1996.
Noel skips out of her lunch period. She goes to the girl's bathroom and looks down at her open hand. She thinks of the notes she wrote last night sitting on her desk: One to her parents and sister, one to her cheerleading team, and one to Jim and Jimmy. She sighed the longest sigh of her life - then she abruptly threw the contents on her hand to the back of her throat. A drink of water - look up at the ceiling - a hard swallow. More water, then a mournful sigh. Noel skips out of her lunch period ... and goes to the library.
Fifth period lunch is not yet over with when Noel, in the hall outside the library, falls to the floor - white and weak. Sarah sees her - rescues her. Noel is half carried, half dragged to the elevator across the way by the fear-stricken friend. In another moment Noel is on a bed in the nurse's office. Unconscious. The nurse has called 9-1-1.
The Cave Dragon (TCD) sits silently in 8th-9th period Biology. The day is almost out. Solemn. Bored - worse than usual. Something weighs on TCD's heart ... but perhaps it was just boredom and anxiety to get out; go home. Then there's a welcome interuption to the lesson TCD wasn't paying attention to: A knock on the door. The guidence councelor pokes his head inside and becons TCD to him.
In the empty halls outside the advanced biology room, smelling of fetal pigs and burning rubber, the guidence councelor looks TCD in the eyes and speaks with firmness and sincerity. "Go strait home after school. I know sometimes you stay after [for bible club], but go strait home." TCD, rather than lashing out because TCD went to bible club once ~ and when realized that this councelor who stood before TCD lead the group resolved never to go again in spite, gathered the thoughts within and asked "Why?" The answer: "Your cousin will be just fine. You don't have to worry. Your cousin will be fine. Just go right home after school. She'll be fine. Now get back to class."
*WHAT AN ASS!! Dismissing the fact that I already hated the man ... what the hell kind of thing is that to say?! WHICH COUSIN!?! What do you mean, will be fine? You mean she wasn't fine?! Don't worry ~ yeah - shit - I won't worry at all now. And why the hell do you think I'd even want to stick around after school anyway?!*
TCD walked back into the classroom and quietly as she'd left - but now the mind was racing so fast. Sarah alone had been watching the door when TCD entered. Sarah alone followed TCD to her seat. Sarah sat behind TCD and waited for a reaction. TCD noticed, but paid it no mind. Many thoughts overwhelmed the priority.
The bus ride home was 40 minutes long. The usual chaos was just background noise. TCD spread out and took up two adjacent seats - then curled into a ball facing the back of the bus and watched the world pass by the windows of the yellow giant. Before the end of that 40 minute ride, TCD knew everything - altho a word was never uttered. TCD knew which cousin; knew it was Noel. TCD knew what happened. TCD knew why, and when, and how. TCD knew that everything IS going to be alright ... and at the same time it would never be alright again. When the bus stopped to let off its final passengers - TCD sprinted off, dragging bags and sister behind. The minivan in the driveway was on and idle ... ready to leave.
Mom sat TCD and sister down and briefed them both. Sister stayed behind to wait for the last sibling. TCD, however, is not just family ~ but best friends with Noel. Mom and TCD climbed into the idle minivan and hastily made their way to the hospital. There were already people there.
Rose, Noel's sister, was crying in the arms of her boyfriend. Mom comforted her sister - Noel's mother. Three important figures of the church were already there handing out words of encouragement. TCD stood - alone - at the foot of the bed where Noel lie. She was a ghostly white - so pale that it was no longer attractive to see. The bright and bubbly cheerleader was as dead before her wanna-be goth cousin. TCD mourned silently and kept isolated and alone.
Noel was Mercy-Flighted to another hospital. The local one where she had been did all that they could to save her but felt inadiquate to recover her. Those who had been at the hospital with her went to Noel's home. They gathered clothing - the notes - and any evidence of what she might have swallowed hours earlier.
Kentucky Fried Chicken - a treat for Rose and TCD - in hopes that they might "forget" what is going on. It didn't work. Then an hour drive to the hospital where Noel lie in I.C.U.
Throughout the night people came and left. Jim stood over Noel and said "She looks like an angel" ~ TCD hated Jim for that ever since. Noel almost was with the angels, and it was because of Jim that she was. TCD never forgave him. While people mingled ... told one another stories to liven the dreary rooms ... TCD sat bedside to the stark-white Noel who still did not wake. TCD memorized the beeps of the monitors attached to her .... watched for hours the line which symbolized a pulse. Flinched when the numbers dropped or raised too fast. For hours. Only once did TDC ever leave Noel's side.
In a seperate room TCD was drilled for information. Noel's mother - and a stranger they often call a "shrink" quickly learned that TCD was Noel's living, breathing diary. TCD shed light on many issues and spoke of many things which no one had known about. Noel's mother was frightened. The shrink was satisfied. TCD was shaking.
