spazzing

I visited my school today to get my cap and gown for graduation. the fucker cost my 50 bucks :< also, wearing that cap over my dreads is almost impossible and super uncomfortable. I dont really look forward to commencement....sitting in the hot sun under that black cloak for upwards of three hours. it's gonna be boring, and it's not like im going to some wild grad party afterwards.
I wandered into the painting building to see what people were up to. turns out the school art show is this saturday and the halls were in a big hubub,, putting up artwork and getting ready. there was some really incredible stuff. it made me happy to see how well everyone was doing. the art program is really taking off now. but it also made be super sad and bitter. I wish i had known about the show. I would have submitted a piece...cuz apparently i could have. but now i wont be in the show and i will prolly never be back to the campus till the grad ceremony. I had planned on coming there a lot to paint but ive been so busy that that only happened once. I feel like im completly forgotten. it's like someone broke up with me and im seeing them go on to live a happier better life without you and they hardly even acknowledge your existance anymore after youve spent so much time together and had made such wonderfull memories....
im really worried that i am going to abandon the art scene....or that, the art scene will abandon me (cuz thats more how it feels) teaching is good an all. but i feel so frumpy and mediocre. i wanna feel more accomplished. and god damnit, i wanna feel cool again! it doesn't help that i dont feel like i have any friends...or that im still living with my parants... or that ive gained 30lbs since my "cool years"


im house sitting tonight. the very same house that i sat apon when i made my very first set, happy easter.