spadeshapedheart

so today we all said goodbye to uncle tony. everyone was crying except for me and my dad which made me feel bad a little because my dad never cries so i guess that's just his excuse but i just couldn't. i don't think i may have known tony well enough to cry and i have to be honest, it's not like it was a surprise he had to go. that may be blunt but it's the truth. my freshman year when luis died it was like damn dude, luis died. i can't believe that. but when my sister told me uncle tony died, i almost wanted to say nancy, did you not see him these past few family parties we went to?but it was an open casket funeral which always makes it a little harder. it's like you see this person laying there and you almost expect them to get up and be like hi everyone! bith this time and with luis, you just look at the person in there and think man, it looks like they're just sleeping. then you really start to think, this is going to be my last time ever seeing this person again. forever is a long time. but i still didn't cry. i feel so stupid because at the end when i walked past him, all i could think of was jimmy durante's "i'll be seeing you" song. here's everyone pouring their eyes out and all i can think of is this song and that thinking to myself hey tony, i'll be seeing you. maybe not everyone is cut out to be a funeral person. my parents told me i shouldn't go cuz of school but for me, this is someones life we're celebrating here. he lived 76 years and i'm going to miss this for some class? man i don't think so. i felt really bad for my aunt joann though. they gave her a dove to release to represent his soul being freed and going on to heaven and i couldn't help but think, what if she doesn't want to let go? what if she just wants to keep this soul forever? and maybe not forever but who's to say she needs to let go now?she held it for a while like she was saying her last goodbyes to him but really, how can you prepare yourself to say goodbye to someone forever espically when it's the person you love more than anything in the world, more than life itself? i mean sure you let the bird go because it's not like it's your bird to keep and take home till you're ready to let it go, but to just let go of something like that and watch it fly away, i don't know if i could do it. well like i said though, it was time for him to go and i would have loved to have known him better but i don't think anyone has gone to the funeral of someone they cared about and thought i think i knew him too well. i just wish i had my own story t tell about him when the time came but for the life of me, i couldn't think of anything relevant other than "tony told me a story once about my dad and it was really funny." just as well, i'll miss him and i'm sure everyone who knew him will too. the important thing now is that i remember him because the last thing anyone would want is for everyone, espically the people who cared about him, to forget. and while i don't believe in god, i still hope there is something there because a guy like uncle tony deserves it. later