lets take a moment to revisit some feelings:
well its getting colder and youre getting distant and i just keep thinking that i never meant it to be like this. you know what comes next. youre begging for a way to gracefully bow out and say goodnight. i cant say i blame you but i wish that i could. but i love the way youd roll excuses off the tip of your tongue as i slowly fall apart. this wont mean a thing come tomorrow and thats exactly how ill make it seem. this is what living like this does. i stay wrecked and jealous for this. for this simple reason. shell destroy us all before she's through and find a way to blame somebody else. cause i could be your best bet. let alone your worst ex. i wanna hate you so bad but i cant stop this anymore than you can. this is all wrong and it shows. theres certain things i promised not to let you know. lets never talk about this again because... i didnt want it to mean that much to me.
.taking.back.sunday.
now that we've got THAT out of the way. i actually feel better about that entire thing. we're not really talking more frequently... and i still feel like i lost something that meant a lot to me... but... i started digging through some old diaries and things and i guess somewhat realized that we've always been like this. he leaves. thats what he does. maybe its his way of dealing with things. maybe its his way of dealing with me. i dont know. and i hope he'll come back someday and we can be close friends again. maybe i wont screw it up next time. i doubt it. but theres a shiny little glimmer of hope. i think i should just learn from this and pay more attention next time. the whole not screwing up friendships thing that brandy kept trying to tell me... totally making sense now. heh. a tiny bit late. i guess i just couldnt see anything else except for what i wanted at the time. or maybe i just didnt want to feel alone. who knows. its over and done with now.
my new relationship is going very well. it feels more comfortable everyday. gah, i need new pictures. but anyway.... i absolutely adore steve. we have really good conversations and i love listening to him talk about what he thinks about different things. he keeps me entertained. we do an awful lot of talking about what we've been up to while we've been away from each other for the last couple of years. it almost makes me wish that i could go back to high school and change a lot of things... but i really think things happen for a reason... and things are really great between us right now. so who knows. maybe this is the way it was supposed to be. i always get stuck thinking that maybe my life was supposed to go a certain way and i just completely screwed it up. does anybody else ever think that? i dont think theres anything that i can do that would screw things up so badly that god couldnt fix them when i ask for help... but i wonder how well im really doing what i should be in that case anyway. like how well im listening... i tend to have a very negative perspective on myself when it comes to my religious beliefs and so im never really sure if theyre accurate or if im being harsh. and its not something i can really ask for advice about because everyone would give me a different answer. thats just something im going to have to work out on my own, i guess.
hmm... money troubles. those suck. i could definately do without them. but i think it'll be alright. i seriously need to call my cousin and find out if he's still going to the nine inch nails show with me. i know, i still havent done that. i procrastinate like nobody else. rawr. oh. no bridge piercing yet. its going to happen though. i dont care what everybody else says. ha. last weekend was pretty awesome. i was slightly intoxicated for half of it. and ive learned that being intoxicated with russell is really awesome. and leads to many many funny things. like hitting on guys that arent interested and dragging them off to my bedroom and me having to go save them and falling out of chairs and drunken dialing. im glad youre home. and bill nye the fuckin science guy, wow. thats still funny even though i have no idea what it meant. why were we talking about science anyways?
well its getting colder and youre getting distant and i just keep thinking that i never meant it to be like this. you know what comes next. youre begging for a way to gracefully bow out and say goodnight. i cant say i blame you but i wish that i could. but i love the way youd roll excuses off the tip of your tongue as i slowly fall apart. this wont mean a thing come tomorrow and thats exactly how ill make it seem. this is what living like this does. i stay wrecked and jealous for this. for this simple reason. shell destroy us all before she's through and find a way to blame somebody else. cause i could be your best bet. let alone your worst ex. i wanna hate you so bad but i cant stop this anymore than you can. this is all wrong and it shows. theres certain things i promised not to let you know. lets never talk about this again because... i didnt want it to mean that much to me.
.taking.back.sunday.
now that we've got THAT out of the way. i actually feel better about that entire thing. we're not really talking more frequently... and i still feel like i lost something that meant a lot to me... but... i started digging through some old diaries and things and i guess somewhat realized that we've always been like this. he leaves. thats what he does. maybe its his way of dealing with things. maybe its his way of dealing with me. i dont know. and i hope he'll come back someday and we can be close friends again. maybe i wont screw it up next time. i doubt it. but theres a shiny little glimmer of hope. i think i should just learn from this and pay more attention next time. the whole not screwing up friendships thing that brandy kept trying to tell me... totally making sense now. heh. a tiny bit late. i guess i just couldnt see anything else except for what i wanted at the time. or maybe i just didnt want to feel alone. who knows. its over and done with now.
my new relationship is going very well. it feels more comfortable everyday. gah, i need new pictures. but anyway.... i absolutely adore steve. we have really good conversations and i love listening to him talk about what he thinks about different things. he keeps me entertained. we do an awful lot of talking about what we've been up to while we've been away from each other for the last couple of years. it almost makes me wish that i could go back to high school and change a lot of things... but i really think things happen for a reason... and things are really great between us right now. so who knows. maybe this is the way it was supposed to be. i always get stuck thinking that maybe my life was supposed to go a certain way and i just completely screwed it up. does anybody else ever think that? i dont think theres anything that i can do that would screw things up so badly that god couldnt fix them when i ask for help... but i wonder how well im really doing what i should be in that case anyway. like how well im listening... i tend to have a very negative perspective on myself when it comes to my religious beliefs and so im never really sure if theyre accurate or if im being harsh. and its not something i can really ask for advice about because everyone would give me a different answer. thats just something im going to have to work out on my own, i guess.
hmm... money troubles. those suck. i could definately do without them. but i think it'll be alright. i seriously need to call my cousin and find out if he's still going to the nine inch nails show with me. i know, i still havent done that. i procrastinate like nobody else. rawr. oh. no bridge piercing yet. its going to happen though. i dont care what everybody else says. ha. last weekend was pretty awesome. i was slightly intoxicated for half of it. and ive learned that being intoxicated with russell is really awesome. and leads to many many funny things. like hitting on guys that arent interested and dragging them off to my bedroom and me having to go save them and falling out of chairs and drunken dialing. im glad youre home. and bill nye the fuckin science guy, wow. thats still funny even though i have no idea what it meant. why were we talking about science anyways?
and i think everybody gets money problems