TCD did not sleep that night - did not eat the next morning. TCD did not go to school. At dawn, TCD found a ride with an uncle - Noel's father ... who still denies the events of the previous day ... back to that hospital. Back to that bed. Back to that chair where TCD sits from when visiting hours start to an hour beyond when visiting hours end. Noel wakes - and is alert for all of 2 hours of that whole time. She is recovering. In that whole time, TCD had nothing and no one to occupy her time but the monitors whose rhythm had become a comfort and a curse. TCD spoke to few people - but watched countless visitors come and go ... TCD reserved words for those precious moments Noel was awake ... and spoke sincere words of comfort to her with conviction.
TCD hated Noel for the pain she had caused ... but never complained. In fact, when Rose complained - TCD resented her.
While that evening TCD froze in a heated room and shook more fiercely than ever before - it had settled now that everything would be alright. Noel was recovering ... TCD did not need to visit again tomorrow. Tomorrow Noel was going to pack and head home.
To distract from current events - on TCD's 60th hour without sleep the Dragon went to school to work backstage for a concert ... and danced the first and only dance of her life - behind the curtain - behind the orchestra - on stage where any audience member with a keen eye could see. And for the first time in days ~ TCD laughed again.
Noel saw a shrink weekly for years afterwards. Jim eventually found a restraining order keeping him from Noel. Noel became happy - and bubbly - not just a cheerleader but a HEAD Cheerleader (gag) ... and said often how grateful she was to be alive because of all the wonderful things she'd be missing out on.
And every October 27th, from that year on, TCD made a point to spend the day with Noel. To eat pizza and do the town - and enjoy life. TCD believes Noel no longer even remembers what had happened that day in 1996 ~ When they were merely Freshmen.
This October 27th, however - Noel is missing and TCD is alone. As you can plainly see - the weight of that day eight years ago is as heavy now as ever before for the Dragon. TCD believes strength came of that day ... and a lesson ... and because Noel came so close to suceeding at her task, TCD will never fail to remember the reprocussions. TCD would thank Noel - because it has saved the rare dragon's life .... except TCD still can't thank her because as far as Noel believes, the dragon has forgotten.
And Noel is missing. And TCD is alone.
Noel skips out of her lunch period. She goes to the girl's bathroom and looks down at her open hand. She thinks of the notes she wrote last night sitting on her desk: One to her parents and sister, one to her cheerleading team, and one to Jim and Jimmy. She sighed the longest sigh of her life - then she abruptly threw the contents on her hand to the back of her throat. A drink of water - look up at the ceiling - a hard swallow. More water, then a mournful sigh. Noel skips out of her lunch period ... and goes to the library.
Fifth period lunch is not yet over with when Noel, in the hall outside the library, falls to the floor - white and weak. Sarah sees her - rescues her. Noel is half carried, half dragged to the elevator across the way by the fear-stricken friend. In another moment Noel is on a bed in the nurse's office. Unconscious. The nurse has called 9-1-1.
The Cave Dragon (TCD) sits silently in 8th-9th period Biology. The day is almost out. Solemn. Bored - worse than usual. Something weighs on TCD's heart ... but perhaps it was just boredom and anxiety to get out; go home. Then there's a welcome interuption to the lesson TCD wasn't paying attention to: A knock on the door. The guidence councelor pokes his head inside and becons TCD to him.
In the empty halls outside the advanced biology room, smelling of fetal pigs and burning rubber, the guidence councelor looks TCD in the eyes and speaks with firmness and sincerity. "Go strait home after school. I know sometimes you stay after [for bible club], but go strait home." TCD, rather than lashing out because TCD went to bible club once ~ and when realized that this councelor who stood before TCD lead the group resolved never to go again in spite, gathered the thoughts within and asked "Why?" The answer: "Your cousin will be just fine. You don't have to worry. Your cousin will be fine. Just go right home after school. She'll be fine. Now get back to class."
*WHAT AN ASS!! Dismissing the fact that I already hated the man ... what the hell kind of thing is that to say?! WHICH COUSIN!?! What do you mean, will be fine? You mean she wasn't fine?! Don't worry ~ yeah - shit - I won't worry at all now. And why the hell do you think I'd even want to stick around after school anyway?!*
TCD walked back into the classroom and quietly as she'd left - but now the mind was racing so fast. Sarah alone had been watching the door when TCD entered. Sarah alone followed TCD to her seat. Sarah sat behind TCD and waited for a reaction. TCD noticed, but paid it no mind. Many thoughts overwhelmed the priority.
