spewy309289

Still having trouble trying to sleep...

I always feel silly writing in these things. For one thing I don't have many friends on here so the chances of anyone reading whatever I write are fairly slim. It sometimes feels like I am talking to myself. At the same time I'm kinda glad that I don't have many friends on here as I often don't have much to say, and the stuff that I do say isn't really all that interesting. It's like I'll go to write something and then pause and say to myself "wait a minute, who on earth could possibly be interested in me voicing my opinion on things, or how my day went, or how I'm feeling, or what colour the undies I'm currently wearing are and how many holes they have in them... surely the internet has been built for better purposes than for some nobody to get up on his virtual soapbox and pollute cyberspace with inane jibberings and ramblings!" So I tend not to write anything at all...

I find socialising on the internet even more daunting. Whereas some people can waltz into forums or chatrooms or SecondLives and just start talking away like they've been there all their lives, I find myself largely afraid to say anything lest I offend anyone, or say something stupid that will instantly brand me some sort of social outcast. Kind of like school on a flat screen. I know if I'm in a pub drinking beer I can generally go up to anyone and strike up a beery conversation about anything and get along like a house on fire with 99% of the people there (the other 1% are designated drivers). But if I'm on a *gulp* forum or messageboard of some sort I freeze up. I never know what to say, or if I do say something the thread goes weirdly quiet. Kinda like where you're at a party and you're talking to your mates and all of a sudden this weird guy that nobody seems to know sort of pops his head into your conversation and just starts talking to everybody. And you have no idea who rattled this dude's cage or invited him over, he's just there verbally dipping his balls into your conversation and smearing them about the place. I don't want to be that guy!!! Not even if it's online dammit! And trying to talk to the SuicideGirls. Bloody hell, I find it hard enough to talk to girls in real life without getting all shy and clamming up. How the bloody hell am I sposed to talk to girls when their boobs are right there on the screen, all up in my cyber-grille, and they're all so damn gorgeous? huh?

I used to do heaps of writing when I was in school. I'd just tune out during classes and write whatever came into my head. I used to (nerd alert) do e-fedding - it's like you create an imaginary wrestler for an imaginary wrestling federation and make believe all their interviews an stuff. I'd spend whole periods just going on adventures with Shaggy - my stop sign wielding misunderstood weirdo -, and while some people (actually probably most people) would think that was lame I found it fun which was all that mattered to me. Nowadays it's like I'm afraid to write anything. I'm always so terrified that what I write will be terrible that I don't bother at all sometimes. It's like as I got older I developed an acute fear of failure that I never used to have, at least not to the extent that I have now. I'm currently trying to work on a comic with a friend of mine about his band and I'm finding it soooo hard. I don't know how writers write stories. We haven't even started the actual writing of the dialogue yet, we're still just working on the plot! I know all I can do is try my best but that still doesn't stop me from freaking out about how it's going to turn out. And then I wonder if the reason I'm having trouble is because I've drunk too much in the past and killed the specific brain cells that used to let me do all my writing when I was in school.

I don't really know if this blog post had a point. But I feel a bit better having just written it down. Like how you always feel better after a spew. And now that all this brain vom is out of my head I think I'll have an easier time getting to sleep. Even if I have been talking to myself