sovereign

After pondering for so long... i wrote my ex bf a msg... I spilled my hearts contents into it, thinking nothing but positive thoughts... i cam up with this.... I closed my eyes and started to cry bc i was so scared..but i thought about how brave ive been and how some of you look up to me...and that made me click send.... as follows here is the letter...

I'm not really sure on where to begin, but I'll take a deep breath and just write what I feel. Life is so odd sometimes, It has it's ways of just making odds and ends of things that we would never expect and or know that was to happen.

I really don't comprehend myself how this all happened, I never had intent of running into you, I always believed in live and let live. That day that I first ran into you at the whiskey bar, I didn't really think much of it, but your words and your actions regardless if you were drunk stuck in my mind. I fought it, and tried to not let it get to me, since you had told me you never loved me to begin with but for some reason, this odd voice in my head told me to question it. I still in fact care about you. regardless or not if you believe it, or if you think it is a joke, It is how i really feel.

At first I kinda laughed about it, I mean really, It had to be karma, after how i had hurt you in the past, but i got past that, beyond words that I cannot explain you got under my skin.

its odd, I find myself unable to speak to you, to even remotely be direct, it's like the nerdy kid who cant talk to a pretty girl, they fumble, and say all the wrong things, and are always left feeling stupid and unwanted. It wasnt ever so much about ignoring you...more so...I just never knew what to say. But regardless, I was brave and ran after you that night, I didn't know if you were going to shoot me down or say horrid things, all I knew..is I wanted to talk to you. I'm not certain as to what lead me to kiss you, it just happened, and i don't regret it in the slightest.

So I will explain to you in pure context, in all honesty, I still love you. It's hard for me to admit that, just because of what happened in the past, I feel that no matter how many times I try to tell you, it seems such words are useless, but still i will stand behind them, I'll be brave and tell you how i feel.

it was proven..even despite all these years, and after what I didyou never ever ever left my heartall the fail relationships, and even though I told myself and others I stopped caring, there was always a glimmer of the truth peeking through.. i never deleted pictures of you and me on my computer, just bc something inside me, just wouldnt let me.

people told me I was too good for you, but in my heart It didnt matter what you looked like, what you did or who you wereyou were beautiful to me..and you made me happiest even when times seemed rough.In truth, you were too good for me..and still are.

You would hold my hand as we fell asleep, and I must admit that I felt safest thenthose times you would make me soup when I was sick..I only got better bc I loved you so much..Those times you would tuck me into bed and kiss my forehead, I never slept better, the time you broke into my car, and placed sunflowers in the driver seat so I would see it..on my birthdayYou were so wonderful to me, and I took advantage of it, I let you go out of my uncertainty and it took so long for me to realize I had what I always wanted in my hands and I let it go.

Im sorry I hurt you, sorry I made you into a hard exterior person.. I dont think my apology will ever mean anything to you, but I hope you knowI mean it.

At times, I feel like all I do is bother you, and when i talk to you, it takes so much courage for me to even muster up a phrase, but i take a deep breath and i do it, bc you mean that much to me. I can tell you, while i was still in cali, i never did this for anyone, never cared in my relationships, I just didnt try, and it is more clear to me now then ever that it was bc you were still in my heart no matter how badly i treated you.

I cannot take back what was done, For it both shaped us into better people, I grew an actual heart, I stopped being so greedy and I began to help others, Not only that, but i began to love myself which was so difficult in the past. And you, I am certain you changed for the better as well. I am sympathetic to the horrid break up, but you and i both know it needed to happen. I will not point the finger to you, for I was to blame just as much in the fail. I didn't handle things as mature as i should have. Again, I am a strong believer that everything happens for a reason, and i feel that at that time and place, you and i needed to be apart.

with all that being said, I can breathe a little bit, it was just things that I have always wanted to say.

In writing this, I can say, I'm not expecting anything from you, I really just wanted to tell you how I felt. Sometimes, I feel like i bother you, when i try to text you, its often left unreplied.. Im not complaining as you are a busy person and I am nothing to you, but i want you to know, that it's me trying to reach out to you... Its saddens me, just bc corbin told me that you once told me that You didnt care about me and that I was crazy and a terrible person... Im sorry you feel that way but its your opinion. In truth Im not that horrible person I once was, but I wont try to argue with your opinion as its what you believe. It hurt to hear that, bc I told you that I didnt want to sleep with you if it didnt mean anything to you or if you were going to be upset the next day... upon hearing corbin tell me this, i started to cry, i felt used..Im not pointing the finger to you, remember this is me telling you how i feel so please bare with me.

I wish you would take the time to realize that I am not what you think I am, I never had the intent to use you, nor was I just pretending to like you. I understand that at times you may seem to think I am dating someone (ridge) but as i said before I am not dating anyone. I dont know if this matters to you but im still going to tell you.

Its crazy to me that After everything, after every fight, after every shitty thing that happened.. My heart still loves you. I dont know what it is about you...but its there.

I wrote all of this not knowing how you really felt, not knowing if you meant the ILY that you said last week, But I just wanted to tell you all of this. you are a wonderful person with such a beautiful future, and the last I want to do is cause you aile. You dont deserve that in the slightest. I love you but right now, i feel that I just burden you, and I feel that you dont trust me or the words or my actions, which is understandable.

I dont know what to say anymore andrew, I really dont. Ive said everything that ive wanted to say. you can say whatever you will, make fun of this etc but at least I was honest and was brave and did something I would have never. I love you kid, more than I thought I still did, and I miss you, but if you dont want me in your life or show a bit, then I will let you be. I owe you at least that. I hope you are doing well, and I hope you continue to smile and do the things you love. . Im sorry for writing so much to you, Im sure you probably didnt want to deal with this, and you dont have to.

with all this being said...I have nothing else to say.I really dont expect you to write anything, in fact, Im hoping that you wont. if you have anything to say to me say it to my face directly, whether it be good or bad, i can handle it. so just dont write back. this was just for you to understand my thoughts and what i was thinking.. and if for some reason you doubt i mean anything ask emily...she knows all of this.

oh, and say hi to your mom for me and tell her congrats on graduating...and give charcoal a hug for me.

christy





what do you guys think?