The bus ride home was 40 minutes long. The usual chaos was just background noise. TCD spread out and took up two adjacent seats - then curled into a ball facing the back of the bus and watched the world pass by the windows of the yellow giant. Before the end of that 40 minute ride, TCD knew everything - altho a word was never uttered. TCD knew which cousin; knew it was Noel. TCD knew what happened. TCD knew why, and when, and how. TCD knew that everything IS going to be alright ... and at the same time it would never be alright again. When the bus stopped to let off its final passengers - TCD sprinted off, dragging bags and sister behind. The minivan in the driveway was on and idle ... ready to leave.
Mom sat TCD and sister down and briefed them both. Sister stayed behind to wait for the last sibling. TCD, however, is not just family ~ but best friends with Noel. Mom and TCD climbed into the idle minivan and hastily made their way to the hospital. There were already people there.
Rose, Noel's sister, was crying in the arms of her boyfriend. Mom comforted her sister - Noel's mother. Three important figures of the church were already there handing out words of encouragement. TCD stood - alone - at the foot of the bed where Noel lie. She was a ghostly white - so pale that it was no longer attractive to see. The bright and bubbly cheerleader was as dead before her wanna-be goth cousin. TCD mourned silently and kept isolated and alone.
Noel was Mercy-Flighted to another hospital. The local one where she had been did all that they could to save her but felt inadiquate to recover her. Those who had been at the hospital with her went to Noel's home. They gathered clothing - the notes - and any evidence of what she might have swallowed hours earlier.
Kentucky Fried Chicken - a treat for Rose and TCD - in hopes that they might "forget" what is going on. It didn't work. Then an hour drive to the hospital where Noel lie in I.C.U.
Throughout the night people came and left. Jim stood over Noel and said "She looks like an angel" ~ TCD hated Jim for that ever since. Noel almost was with the angels, and it was because of Jim that she was. TCD never forgave him. While people mingled ... told one another stories to liven the dreary rooms ... TCD sat bedside to the stark-white Noel who still did not wake. TCD memorized the beeps of the monitors attached to her .... watched for hours the line which symbolized a pulse. Flinched when the numbers dropped or raised too fast. For hours. Only once did TDC ever leave Noel's side.
In a seperate room TCD was drilled for information. Noel's mother - and a stranger they often call a "shrink" quickly learned that TCD was Noel's living, breathing diary. TCD shed light on many issues and spoke of many things which no one had known about. Noel's mother was frightened. The shrink was satisfied. TCD was shaking.
TCD did not sleep that night - did not eat the next morning. TCD did not go to school. At dawn, TCD found a ride with an uncle - Noel's father ... who still denies the events of the previous day ... back to that hospital. Back to that bed. Back to that chair where TCD sits from when visiting hours start to an hour beyond when visiting hours end. Noel wakes - and is alert for all of 2 hours of that whole time. She is recovering. In that whole time, TCD had nothing and no one to occupy her time but the monitors whose rhythm had become a comfort and a curse. TCD spoke to few people - but watched countless visitors come and go ... TCD reserved words for those precious moments Noel was awake ... and spoke sincere words of comfort to her with conviction.
TCD hated Noel for the pain she had caused ... but never complained. In fact, when Rose complained - TCD resented her.
While that evening TCD froze in a heated room and shook more fiercely than ever before - it had settled now that everything would be alright. Noel was recovering ... TCD did not need to visit again tomorrow. Tomorrow Noel was going to pack and head home.
To distract from current events - on TCD's 60th hour without sleep the Dragon went to school to work backstage for a concert ... and danced the first and only dance of her life - behind the curtain - behind the orchestra - on stage where any audience member with a keen eye could see. And for the first time in days ~ TCD laughed again.
Noel saw a shrink weekly for years afterwards. Jim eventually found a restraining order keeping him from Noel. Noel became happy - and bubbly - not just a cheerleader but a HEAD Cheerleader (gag) ... and said often how grateful she was to be alive because of all the wonderful things she'd be missing out on.
And every October 27th, from that year on, TCD made a point to spend the day with Noel. To eat pizza and do the town - and enjoy life. TCD believes Noel no longer even remembers what had happened that day in 1996 ~ When they were merely Freshmen.
This October 27th, however - Noel is missing and TCD is alone. As you can plainly see - the weight of that day eight years ago is as heavy now as ever before for the Dragon. TCD believes strength came of that day ... and a lesson ... and because Noel came so close to suceeding at her task, TCD will never fail to remember the reprocussions. TCD would thank Noel - because it has saved the rare dragon's life .... except TCD still can't thank her because as far as Noel believes, the dragon has forgotten.
And Noel is missing. And TCD is alone.
i don't know how this needs to end for me to leave knowing what i need to know. only the universe decides that, only the mother knows. may the outcome come quickly, so all involved may learn their lessons and move on. so i will and so mote it be. blessed be.
and i always stop to think about what i should be learning, what one part of my life may be letting me learn about another. like my SAD allowing me to find my blessings...